To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

I’m really surprised by some of the responses, maybe I’ve been living under a rock!

Firstly, if I was th birthday person, I’d never expect the rest of the group to pay for my meal.

In my various groups of friends it’s an unwritten rule. We don’t do presents, we make time for each other. So we’ll arrange a lunch for each other’s birthdays and we go Dutch on the bill. It spreads the cost evenly through the year. I’d be bloody mortified to think that a friend had to pay for everyone in order for them to show up. There have been a few occasions where someone is going through a really rough time and others have shared their cost between them, But the main ethos is that we all make time for our birthdays, no presents, just sharing the cost of each of our birthdays.

IME the posher you are the more likely this is to be the expectation, it’s not a universal rule.

The word “invite” seems to do a lot of heavy lifting in these circumstances.

Another class marker for MN to obsess about, should freshen things up.

For my 40th everyone paid for themselves but I organised a set menu inclusive of wine so it was the same price for everyone and let everyone know in advance so they were aware and also so no one felt they were paying for someone else’s extravagant order.

There is no norm, so it's probably a bit pointless declaring that there is.

when I had a family lunch in the summer, we paid for 15 ppl, as we had been to various functions etc and wanted to return the hospitality.

I sent out the invitations to everyone a month before with a list of menu options, in the email I said it was our treat, and I gave the list of everyone's choice by email a week before our event, and on the day we settled food and drink on one bill behind the scenes.

the list of options gave everyone ample choice but it gave us a reasonable idea of the most it was likely to be which was helpful. Drinks were mainly soft drinks as our family are not big drinkers, especially not in the day and having to drive home.

the main thing for me was making it a memorable occasion and no awkwardness about who was paying. If I hadn't been able to pay for it all I wouldn't have had the event in a restaurant.

It's not a 'rule' nor is it a 'hard and fast expectation', as you would know if you had read the comments. Thinking that everyone does the same as your own social circle is very narrow-minded.

This is my experience too.

There is indeed a hard and fast expectation and that is that YOU pay. Yes, this is the expectation.

It is ok not to pay but you MUST MAKE IT CLEAR.

You write and say you'd love to do dinner for your 50th, can't afford to pay for everyone and that their gift will be them coming to dinner, no further gift wanted.

Pay no attention to anyone who pretends this is blurry, its not and you wil cause friction if you try to ignore that rule.

You pay or you make it very very clear from the start that they will be paying and that this is the gift.

@tricerotopsrulecan you afford it ? For 15 with drinks at £50 a head , you’re looking at £750. If you can it would be a nice gesture.

It's lovely if you can and want to pay, but I wouldn't expect you to.

So so many greedy people on here expecting to be paid for

My goodness you sound really rather ghastly and unpleasant

What a lot of shite

In my circles the host pays. Always. In my younger days we paid for ourselves. From 30 years old onwards the hosts always pay. I hosted dinner for twenty and paid.

I did this recently. I paid for meals, everyone contributed for drinks.

I took 8 friends for afternoon tea on my big birthday . I was happy to pay as I had invited them . Cheaper than a full on meal where people want 3 courses . It’s a girl thing though , not many if any male friends go for AT

I always thought the norm was that people attending pay for themselves... but often people chipped in and bought the birthday person their meal for them. Or at least made sure they didn't buy their own drinks for the night.

Saying that, my ex had a birthday meal, and when it came to pay it turned out one attendee didn't. No one owned up to it, so we had to pay for an extra meal.

I paid for my 40th, but it was little private party, not a meal.

I've never paid for everyone's meal for my birthday, it's not affordable for me. For anyone's birthday, we all pay for our own and usually someone pays for the birthday person as well.

What have others done for big birthdays in your group?

If for normal birthdays everyone pays their own, then I'd expect the same for big birthdays but perhaps the host pays for a cocktail or couple of drinks for everyone.

Drinks are expensive so it's a nice way to show appreciation to your guests without having to foot the entire bill.

This.
Took the words outta my mouth.

If you invite people then you should pay. If you can't afford to, then think of an alternative you can afford.

In my experience (and opinion) you should pay. I'm in my 30s and have been to a lot of 30ths and 40ths lately and they've all (bar one) been payed for by the hosts.

If it's a dinner there are generally fewer people, or it could be a bigger party with more people but only finger food. Sometimes limited drinks have been paid for too. It's normally pretty clear from the invite what kind of food will be provided so you can eat beforehand if needed.

There was only one where we were expected to pay. It was an expensive location, but they have a bar and restaurant, and it wasn't clear if we were going for drinks or dinner. When we got there we found out it was dinner and there was a 3 course set menu with a few options, and no mention of price. At the end of the meal the birthday girls' husband said he'd put it on his CC and let us know how much it is so we can send it back later.
I wasn't very impressed but it was my husband's family so didn't say anything, and he paid them back. I think if you want to do it that way you need to at least make it clear on the invite.

Would you be paying for everything, food and drinks, or just food and maybe include a couple of bottles of wine at the table?

For me it has always been once you reach tween/teen years and it’s no longer a house party, everyone pays for their own and usually for the birthday person as well, since it will be next to nothing divided by everyone, but I’m not from the UK.

Expecting one person to foot everyone’s bill sounds ridiculous.

Exactly! Who are these people who are able to pay for a meal for 15 people?

Exactly. My toes curl with horror at inviting people to “celebrate meeee!” without at least offering them a meal and a few drinks. So sponging!

can’t afford it? Do takeaway and Netflix alone with dignity.