To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

Not obviously.

If we did that none of us would ever go out for a birthday meal.

Read the room.

100% this.

Again, a mean dig at pps! And incredibly tone-deaf, too.

It's nothing to do with whether your friendships are genuine. I have various sets of lovely friends and hobby-groups I socialise with and I wouldn't socialise with them if I didn't like them and enjoy their company. That's not the point of what I was trying to say.

I notice you mention that you are happy to spend £50 regularly with your friends. Well, bully for you! Newsflash: not everyone is in that fortunate situation. I'm not quite in that bracket, but apart from myself I'm very conscious of a couple of members of the hobby group who definitely could not afford to do that more than once a year.

Honestly, the lack of imagination sometimes about how most people live. I really resent the implication that people who baulk at spending on restaurant meals are somehow not very good friends or not nice people.

That is absolutely not how it is. I do lots of hosting at home as do many of my friends and you can feed and entertain about 10 people for the price of a one person's restaurant meal. We always have a brilliant time (went to one last weekend and am going again this Sat).

Why would you pay?
“hey everyone, as you know it’s my 50th soon and I though it would be nice if you could join me for a lovely meal. I fancy XXX restaurant - here’s the menu. It’s a bit more pricey than other places so if you’d prefer somewhere cheaper let me know.”

I have never been to a birthday meal where the host paid and I have never done this myself,

The only time I’ve been to a restaurant and not paid for my own food is when it’s a family member who insists or my friend’s parents who never let you get to the bill first.

It’s just not something that ever happens in my social circle and no-one could afford to do that.

Even if we go for drinks at someone’s house we all take booze and snacks unless explicitly told not to.

I get in some circles (wealthy people) that might be the norm but I think overall, it’s not common.

I think either is fine as long as it is the norm in your circles. The only issue being that if you are expecting your friends to pay you may want to rein in your choice of venue, and choose something in line with their usual budget. That might mean that it doesn’t feel as special, or a treat. There are other ways to make an evening special though.

You can’t expect your friends to pay for a lavish dinner is basically what I am saying.

I would much prefer to have a more modest celebration that I paid for - as in my friendship groups it would be seen as very poor form charging your friends celebrate with you.

I have only once been in a situation where the invitee expected people to pay for their own food / drinks and it was just embarrassing. This person was in their 40s. Mind you they are a known miser. Always last to the bar. Nobody bothers with her anymore for this reason.

Agree with this, just be upfront.

As you say there have been both types of parties where birthday person pays or individuals pay, sounds like either okay on your group.

It also helps as if for me I knew you were paying that might affect the gift giving

@HighLadyofTheNightCourt I’m the same. We pay for ourselves but no one is choosing a Michelin starred restaurant to go to. No one is financially embarrassed.

100% this.

Not ‘obviously’. It’s clearly not the expectation for many, many people.

EVERYONE knows? Really? Cos I’m in my 40’s and have a very wide and eclectic group of friends who socialise frequently and I’ve NEVER been in a situation where the invitee paid the full bill in a restaurant. We all pay for ourselves.

Your birthday, your choice of venue - you pay. Obviously.

People will feel obliged to come and will also bring a gift! Would you seriously ask them to pay for dinner as well?

If you can't afford it, do something else you can afford.

Same here! I've never been to anything like this either (except weddings or buffets at parties).

I agree.

And I don't like the argument that if you can't afford to pay for everyone, you shouldn't have a birthday meal out - a lot of friends are more than happy to pay their way as long as they know in advance and expect it. You should choose somewhere affordable or subsidise the costs, if the restaurant is expensive.

I agree, but as it is the norm among everyone I know it isn't necessary to tell people that they will be paying for their own meal. It would be if I had invited @notthisagain2025

Poor people would NEVER expect their guests to pay when inviting them out ot dinner. Posh people often try to be sly about it.

I couldn't disagree more @notthisagain2025 you must move in very different circles from most people. Surely, from reading most of the responses on here you must realise that most people simply can't afford to treat a party of people in a restaurant these days.

These responses are a clear mix of strong opinions on both sides! My conclusion is that it's crucial to be up front when inviting people. I hate the awkward moment when the bill comes if people haven't agreed beforehand who will pay. And I don't like the argument that if you can't afford to pay for everyone, you shouldn't have a birthday meal out - a lot of friends are more than happy to pay their way as long as they know in advance and expect it. You should choose somewhere affordable or subsidise the costs, if the restaurant is expensive.

My 40th birthday is coming up and I've hired a private room in a bar, there will be around 25 guests and I'm paying for a decent amount of canapés, and a DJ. I worded the invitation carefully to make it clear that canapés will be provided and that people will be expected to pay for their own drinks. It's costing me £500 and I'm providing food and entertainment, I don't think it's too much to ask people to pay for their drinks - especially as some might have several cocktails and others might just have one or two soft drinks.

One dynamic I find very strange is going out for meals with extended family. When my grandad was alive he'd sneak off and pay the whole bill, for his adult son and daughter-in-law plus adult grandchildren, even if my parents had organised the meal out. It wasn't expected but was obviously much appreciated. After he died, I'd kind of assumed that my parents would follow his quietly generous lead, and pay the bill themselves (they can comfortably afford it, whereas my siblings and I have mortgage and childcare to pay for). But we've had a couple of meals out when they've just sat there at the end and waited for us to pay for it - they didn't even offer to split the bill. We found that very strange and it's completely put us off eating out with them. They never suggest it and I don't dare suggest it any more in case they are assuming that I'm inviting them and will pay. Frankly I don't want to pay for them, they have much more disposable income than DH and I.

I would never expect someone to pay for my meal on their birthday - unless it was a catered sort of thing (BBQ or afternoon tea where there was no choice in what we got handed to eat). Normal restaurant ordering off the menu, we’d always pay for ourselves and the birthday person.

I’m very middle class and I’ve never in my life been to a birthday dinner where the hosts paid for everyone. Only exception was a 50th birthday where hosts hired out the pub and put out plates of sandwiches and sausage rolls (we bought all our own drinks though). Just not the done thing in my circles.

The word no or effusive - thanks - can’t afford it

I disagree that “posh people are cost avoiding and poor people would never expect others to pay” - and lovely arrogant stereotypes

Mostly because I am not from a wealthy background at all

sometimes a few of us overpay so that those who are minimum wage end up paying less by accident but that’s not quite the same thing

there is a subgroup of people who care deeply about appearances -think Hyacinth bucket - proud and arrogant and lacking self awareness usually

I think the 'you invited me so you pay' school of thought says a lot about those individuals friendships.l tbh.

In the non MN world, people actually enjoy spending time with friends and celebrating birthdays and don't begrudge spending £50 on a meal out with good company. Pleasant friendship groups would consider what is affordable amongst all members and, to be honest, most people enjoy going out for a curry over posh restaurants.

On MN friendships are purely transactional and very formal. People resent spending any money on a friend's birthday and expect a free meal for the pleasure of their company. Absolutely bizarre. If you don't like these people then don't call them friends.

My concern is that a birthday invitation to a restaurant meal isn’t the same as a casual friendship or hobby group outing. Invitees will feel an obligation to go even if it will put a strain on their finances.

I still think you should only do this if you are actually hosting- ie, paying. If you can’t afford it, do something you can afford - don’t put your guests in a difficult situation.

Personally I’d be cringing!

EVERYONE knows? Well clearly they don't. Hence all these posts. I agree about making it clear. But it's certainly not a given that the host will pay unless you're told otherwise.

Not true at all! I know two very wealthy people one is family member other friend and both have never paid for entire groups meal! It’s normal to split the bill. I don’t even think they bought wine for table, everything was divided up at the end equally

I would say - would you like to join me at x for my 50th? I’ll buy all the booze and people buy their own food. People can then accept or decline either no awkwardness at the restaurant.
personally I would expect to pay for myself if I was invited to a restaurant for a celebration.
Of course if you can afford it and want to treat everyone - do it. There are no ‘rules’.

I’ve always paid for the meals and table wine. Any other drinks, they pay for themselves.