To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

You make attending a friends birthday sound like a works conference your attending reluctantly 😂

Like I said, I think your events are far more formal than mine.
My house parties have never included canapés and everyone brings a bottle ( or three 😂)

If you’d rather not or can’t afford it I’d buy some bottles of wine / prosecco for the table

There are clearly different dynamics in different groups of people. But, in general, where there is doubt about what to do (as there is for the OP), I'd say it's far better to do something you can afford and not effectively 'charge' people to attend, as opposed to having fixed ideas about going to a restaurant where you can't afford to pay for everyone.

This is especially true where you're inviting people who are friends from different areas of your life who probably won't know each other. It's easier to let people mingle over drinks and canapés at your house or at a bar, than sitting randoms next to each other in a restaurant of your choosing and expecting them to pay for the 'privilege.'

But there clearly isn’t a consensus on the appropriate etiquette.
I don’t think choosing the restaurant automatically means you pay. It’s not how we do it in my social circle.

My friend had a chose to do a bottomless brunch for her 40th recently. She chose the restaurant, the date and time. If we wanted to attend we had to let her know and choose and pay for our food and drinks in advance. At no point did anyone think she should pay for us all!

You keep mentioning not having much money then saying the birthday person should pay for all guests. I'm fairly well off and don't know many people that can pay for meals out for 15 people, even in a cheap restaurant or a pub. Do you?

Exactly, this is the bit that doesn’t make sense. The concept of ‘having the party you can afford’ yet expecting one person to cover the cost of everyone’s meal.

I can afford to pay for my own meal but I can’t afford to pay for all of the food and drinks consumed by my friends and family. The same goes for all of my friends.

We are having the party we can afford by paying our own bills.

I thought we were discussing etiquette- imo if you invite people, you choose the venue, the food, the date, and you pay.

If you say to a bunch of friends "fancy coming out to help me celebrate my birthday?" and you all choose a venue, date and food between you, then that's different, you all pay.

You keep mentioning not having much money then saying the birthday person should pay for all guests. I'm fairly well off and don't know many people that can pay for meals out for 15 people, even in a cheap restaurant or a pub. Do you?

Like I said, in a close group of friends who want to celebrate each others birthdays they would gladly pay for their own meal to celebrate together.

If that friendship group has people who can't afford that they should make more effort to do something low key or host at someone's house if they are considerate people.

That’s how you do it.
Obviously other people do it differently. This thread is evidence of that.

If you invite, you pay - it's not the same as everyone deciding where to go. You choose the venue and ask people to come.

For my 50th I hired caterers, which worked out about £40 per head, and I didnt charge anyone for that. For my 60th I invited people to afternoon tea in a hotel, and again I paid for that.

For my husband's 60th he hired a room in a pub and paid for all the food and we had free prosecco and otherwise people bought their own drinks.

For my dad's 90th he took everyone out for a meal and paid for everything.

I think that's how it's done if you are organising.

If i was invited to a birthday meal in a restaurant, I would expect to pay for my own meal.

The last birthday meal was at our local Indian restaurant and cost £20 per person. We chose to split the bill on this occasion as we’d all eaten/drunk similar amounts.
This wasn’t a big birthday just a group of us who socialise regularly getting together for my friend and her 10 year old as they share a birthday.

For bigger birthdays or occasions we might go to a slightly more expensive restaurant but we all still pay for ourselves.
We’re a core group of people - 9 of us including 3 tweens/teens. Occasionally there might be more if our parents come along but we’re guaranteed 9 birthday meals throughout the year. However, we socialise frequently (pretty much weekly) so we all know what to expect and are sensitive to differing financial circumstances.

Just out of interest, could I ask how much you might pay on average and how often?

You implied that those questioning the idea that, if you invite people to a birthday celebration (restaurant or home), you should cover the cost had a transactional view of friendships. It’s just the opposite - if you are hosting in any sense, ie if the event is yours, I think it’s a bit off to expect your invitees to pay. If hosting at a restaurant is too expensive for your celebration, have a party you can afford.

Of course it’s different when it’s not a specific person’s celebration- if it’s just a get-together meal. I’m just uncomfortable with the hosting/not hosting aspect. If other people suggest going out to celebrate your birthday then that’s a straightforward situation - everyone pays for themselves. But if you’re inviting people as your guests, I don’t think it is - and you’d certainly need to veto present. In what sense would they be your guests? You’d simply be inviting them to spend money for your sake.

And some people would bring present anyway.

i do realise, reading this thread, that most pps do just seem to have a lot more disposable income than me - so maybe I’m completely out of touch. But it’s a different world to mine!

When it was my 50th, I decided I'd really like to go for afternoon tea up the Shard as it's something I'd been wanting to do for a while. I obviously couldn't afford to take 50 or 100 people to do that, so I took 5 close girlfriends. My choice of venue, so I'm hardly going to ask them to pay.

In my circle of friends we would all expect to pay for ourselves and would probably share the cost of the birthday girl.

I wouldn’t expect the person inviting me to pay I have always paid

Maybe buy a few bottles of wine

We are sensitive about each others circumstances.
And not one of us is even in the realms of hedge fund managers etc.

We’re average earners eating at local restaurants.

Sorry I have no idea what your point is or how it contradicts my point. My point was actually a cheaper meal is generally what people go for if going out to a restaurant and everyone pays for themselves. I never said I do that regularly. Actually DH and I tend to celebrate our birthdays with a meal out together. Also perfectly happy for friends to host if they have the space and inclination and happy to contribute with food or drink.

How is paying for food you’ve ordered and eaten the same as being charged to attend an event? They aren’t the same thing at all.

That’s fine if everyone is happy with it, but my friendship groups contain a variety of people with very different incomes/budgets. Some work in finance and have hedge-fund manager partners and though they’re lovely and great fun, they are sometimes very naive about what others can afford. One woman in particular has been put under stress a few times because of this blithe, unthinking assumption that £50 is loose change to everyone.

And it shouldn’t be on the ‘poorer’ people to have to speak up - there should be more sensitivity all round to avoid embarrassing others in a different income bracket.

How is it arrogant to only do what you feel you can afford?

When it was my 50th, I decided I'd really like to go for afternoon tea up the Shard as it's something I'd been wanting to do for a while. I obviously couldn't afford to take 50 or 100 people to do that, so I took 5 close girlfriends. My choice of venue, so I'm hardly going to ask them to pay. We did something else as a family.

I get it if there is a small group whi all go to each other's birthdays on rotation and tiy just pay for yourselves. If that's what you do, that's what you do.

But, in general, I'm not going to charge anyone for making the effort to show up to my birthday or other type of event. Especially when you might have different people from different areas of your life who may not know each other. When it was DH's 40th, I invited over 100 people and lots had young kids at the time. So we just had a pub with a garden and a (much cheaper) buffet on a Sunday afternoon so that nobody had to worry about babysitters and every one could relax.

why is it obvious ? How incredibly arrogant to assume that you do it the right way. Ghastly

I’m fascinated that such a large percentage of people seem to have a spare £1,000 for stuff like this. (I’m in SE btw.) If it was one of my friend’s 50th and she couldn’t afford to pay for all of us, I’d much rather we all put in for a nice evening out, than she cut her cloth as some suggest and did buffet at the local British Legion or something

I totally agree with this. If you arrange a meal out, it’s absolutely fine for people to pay for their own provided they are told in advance and the wording is appropriate ( you can’t officially invite someone to something if you’re not paying for it, and you particularly shouldn’t issue printed invitations).
However it’s on you as the host to make sure people aren’t getting stiffed. Either by taking orders and splitting costs in advance or fairly afterwards based in what people had, or - more easily- booking somewhere with a set menu or buffet style where it’s all the same price. I would also say that the host should- if they can - cover the cost of the tip.

Are the sort of person who treats an invitation as though it’s a summons? I’ve never expected any of my friends (and I only invite friends I know well) to do anything. As a group we’re ‘celebrators’ - any excuse for a bit of socialising. It’s much easier to just pay for ourselves.

I’m never offended if someone can’t make it or doesn’t want to come. And I certainly wouldn’t be offended if someone couldn’t afford it. We’re close enough to be honest with each other. We’re also mindful of each other’s circumstances.

It’s the norm in my circle of friends to pay for yourself, so people know what to expect. It would change the dynamic if people suddenly started to pay for everything. It would make people feel uncomfortable.
You’d be viewed as being a bit flash 😂