To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

Yeah but that requires you to have access to £500. Most people I know live payslip to payslip so can’t afford a one off big payment.

True but I am making the point that people i know organise and fund the big birthday celebration. Sometimes that involves a sit down meal in a restaurant. Sometimes a party at home, or a do in a venue. But it's the principle. I guess you would be more affluent to fund a sit down meal - my dad wasn't that rich but he was 90 and had nothing much else to spend his money on.

You would also go out with a group of eg work colleagues, book club friends, gym buddies not invited to the do, and everyone would pay their own.

@yorktown this isn't one fixed group either, but everyone I know, even from separate groups, does it this way.

No I don't feel any pressure, they have control of what they choose to book and spend.

My point is more that the etiquette of paying for your own party/dinner is more beneficial to those on a budget than rich people as it's being made out to be across this thread.

It doesn't have to be that way, though. Speak up and stand your ground! I too am veggie and rarely drink. In my friendship group there is one person who takes the mick with ordering so I refuse to split the bill anymore and just pay for myself. She didn't like it at first, but tough! And we're still friends. My other group is a book group. They are all retired and wealthy, which I'm not. So when we went to a restaurant I was fully expecting to split the bill but no, they all paid separately. So they're wealthy but they're still careful with their money, whereas the ones who haven't got much tend to splash it about when they do go out. I think maybe the wealthy ones eat out all the time so it's normal for them to pay for themselves.

Wouldn't work in my friendships as lots of people don't go in for birthday meals and we are not a fixed friendship group. I have people from various areas of my life who don't all know each other equally.

If they are paying for fancy restaurants for you, do you feel any pressure or need to spend more on yours?

Fine to pay, fine to not pay. Long as people know up front if they are expected to pay. Or you could pay for some wine which, depending on the people, may make bill splitting easier.

That only works if everyone reciprocates though.

I think 'ghastly' is my new favourite word :)

I agree. When it’s a casual group dinner I wouldn’t just say ‘ I have booked x on this date’ there’d be an element of consensus. But for a significant birthday people make an effort to attend or feel obligated.

It's cheaper for me to pay €50 per head for 10 people once a year than €80-€100 10 times throughout the year to go to fancy restaurants they choose. That's what it means to organise and pay for an event you can afford.

I’m also veggie and barely drink, usually driving, and I agree with you!!

Paying for your own meal in a restaurant for a birthday is entirely different to paying to attend someone's wedding, which I wouldn't do in a million years.

This post highlights the wide demographics of people on Mumsnet and how those who are very well off don't seem able to grasp that others have to take costs into account.

I don't know anyone who could afford to put £500 towards a restaurant bill (And have never been for a meal where £500 would be a contribution to an even bigger total).

When I go out for a meal with friends, it's usually something like an Indian or Thai restaurant so the total bill is much less than £500 but we still all pay for ourselves, including when it's somebody's birthday.

But that's very different, thats hiring a venue or an area in a venue and putting on a party. Some of my friends choose to do the same. That's totally different to inviting friends out for a meal at a restaurant to celebrate your birthday

No, we aren't rich. Older. It's what everyone i know does for a big birthday - put on an event like a party and provide the food and drink. It wouldn't always mean paying for other people's meals, but say offering a buffet style of three or four options in a room above a pub, or doing the food yourself or having caterers in at home. Only for the big birthdays.

I wouldn't expect to pay at a restaurant, who Can afford that? I have never gone to a restaurant for a birthday and not paid for myself or expected to be paid for. It's fine - if we are friends I want to see you and celebrate with you, plus you have gave an organised a social event so all good.

I wonder if the people saying 'you invite you pay' are from rich circles.

Yes. Tone deaf rich circles.

I think there’s a difference between paying for your own meal in a restaurant and being charged to attend a wedding!

In my friends circle we would pay for your meal and each pay for our own.

It’s a shame your friends aren’t mindful of your situation. I have a particular eating disorder which means there are some restaurants where I can’t eat very much and my friends would never suggest splitting the bill on those occasions.

We’re lucky that in our northern village there are lots of local places that are good value and we try to support local businesses where possible.

No - I’m not saying that at all - and in fact, I’d be mortified if someone did pay for my meal! It’s never happened to me and I’d be embarrassed.

I just read so much on MN about cheeky people organising Insta-worthy weddings, baby showers and even birthdays and asking invitees to pay to attend. I think the general principle should be: if you’re the host, have the party/wedding you can afford - it’s a host’s role to treat their guests. But I concede that there are grey areas and if everyone is cool with paying for themselves at someone’s celebration, that’s fine too.

Also if a friend of mine couldn't afford to come, no problem! Id just do something separately with them instead. I would never expect the person inviting me to cover my meal, unless they were cooking at their house, but even then I would contribute with wine or a dessert or something.

You clearly have no idea that many people simply can't afford to do what you do. Have you?

Have you read the many, many posts from people who don't do this because they can't afford to?

As an aside, If you were invited to join friends in a restaurant for a celebration, would you refuse to go if they weren't going to pay for you?

I wonder if the people saying 'you invite you pay' are from rich circles. There is absolutely no way any of my friends could afford to cover 15 meals at a nice restaurant and neither would we expect them to. For my 40th I invited 12 friends assuming everyone would cover their own but they covered mine and wouldn't take no for an answer. What kind of birthday is it if you have fork out like 600quid for one meal.

That sounds great. I live in a commuter town in the SE and I don’t think we go to posh places (chains like Zaza and local independents) but I’ve never got out for less than £40. It’s very largely the splitting of the bill and the fact that I’m not your typical restaurant-goer, in that I don’t eat meat and rarely drink. I’ve dodged a few of these occasions recently for financial reasons but one is looming and I’m trying to think of ways to just pay for my modest meal without causing ructions…🫩