To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

Oooh this happened in my family.

A very bragging, look at me, I'm so rich cousin invited everyone to her 50th and charged everyone.

It absolutely changed my opinion of her further, I thought she let herself down with a bang. I think it's beyond classless to invite people to a party and give them a bill. Awful.

I think 'transactional' is more a descriptor of people who decide they absolutely have to celebrate their birthday at x restaurant with x number of people and expect these guests to cover this expectation - while sitting there opening gifts!

What the PP was describing sounded very transactional to me.
Framing a social occasion around what people are getting in return for their presence feels transactional.

If I’m invited to a birthday meal or party in not thinking about what I’m getting out of that event in monetary terms (my meal and drinks paid for etc) I’m thinking about celebrating with friends and spending time in their company.

In my social circle we pay our own way and nobody ever expects anything else.

No, it’s not transactional. Quite the opposite!

I wouldn’t consider it hosting to invite to a restaurant of my choice for my event and not pay for it. I don’t do that - I invite my friends to my home. I go to restaurants for other occasions, but not to celebrate one person’s birthday.

Sure, but I have this situation all the time (not for birthdays, just group restaurant. Meals):

i (veggie) chose my 14.99 main course (can’t afford a first course too) and have a soft drink, or just table water. I may have either a dessert if no more than 7 quid, or just a coffee. No side dishes.

When the bill comes, some bright spark who’s probably had steak and wine will say’Oh - let’s just divide it up - it’s ridiculous to start adding up individually’ and I end up paying nearly £60.

Unlike many pps here, I’m just not OK with that. And on occasions I have spoken up, but it’s never nice to have to insist and you end up with eye-rolls and an unpleasant atmosphere.

So now i only go for restaurant meals with people who share my attitude. The drinkers and gourmets can pay for themselves!

Absolutely this!

People in Mumsnet are insane I swear. Who the hell would expect to pay for 15 people in a restaurant!?

The same people who expect not to pay are the same who will then order the lobster and champagne.

Absolute insanity.

Tbh I do tend to have a house party for my birthday but that’s because I’m fussy with food so restaurants don’t appeal BUT people bring their own drinks as that’s the norm in our group.

A birthday meal in my group is unlikely to be 20 plus people. It would be close friends so around 10 people and usually includes children. If it was adults only and you have children then it’s still a choice to attend or not - I’ve never begrudged using a babysitter for a night out with friends. And I certainly don’t expect that night to be paid for by someone else.

You seem to have a very transactional approach to friendship. When I get an invite I’m thinking about how lovely it will be to spend time with friends not about what I’m getting out of it. If I can’t afford it then I don’t go and I see them another time.

But even a cheap pub is now a lot of money for more than a couple of people. Should people not celebrate events if they can't afford three figures?

I agree.

The difference is that I know perfectly well that many mumsnetters can afford to pay for a meal with drinks at an upmarket restaurant for several people. It is disappointing that these wealthy people are too tone deaf to understand that (I suspect) the majority of people don't, and that it is usual for people to pay for themselves.

I have never framed an invitation for a meal out so that people would expect me to pay.

And it is most definitley not rude to ask people to join you for a meal and expect them to pay for themselves. I expect that the wealthy mumsnetters would make the mistake of assuming that their meal would be paid for because that is what they would do.

Not my experience.... I'm from an European country but live in the UK. In my home country whoever invites-pays. Here in the UK, I've been invited to 30s, 40s and 50s parties and each time I had to pay for my meal, a present and a baby sitter.

@CoffeeCantata "Honestly, the lack of imagination sometimes about how most people live"

Think this somes it up. It honestly scares me that so many people are so totally incapable of even imagining other people living lives that are slightly different to theirs (and thus have different norms, behaviour and expectations) - and that - shock horror - that doesn't automatically mean that person is WRONG!

"In my circle the person inviting pays" = fine
"OF COURSE the person inviting pays, anything else is miserly and embarrassing" = rude, myopic, and umepathetic.

Op asked what "the norm" is. Result of this thread is there is no universal or overriding norm in the UK in 2025, just what's considered standard in individual social groups.

It's hardly compulsory on any birthday, to go out for dinner with 20 plus people. Imagine sitting there, receiving 20 gifts snd knowing many people will have paid for babysitters and made an effort to get there etc - and then letting everyone to pay for their dinner and drinks. What are you doing for your guests? Where is the 'event' you are putting on? If you can't afford to take 20 people out for dinner, then just do something you can afford - eg. have them over to your house, buffet-type thing in a bar, or a picnic - whatever. So many options. Or just take less people out for dinner. You can't expect people to sub your choice of party.

I'm also surprised at the responses. Maybe if you are wealthy it's the done thing to pay for everyone. In Northern Ireland (in my experience) everyone pays for themselves and they generally chip in for the birthday person. Paying for 15 people if they have a drink or two and including tip could easily be £50 a head which would work out as £800 (including yourself) - could even end up closer to £1,000 😲

I’d pay for everyone.

I never expect gifts.
I also don’t expect you to turn up if you don’t like the choice of venue/can’t afford/don’t like me …

Maybe your celebratory events are far more formal but ours tend to be a WhatsApp group/message saying ‘ I’m planning on going to x restaurant on x date for my birthday. Let me know if you fancy it so I can book a table’.
In all my years of doing this I’ve never paid and nobody has expected me to. And vice versa.

....but the whole point should be that there are no expectations.

Guests are invited, if they want to attend they do so on the basis that they'll be covering themselves. If they don't want to do that, they don't attend. Same as literally any other social occasion that isn't for one person's specific celebration!

Or do you only ever go out if assured someone else will foot the bill? Because if so that is a) tight b) entitled

OP hasn't indicated she'd expect a gift- again that is up to the guest to decide.

”can’t believe you’re even asking that”

From this thread alone you must be able to see that there is no set rule.

I’ve been out for many many 50th birthday meals recently- never once has the birthday person paid.

if anything it was a higher standard of restaurant than normal

This.

You have already said you go out for meals for birthdays and everyone pays for their own so why does being 50 change that?

I would not expect anyone to pay for my meal, invite or not, except at a wedding or food provided at a christening or funeral

Hard disagree, but we all pay for ourselves. You must have wealthier friends than we do.

I wouldn't expect the birthday person to pay for everyone in a restaurant. If anything, I'd think it more acceptable for everyone else to split the bill and cover the birthday person's meal.

We had a similar meal out with 20 friends for our silver wedding. The restaurant wanted £10/head deposit. We paid the deposits, garlic bread pizza starters and for drinks. Friends paid for their meals. This was clear on the invitation. In my circle of friends, it’s completely normal to pay for your own meal.

We went to a Mediterranean restaurant with mains from £14-£35, so a wide range of afforability.

I think it's more entitled to expect guests to show up to your choice of event, pay for it, and bring a gift!

And the fact they now shun that friend says more about them tbh

I agree. It is rather self entitled to expect someone to fork out for 10 people's meals. it's always best to assume that you are paying for yourself.

You were embarrassed at having to pay for your own food? Can you understand that it’s the norm in many, many circles to pay for your own meal when you got to a restaurant to celebrate someone’s birthday.