To pay or not to pay for everyone’s dinner if I invite them out for my 50th?

In all my social circles if you’re invited out for a birthday meal the expectation is you pay for your own food and drinks 🤷🏼‍♀️

And in most circles it isn’t expected of the person inviting to pay ..
Thankfully none of my circle have such high expectations, nor do I ..
Also senseless comparison, kind person gifting present to someone, it’s basic manners to thank somebody, nothing to do with expectations

It's not so much a matter of what YOU expect, but what is expected from the person inviting.
Just like, the good-natured person giving a gift may not expect a thank-you, but that's still what we expect from the recipient.

I don’t know why but that makes it different for me. I think “a let’s get together to celebrate your birthday” between friends equals pay for yourself. An invite from you to 15 friends to celebrate your birthday equals you pay, especially if it’s a milestone birthday.

It is perfectly reasonable to say to your bunch of friends "it's my birthday next month, fancy getting together?" then discussing venue, date etc and everyone paying for their meal.

But we are talking about a different scenario, where the birthday girl sets an event up and issues invitations to attend.

And that's where some of us think you pay.

I think it’s a bit different when there’s a set friendship group who are each others main friends or as is more normal for me, friends who have friends from lots of different places and at a milestone birthday want to celebrate with all of those people. Lots of people at a gathering for the latter type of group will never have met each other before.
Being sat next to at a dinner with people you don’t know is expensive and formal and most people don’t enjoy it that much so it’s basically reserved for weddings. Meaning unless you have all known each other for years then most people host a party, provide a base level of drinks and food and other people BYOB and may even bring food to contribute as well if they are good guests.

Uber arrived in our village about 18 months ago which, in principle, is great. Until you try to get home from the city. Drivers are reluctant to take the job as they don’t want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere without a return fare.

I find a lot of these answers very grabby and the aggression quite dismaying.

for me there is no hard and fast rule, but I’d expect to pay my way and would in no way shape nor form want any friend to buy me a meal on their birthday, if anything I’d buy theirs and am always delighted to join and celebrate a friends birthday.

I think you need to understand that not everyone is like this and this situation is very different to you paying for your own food and drink at a restaurant when celebrating the birthday birthday of a person you actually like.

But I find the entitlement really, really awful and I can see it rubbing off in her kids now as well who will basically take anything they can get from anyone with no qualms

@minvee I had a now former childhood friend like this, I don’t know if she was like this with everyone but she always expected me to pick up the bill.

When she was on benefits for several years I did, but then when she started working she still seemed to expect me to pay. Maybe because she had kids and I didn’t? Not sure.

But it was one of the many one-sided aspects of our friendships. I stopped doing it eventually and would just announce to the waiter we were splitting the bill.

Not once after that did she think to cover my share in return for all the many times I did for her. She was probably, if anything, annoyed and feeling hard done by that I didn’t pay for her anymore.

In most of my circles I think it would be seen as unpleasantly ostentatious to pick up the whole bill for the table, but in one group, where the money is generally flowing more easily, there are people who would do this for (usually) their wives' birthdays.

For me, it's not about the money - it's the attitude, like a kind of inane entitlement. You'll be out and about, she'll suggest going in a coffee shop and she just wafts in and sits down. Every single time. It literally never occurs to her to offer to get the coffees.

Oh, that annoys me as well. I have an ex-friend who used to do that all the time.

Coffee shops with friends we either get our own, whoever gets there first will order for everyone, or we take turns. Depends a bit on the number of people and how frequently we get coffee together, but definitely no taking advantage. Well, except for the 6 year old but we put him to work collecting stirrers and napkins.

To be honest, I think the reason I've engaged with this thread is I recently spent a day with a relative who, despite being to all intents and purposes perfectly lovely, is absolutely clueless when it comes to taking her turn paying for anything. For me, it's not about the money - it's the attitude, like a kind of inane entitlement. You'll be out and about, she'll suggest going in a coffee shop and she just wafts in and sits down. Every single time. It literally never occurs to her to offer to get the coffees. She is 50, but like a child in this respect. If you have lunch, she will usually go to the loo or be suddenly taking an urgent call when the bill comes. Time and time again, it's the same. I've had decades of this. If she comes to your home for dinner, she never brings anything. Her DH was the one I mentioned earlier in the thread who tried to organise a party in some random bar in Reading, and they thought they were being amazingly magnanimous by offering people a free glass of Chardonnay on entry. Ffs. Of course, she herself once had a dinner and everyone had to pay to the penny / and civet her as well. And she had a wedding abroad, years ago, and never even bought her guests si much as a round of drinks. I keep thinking this person will change, because they are a relative and, as I say, are generally quite nice otherwise. But I find the entitlement really, really awful and I can see it rubbing off in her kids now as well who will basically take anything they can get from anyone with no qualms. And she is exactly the type if person who will justify never paying for people with "Oh well, they didn't have to come if they didn't want to." In fact, she has said this over the years and it's why this phrase winds me up so much. So apologies, as I am probably projecting a lot on this thread, due to a very recent and depressing experience with this relative.

Same here. We tend to eat out locally because we are rural. We also like to support local businesses. We don't have Ubers at the drop of a hat so taxis have to be booked in advance as public transport isn't great, and going into the city would add £££££ to the evening, even when sharing.

It was me.
We tend to visit local restaurants because we like to support local businesses. We live quite rural so it works best for us that way.
If we do go into our nearest big city that ‘s more of an event and will be to attend a concert, play or do a particular activity. Or to go for drinks/bar crawl. Again, people pay for themselves.

If I’m organising a meal (or any other type of activity) with close friends or a slightly wider social circle the invite will always be WhatsApp or Facebook if I don’t have their number. The people invited will always be people I know well and they will all know that the expectation is that you pay for yourself.

It’s what is culturally acceptable in the circles I socialise in.

Op I would pay if you can afford to, perhaps do a set menu and wine for the table and if they want to order cocktails etc they can order for selves at the bar. I would make it clear in advance you’re taking them out for dinner so they know (and also so they will get you a decent present! - my friend invited us out for her 40th recently and I thought it was a split the bill situation and I brought quite a token present as I thought I was about to spend a fortune, it I knew she was treating us I’d have been much more generous!)

if you don’t want to or can’t afford to pay, then I strongly recommend booking an area in a pub - perhaps you get a couple of bottles of Prosecco to start everyone off - and then people can order their own food at the bar if they want to eat pub food or they can eat first, but there is no bill splitting awkwardness!

I did t say anything about inviting people you barely know. People on here have been talking about always going out locally and I had the impression it's always the same group or thereabouts - sorry I can't remember exactly who said what, but that's the impression I've been getting, eg. everyone is local and on a WhatsApp group and so it's just "who wants to come out on Sat because it's so-and-sos birthday?" That type of thing?

If you can afford it, it would be lovely to pay.
Personally I wouldn't be able to afford it but I would make that clear. I don't think I've ever expected to be paid for when I've gone out for someone else's birthday. But then, it's not the kind of thing my friends really do - we'd be more likely to have a bbq or party at home.

What you don’t want to do though is invite people who might assume or hope you’re hosting, and then have them split the bill with someone who has ordered steak and loads of wine even though they just had soup and a soft drink. I hate when that happens!

I don't invite people I barely know out for a meal. It's always with close friends.

Same here. And if someone asks to bring a partner / random friend along that’s fine - because they’d be paying for themselves. If I was going to a meal as a plus-one, I’d be really embarrassed to have someone I don’t know or barely know paying for my meal.

my friends are a real mix of ages (30’s to 60’s) as well as being a mix of professions and backgrounds. The understanding amongst all of us is that you pay for your own meal. That’s the understanding amongst my close knit group AND my wider social circle.

Same here. Basically it is culturally acceptable.

I don't invite people I barely know out for a meal. It's always with close friends.

A party at home is different because I would be the host and I would buy and prepare all the food and provide drinks.

Why are you insistent that you are right? And so bloody patronising? I’m in my 40’s and my friends are a real mix of ages (30’s to 60’s) as well as being a mix of professions and backgrounds. The understanding amongst all of us is that you pay for your own meal. That’s the understanding amongst my close knit group AND my wider social circle.

It’s obviously not what you do and I can understand that. Why are you having so much trouble understanding that people have a different perspective?

And if your birthday can’t be about you then what’s the point? Why do people on MN deride people for celebrating their birthday and act like it’s a bad thing?

Yes there are clearly different norms in different groups. Of course there are. And if you can't afford something, you can't afford it. This applies to everyone.

However, I think some people on here are talking about a specific dynamic in their quite intimate friendship groups that have their particular understandings.

I'm talking about the issue more generally - eg. if you are having a party inviting people beyond your immediate 'closed' group with your mutual understandings. Like the actual question posed by the OP who was not sure what to do because her situation is not as clear-cut as "I always out with 6 friends and we always go locally and we always pay for ourselves..."

Obviously we can all only do what we can afford. But some of the attitudes expressed in this thread do come across as a bit clueless - like some people haven't grown out of the mindset of "it's my birthday and is all about meeee," coupled with this cop out phrase "they don't have to come after all," or "why should I pay for what they eat?"

Beyond very close-knit groups with particular understandings, if you, as an adult in your 40s, 50s, 60s decide to arrange a birthday dinner for a slightly more mixed group (eg. friend with partners or husbands you may not know as well; people who have had to travel or get babysitters; people who may not all be local best mates around the table) - then, I'm sorry but in this scenario, you host, you pay. Or don't do it at all.

What is wrong is telling people they lack basic courtesy or calling them rude, entitled or crass. Not everyone is wealthy enough to be able to cover the cost of a meal for 15 of their friends.

It's frustrating that this message just isn't getting across.

These people don't understand that what is normal for their friendship group is different to what is normal for our friendship groups.