To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

Lovely if you’re able and inclined to pay, but no issue whatever in my groups either way.

Just make it clear whether you’re ‘inviting’ or ‘organising a gathering’ by e.g. sending menu with prices if individuals are paying.

Oh, and present-buying norms in my groups would remain the same either way, none of this sniffy ‘don’t expect presents if you’re not paying for their dinners’. 🙄

If it's at a restaurant, then it's normal in my circle for everyone to pay for themselves. I recently went to a 50th at a restaurant and would never have dreamt that the birthday person would pay for everyone. The only exception would be if we were out with my parents and they tend to pay, but that's close family.

We just had a party at home for DC's 18th and we paid for all the food and drink.

Surely most people couldn't afford to pay for 15 people to eat in a restaurant? Of course, some could, but people I know couldn't.

I’m SE but my very working class, not at all affluent grandparents would have always paid for a birthday celebration. Admittedly that would likely have been a Berni Inn or similar, not anywhere posh (they’d all be well over 100 now if they were still alive)

My father always insisted on it as well - actually, he had a belief that not only should one person pay, but if it was an anniversary meal it was bad form for the couple to pay so he insisted for their big anniversary that I put it on my credit card so it didn’t look like he was paying (but he paid the credit card 😂)

So it may be a regional / older custom, but I don’t think it’s “affluent”.

And yep, it's often a class thing.

Poor people would NEVER expect their guests to pay when inviting them out ot dinner. Posh people often try to be sly about it.

But EVERYONE knows that if you invite people out for a birthday dinner you as the person doing the inviting are expected to pay.

However, again if you can't pay or don't want to, that's ok. but OP be very very very aware that this WILL cause issues unless you make it crystal clear.

You tell them you cannot afford to pay for them and that them turning up and paying for themselves is your birthday gift.

It's just that clear cut, and not at all complicated.

If a party is hosted most people will bring booze and often food as well - we all share the costs
so rude to turn up and expect to have everything provided

the only exception I can think of is a wedding

If you can afford to pay, then that would be great. If you can’t, I’d make sure they know that they would need to pay for themselves, or you could put whatever you can afford towards it, so they don’t need to pay the full amount. Enjoy celebrating your 50th!

I’m thinking that!

Are we talking very affluent SE customs here?

I think it’s a depends answer. Since 40 I haven’t been to a birthday celebration that’s formal where I have paid. If the invite is more of a casual get together around a birthday the bill is split. I have been to other events where the host makes a bit of a faff over the bill ‘ Oh where do I get the bill, I am getting this’ etc and someone will say ‘let’s split’ that’s quite annoying when you have spent quite a bit on a gift and you know the person suggesting that hasn’t.
So, I would say if you have picked a fancy restaurant and you have invited a group of friends then you should pay. However, I have friends who are very good at being the host and pick a selection of starters to share and have said ‘ who would like x,us” thus excluding the expensive items. Another option is ask people what they would like before the meal and give menu options or ask the restaurant for a reduced menu to be handed out, or go for a set menu.

I once went for a meal where the hosts paid.

its certainly not the normal !

A very unfair comment.

There are lots of ways to have a party and it’s always been the case that the host pays to entertain and feed invited guests (at home, which is what I and all my friends do), or at a hired venue with caterers.

Now, going to a restaurant is a different kettle of fish and I can understand why it causes uncertainty. It’s usually very expensive. I go out with groups sometimes and it’s absolutely understood that we’re all paying for ourselves. But if you invite people to celebrate with you…you are choosing the restaurant and the time and summoning them to YOUR event. They might think ‘Oh God - I can’t afford that place!’ And if the idea is to split the bill then such people will have little control over how much they’ll end up paying. I speak from bitter experience!

And pps are even saying that their usual arrangement is for the guests to pay for the celebrant too. So let me get this right…you invite people to celebrate your event at the place and time of your choice, to pay for all the food (not just theirs), and pay for yours too? Just what kind of ‘hosting’ is that, exactly? Sounds like old-fashioned freeloading, or CFery as MN likes to call it.

If you do this the very least you should do as a host is to veto any kind of present from your guests. But you’d still, in effect, be expecting them to shell out nearly 100quid even without buying you a present.

Am I missing something here? Would most people be OK with this?

Very old fashioned but if inviting couples and DH was there, all paid for by us. Girls night, we'd pay for ourselves and split the birthday girls bill.

I wondered the same. I’ve lived in Yorkshire and Manchester and have never known someone pay for the whole birthday meal in restaurant.
Everyone knows you pay for yourself.

it’s a different world on here sometimes.

It certainly is. Someone asked if it was an age related thing. I wonder if it is regional.

I have lived in West and South Yorkshire, and no-one has ever paid for a meal for an entire party in a restaurant.

Don’t be ridiculous.

No “class shaming” from me. That’s your projection that a rule has been broken so somebody must have done something wrong.

I was pointing out the rule is not universal, it’s entirely sensible to split the bill if that’s what works.

Honestly never heard of it either, it’s a different world on here sometimes.

You could pay for all the drinks. Or you could put £500 towards the restaurant bill and split the rest.

People can say no if they don’t want to attend.
I have never been to a birthday meal where the birthday boy/girl paid for everyone.

We pay for our own and bring a present.

If I get invited to a house party I bring my own drinks and a present.

They pay.

We take ourselves and DDs out for special birthdays and it’s £1000 for 4 of us - not 15.

Even when I took DD out for lunch at a michelin starred restaurant for a 10 course tasting menu I spent a lot less than £500.

When I’ve been out for birthdays we’ve all paid for our own meal and co trusted and paid for the birthday girl. Equally for big birthdays we all contribute the and pay for an activity for birthday girl etc

My friend circle had this scenario, regular meals, each paying their own, even on birthdays. Come the wealthiest persons 50th she insisted picking up the tab. Very kind of her but screwed the dynamics going forward as no one else could afford to pay for every one on their big birthday. Why not just go for a meal but pay for a few bottles of champagne separate from the food with each paying for their own.

If it’s a party at a restaurant everyone pays for themselves and chips in to pay for the birthday person too… in my experience .

@tricerotopsruleWe have had lots of meals like this for milestone birthdays. General rule is we pay for ourselves. Some cannot afford to pay for everyone - it’s that simple. A few pay for the wine. I’ve paid for a special event for my 60th and DH had a party where we paid for everything. Friends haven’t had parties.

My advice is don’t pay but don’t choose a restaurant your friends cannot afford. Have some discussion with them. Or pay for the wine and a round of drinks to celebrate. Guests feeling significantly poorer by attending isn’t what you need. Or get caterers in. And you pay.

We take ourselves and DDs out for special birthdays and it’s £1000 for 4 of us - not 15.

Most of us won't see 60 again and many are retired.

Each paying for ourselves is an unspoken understanding among everyone I know. I have a friend who is in her 80s and she is extraordinarily generous and has paid for taxis and bought a few bottles of wine when we have eaten out, but we still each paid for our meals.

For birthdays everyone pays for themselves and then between us we split the cost of our friends meal, especially for a 50th.