To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

I agree. If someone did that to me I wouldn't be able to reciprocate.

Surely, you just do whatever is commn practice in your circle, then no-one is embarrassed.

For my 50th we had a handful of friends (9 of us in total) to our house, and I paid for an Indian takeaway (from a really nice local Indian restaurant). Because it was at our house I was hosting, so of course I paid.

Shame I had a cracking migraine and couldn't enjoy it.

I have never ever been out to dinner with friends for someone’s birthday and had them pay for everyone’s meal. Literally not ever. People always pay for their own.

(For context I am in my early 40s, born and raised in SW London)

I think it would be quite weird, and even 'cringe', if I suddenly paid for everyone on my birthday, when that hasn't been the practice at the numerous other birthday celebrations I've attended with the same friends. It would be like I'm suddenly some big cheese flashing the cash? And be slightly awkward for all the people who didn't do the same when it was their birthday?

Yes of course I understand that. I just personally wouldn’t do it!

@Greensquarecold do you not understand that it is common practice amongst my friends that no-one expects to be treated for a meal? The majority of posters also do this with their friends.

Friends have parties with buffets, but that's different because they are hosting. For a birthday meal I am not hosting, I am merely asking if they want to join me, and they know perfectly well that they would be paying for their own food - because it is normal round here.

Can you not understand that?

I’m not wealthy, I would just never ask people to celebrate without paying. If I plan something I save up for it (often over years). It’s just really important to me to treat people if I invite them. It’s actually a working class value I get from my parents and a matter or pride.

I am not hosting parties at fancy restaurants. More local curry house on a very special occasion.

Absolutely @Besttobe8001
I don't think I have seen so many tone deaf posters on one thread before who lack the intelligence to understand that people have different levels of disposable income.

This is Mumsnet though, where it's terribly gauche to even notice that you've got a year older let alone expect anyone who loves you to celebrate with you. And if you can't afford the Ivy for 15 people you have to have Aldi snacks in a car park.

@No5ChalksRoad
@IamtheDevilsAvocado
@Greensquarecold
@minvee
@RoseAlone

You seem to live in such privileged bubbles and clearly lack the emotionl intelligence to understand that:

a) it is widespread practice among the majority of people having a celebration to invite friends to join them for a meal with everyone paying for themselves

b) a meal at a restaurant is NOT a party

c) not everyone can afford to host several people for a restaurant meal

d) people less wealthy than you shouldn't have to stay at home for coffee and cake or wine and cheese and biscuits when they and their friends are happy to all go out for a meal and are more than happy to pay for themselves

It might be etiquette to you, but it is very out of date "etiquette". Many restaurants would go out of business if they relied on celebration meals that only the hosts paid for.

When I host a dinner party I pay for all the food and drinks, although our guests always bring wine as well, because I am hosting. When I invite friends out for a meal for any kind of occasion I am not hosting, I am merely asking them if they would like to join me.

What is so difficult to understand about that?

But not everyone is in a position to save and pay for something like that.
The suggestion seems to be that poor people shouldn’t expect to be able to celebrate their birthday with their friends. I don’t know anyone who begrudges paying for their own meal in a restaurant for someone’s birthday. In fact, we actively choose to do it as it’s a pleasurable experience.
If I tried to pay for everyone’s meal my friends would just transfer me the money anyway! It would change the dynamic of the friendship.

I find it a bit cringe but accept others don’t. I saved up carefully prior to my husband’s 50th so I could host a dinner for his family and friends to celebrate together. I would never dream of inviting people to something and then asking them to pay for the pleasure.

What I've got from this thread is that some people are serious fun sponges.

I don't think it's cringe or grasping or attention-seeking if friends want to go out for their birthdays. I WANT to go out for their birthdays and I cherish celebrating them. These are my friends or my family. I would hate for them to think I'm there for a free meal.

I'm quite sad for some of you.

I'd say that behaviour would be pretty unusual for that age group in particular.

If I was one of the friends in the Evita scenario, I'd be very happy to be invited and pay for my ticket if I wanted to see the show - obviously with no pressure to attend if someone doesn't want to or can't afford it.

I do have an 'understanding with friends'. My understanding is based on the numerous other birthday dinners I've attended over the years with said friends, where everyone has always paid for themselves.

What part of ‘going for a meal is not the same as hosting a party’ are you finding difficult to understand.

Etiquette changes over time and is situation-based and culturally dependent anyway.

Otherwise we’d all still be socialising as though we are from some kind of Jane Austen novel.

There is no etiquette for this. It is what you and your friends/family make it.

You're not 'hosting' if you're all going to a restaurant. If you've hired a venue then yes I am expecting that you will pay. Otherwise, the rules need spelling out.

In my friendship group, if we are all going out for your birthday to a restaurant/pub, then I would pay for myself and the rest of us would split your bill to treat you. No one would expect you to pay. It's your birthday!

Etiquette is far from "old-fashioned." You just aren't versed in it.

Notions of proper hospitality haven't changed. Offer what you can, even if it's just tea and biscuits. Don't dun people to finance a party you wish to hold.

In your opinion in relation to Etiquette, that seems incredibly old fashioned hence why I asked if you were rather elderly
maybe I should have said how quaint and old fashioned. Bless

I think it's more than a bit cringe to say "come celebrate meeeeeeee, and be sure to bring your wallet!"

I think it’s a bit cringe to be invited out and expect to be treated.

There is nuance in there...

Yup often the 'head' or whatever antiquated term used pays (as they're hosting!)

If 15 women all go for meal? ..(let's all go out next Friday!) Each pays for themselves.... But if one woman is saying... It's my birthday I want to celebrate at x place and x time.... Thats different!

It’s clearly not ‘cringe’ as a significant number of people on this thread would expect to pay for their own meal.
Not everyone has the disposable income to pay for a meal for 15 people.

It's definitely not the norm to pay for everyone where I am!
And I dont see it as to with whether you can afford it or not. All in my groups can.
The last 'big number' meal i went to, host bought everyone a drink but we all paid for our own meal (very expensive place!)
Different if the party's at home.

If you want people to go out and celebrate you then you should pay. Unless you have an understanding with friends and know that everyone is happy to pay for themselves. It’s a bit cringe as a grown adult to invite people out and not pay.