To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

If you can’t see the difference between these two scenarios then this conversation is pointless

What would you suggest the other options are in this scenario.
A good friend of mine lives payslip to payslip. He has zero savings and very little disposable income after he’s paid his bills and mortgage.
His house is tiny so can’t have a party and there’s no garden or outside space. His birthday is in November and we live in the north of England where it rains a lot and already feels like winter.

He’s suggested a meal for his birthday. There will probably be between 8-10 of us. He can’t afford to pay for us all. According to you he shouldn’t be inviting us out if he can’t pay for us all.
What should I suggest he does instead?

If you were hosting a dinner party at home for your birthday, you might well end up spending a lot on food and drinks. Would you charge your guests for your shopping bill? Perhaps take a service charge as well?

@HighLadyofTheNightCourt - "Are there other options though?"

Of course there are other options to restaurants. 😕

I don’t summon my friends. They are happy to spend time in my company.

As for paying for theatre tickets? What? If people want to attend a show they pay for themselves. It doesn’t matter what the occasion is.

I'd think it quite old fashioned for the birthday host to pay for a restaurant meal. If I were organising a 50th, I'd probably ask that nobody brings a gift, and mention the set menu costs xyz. Alternatively, go to a bar or pub and pay for first couple rounds.

Are there other options though? You are obviously coming from a place of privilege and are oblivious to the fact that some people aren’t as wealthy as you.
What you are essentially saying is that only wealthy people get to celebrate their birthday with friends.

Even when my son at uni celebrated his 21st, he found a restaurant that did a group deal - eg, so much per head for bookings of 20 or whatever, and did that. He didn't summon people, take their cards and gifts and then present them with a bill!

My DD, in a recent birthday, really wanted to go to see Evita. Of course shes not going to invite 20 friends and expect then to pay for their own tickets! So she took 1 friend because that was what she could afford, and saw the others at other times.

I wouldn't hold a party or a wedding and expect the guests to pay, but for some reason, restaurant meals with friends are different. The person who suggested the meal doesn't usually choose the restaurant without any discussion with the others (unless it's already a favourite with the group). They don't hire the whole venue or choose what food and drink is served to everyone. If one person wants a steak and two bottles of expensive wine, they can have it, as long as they don't expect someone else to pay for it.

Yes people do understand that not everyone can pay for dinner for 15 people. That is precisely why people opt for other types of celebration. You don't HAVE to go out for dinner. There are other options! Most people can surely grasp that.

If it's your birthday and you are inviting, you know people will bring a gift so you should at least 'put on' some form of 'event', even if it's just a drink in a bar. It's just basic manners. Or have them to your house if you can't afford dinner for everyone. Its not "dinner for 20 or nothing at all."

Etiquette schmetiquette. You talk as if you are from a different echelon of society to most people.

Are you being deliberatley obtuse?

Do you really not understand that most people can't afford to pay for a meal for 10 or 15 people? And it is very common practice (as in usual, not common as muck) to invite people along to a meal for any kind of celebration and not have to pay for other people.

We aren't all as wealthy as you, so does that mean we can't ever go out with our friends for any kind of occasion? And does it mean that you would refuse to attend a celebratory meal if you thought you had to pay for your own?

Your invite, your bill.

Another tone deaf comment.

Your invite, your bill.

I don't like the way "are you elderly" seems to be positioned here as an unusual characteristic. Older people are entitled to join in the conversation too.

My dad paid for everyone for his 90th but equally my husband paid for a meal in a restaurant for friends for his 40rh

This! I’ve been to lots of birthday dinners in my life and never has the birthday-haver paid. I’ve never encountered this “rule” except on mumsnet. If I did a straw poll of everyone I know I’m certain they’d all say they expect to pay for their own food.

It's different, but not by a huge degree in my view. I wouldn't see people as obliged to attend, or feel obliged from the other side. I'm vegetarian and I wouldn't attend if I didn't think I'd eat well at the place they'd chosen. There are always some people who say they can't make it - maybe in some cases they actually don't fancy the place or don't want to spend the money, which is absolutely fine if so.

You can say no if the date, time and restaurant doesn’t suit you.

We’re going out for my son’s birthday tonight. We’ve chosen the date, time and restaurant but there is no chance that I’m paying for all 15 meals and drinks. And nobody will expect us to - it doesn’t even need to be mentioned. Those who can make it are coming. Those that didn’t fancy it or couldn’t make the date said no. It’s not a big deal.

If OP is “inviting” people to celebrate her, at a specific place, time and price point of her choosing, she is creating a self-focused event that is quite different from a group-organized mutual meetup.

Civilized people understand this.

Of course s birthday is different to an everyday get together in a restaurant. People are just being disingenuous in trying to pretend otherwise. If it's a friend's 50th, you feel obliged to go and also take a gift. It's not the same as, "What are you doing Saturday night, fancy going out for a catch up, maybe that Thai restaurant in Notting Hill? Oh no, I can't on Saturday, but maybe the following week.... etc etc." For a birthday, people make more effort to be there at your choice of venue and time.

Sharing a meal in a restaurant doesn’t mean you are the host and your friends are your guests.
Why is that so difficult to comprehend?

What an offensive question.

No, decent manners are not “an age thing.”

Etiquette has always required that hosts refrain from asking guests to share the expense.

If you plan and organise a big birthday party you are unlikely to be paying hundreds of pounds at once. And party is different to a meal. Not sure why that’s so difficult to understand.

And what the tone deaf people of MN keep ignoring is that not everyone has a house big enough or suitable for a party.

How odd

Is this an age thing ? Are you quite elderly ?

I would always assume I was paying for myself if I was invited out for someone’s birthday.

Absolutely no way could I afford to pay for a meal put for friends. Who has that sort of money these days!
Thankfully it seems normal that you pay for your own meal when ive been put for friends birthdays. I wouldn't expect them to pay for me.