Page 2 | To be ill AND have a nice, tidy home

Incomingwinter · 2025-10-25T19:13:02+00:00

I’m a single parent with two brilliant kids and a fairly good ex husband who sees them regularly. Over the past fortnight I have been ill, progressively worsening to a short hospital stay. I haven’t told the ex or children about this as it was at a time when the kids were with their dad so it didn’t affect them (and I hate drama of any kind). I’m home, on the right meds and being told to ‘rest’. Whilst I completely understand this, the reality of my life just doesn’t fit with this. I am the sole carer of 2 young children. There isn’t anyone else. Yes I have a village, yes I have friends (who also have their own children especially with it being half term this week) but I cannot possibly ask someone to have an additional two children indefinitely. My main problem is the house. The jobs are piling up and piling up and I physically cannot do them all. All of my systems are falling apart: the kids are running out of clothes, the kitchen looks like Snow White before the animal help, it’s horrendous. I physically cannot cope and I don’t know what else to do. I walk around from room to room crying at the mess. I’ve tried to break it down to the essentials but then found myself cleaning the living room windows half an hour ago (obvs it’s dark outside) and I think I’m losing the plot. Any practical advice that isn’t ask people for help greatly welcomed. Please don’t tell me to leave the mess. A lovely, orderly, tidy home makes me happy. When it’s not nice, I spiral. Thank you all

Original poster

Incomingwinter · 25/10/2025 22:19

buffyreboot · 25/10/2025 22:15

Lancashire

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Ha ha ha, if only we didn’t have the Pennines between us, we could call a truce on the archaic war of the roses. All in the name of getting on top of my house 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Incomingwinter · 25/10/2025 22:18

Mindyourfunkybusiness · 25/10/2025 22:13

Ooooo I had something going on for 8 weeks - barely able to clean for 4 weeks of that. Horrific. No dishes at some point. I broke it up into wipe downs (not my usual standard at allllll) and bleach toilets and sink holes because had the bleach out. I had to lower my standards come to think of it lol. As long as it wasn't dirty like I will get sick dirty, I accepted defeat.

Dishwasher was done minimally 2x a day to clear the backlog little by little and not overwork myself during a time where i was exhausted. Piled it up into areas like tetris and left space to make food safely and focused only on that area to be always clean. That clean space was ALWAYS to be sorted and I'd always then do a bonus clean so a little extra but not so much that it made me overworked.

Bathrooms/toilets a wipe down not a steam and bleach and done. A bowl and sponge and quick run over taps. Sinks etc and then dettol spray and leave instead of steam. As long as we could safely wash our hands and be hygienic it was fine.

Washing I did one a day minimally. Nothing unrealistic, saving energy for the next day. Vacuumed main room I spent time the most in (living room) and eventually did extra rooms etc once dishwasher and washing was caught up with I caught up with floors, bathroom better clean etc.

Think of it as you NEED food so kitchen is priority plus room you rest in (for me it was living room) With food, sleep/rest and breaks it gives you the basic human needs met which allow you to keep moving forward. Always did what was needed and then a little extra to start making dents in the huge amount of work.

I hope it makes sense - I'm still in the bonus stage where i do the musts - kitchen, rest space and anything else is bonus. I'm still in the thick of my situation but we are coming out of it now - but it causes extra work and tiredness! So I'm here trying to make sense but I'm quire tired.

Always make sure basic humans needs are met to allow you to keep going. Don't overwork all at once or you'll be floored and frustrated. Steady pace, plenty of breaks and break into mini jobs where needs a met first and then you do little bits of other things and it'll work out!

Thank you so much, you are so right and what I needed to hear. Going to ask ex to make meals for the kids that I can just microwave too. This will save on pots.

Youve all been so incredibly helpful. Hopefully by this time tomorrow the antibiotics will start to kick in and then I can make decisions on the holiday. Which is completely paid for, involves no cooking (or housework) and will occupy the kids for 4 days. Versus no money at all at home, having to feed them and clean the house. But holiday will need some energy. That’s for another day - the dishwasher is finished 🎉

OP posts:

buffyreboot · 25/10/2025 22:15

Incomingwinter · 25/10/2025 21:02

Where do you live 😉😉😉

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Lancashire

Mindyourfunkybusiness · 25/10/2025 22:13

Ooooo I had something going on for 8 weeks - barely able to clean for 4 weeks of that. Horrific. No dishes at some point. I broke it up into wipe downs (not my usual standard at allllll) and bleach toilets and sink holes because had the bleach out. I had to lower my standards come to think of it lol. As long as it wasn't dirty like I will get sick dirty, I accepted defeat.

Dishwasher was done minimally 2x a day to clear the backlog little by little and not overwork myself during a time where i was exhausted. Piled it up into areas like tetris and left space to make food safely and focused only on that area to be always clean. That clean space was ALWAYS to be sorted and I'd always then do a bonus clean so a little extra but not so much that it made me overworked.

Bathrooms/toilets a wipe down not a steam and bleach and done. A bowl and sponge and quick run over taps. Sinks etc and then dettol spray and leave instead of steam. As long as we could safely wash our hands and be hygienic it was fine.

Washing I did one a day minimally. Nothing unrealistic, saving energy for the next day. Vacuumed main room I spent time the most in (living room) and eventually did extra rooms etc once dishwasher and washing was caught up with I caught up with floors, bathroom better clean etc.

Think of it as you NEED food so kitchen is priority plus room you rest in (for me it was living room) With food, sleep/rest and breaks it gives you the basic human needs met which allow you to keep moving forward. Always did what was needed and then a little extra to start making dents in the huge amount of work.

I hope it makes sense - I'm still in the bonus stage where i do the musts - kitchen, rest space and anything else is bonus. I'm still in the thick of my situation but we are coming out of it now - but it causes extra work and tiredness! So I'm here trying to make sense but I'm quire tired.

Always make sure basic humans needs are met to allow you to keep going. Don't overwork all at once or you'll be floored and frustrated. Steady pace, plenty of breaks and break into mini jobs where needs a met first and then you do little bits of other things and it'll work out!

Original poster

Incomingwinter · 25/10/2025 22:13

AbraKebabraa · 25/10/2025 22:11

Yes, he sounds like a thoroughly invested father but does he do their laundry? Does the base line of need affect him?
Send their clothes to him to relieve you of one task atm. Make doting dad step up.

Yeah, he does all their laundry when they’re with him. I could definitely send him with a couple of bags of kids clothes to wash - good call thank you! I wouldn’t say doting dad either, I just said he was ‘fairly’ good 😂

OP posts:

AbraKebabraa · 25/10/2025 22:11

Yes, he sounds like a thoroughly invested father but does he do their laundry? Does the base line of need affect him?
Send their clothes to him to relieve you of one task atm. Make doting dad step up.

DancingNotDrowning · 25/10/2025 22:06

Given that you’ve been unwell enough to spend time in hospital I don’t think it’s unreasonable to present your need to your ex as a fait acomplis: “Bob I’ve been in hospital for the past few days and cannot look after the DC, you’ll need to have them through to the 4th”.

he can chose to be a good dad or not 🤷‍♀️

PuppyMonkey · 25/10/2025 22:04

… doesn’t sound like the ideal time to be going on holiday. Cancel?

You’re not asking for “favours” from your ex. You’re asking him to do what parents need to do when one of you is ill. Unless you’ve still not told them all you’ve been in hospital, which would be really silly tbf.

Original poster

Incomingwinter · 25/10/2025 22:01

WhitstablePearl · 25/10/2025 21:57

If I were you, I would put together a smallish WhatsApp chat of trusted friends and do a brief post explaining you have been ill, need help, but hate asking.

Ask if they could spare 1 hour to help you get back on your feet. It’s a manageable amount to time for you to ask for and not feel awkward, and by saying “back on your feet” means it’s not an open ended request.

Thank you, I think this is sensible and I know that definitely 3 of my friends could manage an hour without me feeling bad as they could come on their way to other things (one has to walk the dog - could come with daughter who would walk the dog and help til daughter came back with said dog for example).

it seems so simple when you say it but I wouldn’t have thought it without. Thank you xx

OP posts:

GoodGollyMissDolly · 25/10/2025 21:59

Incomingwinter · 25/10/2025 21:52

I love both your way of sorting mess and your chocolate coin bribery. I will be utilising both of these tomorrow.

thank you so much for these practical ideas, they’re exactly what I needed xx

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I just want to say OP you came across as such a sweet and thoughtful person! It sounds like you’re doing great and have done loads today despite being so poorly - make sure you get a good rest tonight and I hope everything feels calm and back to normal soon. I’m the same as you - an untidy house totally scrambles my brain!

WhitstablePearl · 25/10/2025 21:57

If I were you, I would put together a smallish WhatsApp chat of trusted friends and do a brief post explaining you have been ill, need help, but hate asking.

Ask if they could spare 1 hour to help you get back on your feet. It’s a manageable amount to time for you to ask for and not feel awkward, and by saying “back on your feet” means it’s not an open ended request.

Original poster

Incomingwinter · 25/10/2025 21:52

PassOnThat · 25/10/2025 21:42

I'm sorry things have been so tough, OP. I frequently get overwhelmed with stuff and keeping the house clean, but here's a few things which help me as a basic routine:

In the morning - dishwasher - laundry - bins. The first things I do when I get up always are empty the dishwasher, empty the washing-machine and put the washing up to dry and empty the kitchen and bathroom bins if they're anywhere near being full. This routine is now internalised in my brain, takes less than 10 minutes and makes a huge difference.
Cordless hoover - we bought a cordless hoover recently and it's been a game changer. It's light enough so that my 8yo can hoick it around, so hoovering the hall, stairs, living-room and kitchen are now his jobs. He doesn't do it particularly thoroughly but it's fine for everyday.
Mess - just try to get everything back in the right room as a starting-point. Go through each room with a box and dump anything that doesn't belong in that room in the box. Chuck it all on the kitchen table. Then divide it into "upstairs" and "downstairs" in 2 separate boxes, and focus on getting items back into the right places.
Bribe your kids with chocolate coins to put 10 items back in place. 10 items = 1 chocolate coin.
Get foot mops for the kids that they can wear on their hands and feet and put some disco music on while they dance round and clean the kitchen door and surfaces. Again, it won't be done well, but it's probably going to be good enough and they'll have fun.

I love both your way of sorting mess and your chocolate coin bribery. I will be utilising both of these tomorrow.

thank you so much for these practical ideas, they’re exactly what I needed xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Incomingwinter · 25/10/2025 21:49

AbraKebabraa · 25/10/2025 21:45

Then he’s not fairly good is he?

If he wants you to cope as a single parent (which you aren’t as they’re his children too) he needs to step right up now. Period.
Stop trying to struggle. Put it to him straight and don’t brook retaliation.

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I did use the term ‘fairly’. He has his children 3 nights a week including 2 school nights where he does the school run. He does everything they need on those nights like Beavers, Rainbows, football, drama etc. He attends all of their parents evening appointments, hears them read, instrument learning, helps them learn times tables, spelling etc. I’d class that as fairly good. Cleaning his ex-wife’s house, not so much.

OP posts:

AbraKebabraa · 25/10/2025 21:45

Incomingwinter · 25/10/2025 21:12

I need to decide which is more important, using up my ‘favour’ of him having the kids for a few days which will mean if I do need to work away / visit friends for any reason I’ll have to find alternative childcare as he won’t do multiple ‘favours’ or be on top of the house. I’ve also not been able to work whilst I’ve been ill so money is tight. If we go away, it.ma paid for, if we don’t I still have half term to get through without any activities / money

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Then he’s not fairly good is he?

If he wants you to cope as a single parent (which you aren’t as they’re his children too) he needs to step right up now. Period.
Stop trying to struggle. Put it to him straight and don’t brook retaliation.

PassOnThat · 25/10/2025 21:42

I'm sorry things have been so tough, OP. I frequently get overwhelmed with stuff and keeping the house clean, but here's a few things which help me as a basic routine:

In the morning - dishwasher - laundry - bins. The first things I do when I get up always are empty the dishwasher, empty the washing-machine and put the washing up to dry and empty the kitchen and bathroom bins if they're anywhere near being full. This routine is now internalised in my brain, takes less than 10 minutes and makes a huge difference.
Cordless hoover - we bought a cordless hoover recently and it's been a game changer. It's light enough so that my 8yo can hoick it around, so hoovering the hall, stairs, living-room and kitchen are now his jobs. He doesn't do it particularly thoroughly but it's fine for everyday.
Mess - just try to get everything back in the right room as a starting-point. Go through each room with a box and dump anything that doesn't belong in that room in the box. Chuck it all on the kitchen table. Then divide it into "upstairs" and "downstairs" in 2 separate boxes, and focus on getting items back into the right places.
Bribe your kids with chocolate coins to put 10 items back in place. 10 items = 1 chocolate coin.
Get foot mops for the kids that they can wear on their hands and feet and put some disco music on while they dance round and clean the kitchen door and surfaces. Again, it won't be done well, but it's probably going to be good enough and they'll have fun.

justasking111 · 25/10/2025 21:16

Start a WhatsApp group all your friends. Explain you've been ill, in hospital, everything upside down.

Id be surprised If someone didn't come rushing to your rescue.

Original poster

Incomingwinter · 25/10/2025 21:15

Lavender14 · 25/10/2025 21:11

Aw op it's really hard. Would you have the means to hire a cleaner for a couple of hours during the week to help you get on top of things without wrecking yourself?

I'm a lone parent and sometimes we can really make life harder for ourselves by being determined not to burden anyone. But in reality everyone needs a support network. I'm sure you'd jump to help your friends if they asked so they should return the favour. Ask if they can spend a few extra days at dad's house until you're recovered. How old are your kids? Would they be old enough to help you with some chores?

The kids are great but I feel like all I’ve done for a few days is bag them to help with the house to be point of crying and begging. They will help, they do try but they’re 6 and 8 so there are limits to their abilities.

my wonderful friend who sometimes cleans for me is chockablock so can’t fit me in. I don’t think I could afford normal rates as I’ve not been able to work while I’ve been poorly. I realise I’m coming across as super negative, I really really don’t mean to; thank you all so so much for all of your ideas and helping me to prioritise - one more dishwasher load and the kitchen is sorted! (I mean, filthy inside the oven, cupboards not wiped inside etc but tidy)

OP posts:

Original poster

Incomingwinter · 25/10/2025 21:12

AbraKebabraa · 25/10/2025 21:06

If that’s the case ask him to look after them for as long as you need. Skip the holiday until you’re better.

I need to decide which is more important, using up my ‘favour’ of him having the kids for a few days which will mean if I do need to work away / visit friends for any reason I’ll have to find alternative childcare as he won’t do multiple ‘favours’ or be on top of the house. I’ve also not been able to work whilst I’ve been ill so money is tight. If we go away, it.ma paid for, if we don’t I still have half term to get through without any activities / money

OP posts:

Lavender14 · 25/10/2025 21:11

Aw op it's really hard. Would you have the means to hire a cleaner for a couple of hours during the week to help you get on top of things without wrecking yourself?

I'm a lone parent and sometimes we can really make life harder for ourselves by being determined not to burden anyone. But in reality everyone needs a support network. I'm sure you'd jump to help your friends if they asked so they should return the favour. Ask if they can spend a few extra days at dad's house until you're recovered. How old are your kids? Would they be old enough to help you with some chores?

AbraKebabraa · 25/10/2025 21:06

If that’s the case ask him to look after them for as long as you need. Skip the holiday until you’re better.

Original poster

Incomingwinter · 25/10/2025 21:03

AbraKebabraa · 25/10/2025 20:59

Physically and mentally you’re struggling here so call in your fairly good ex husband.
Explain and ask him to put on washes and leave items to dry on hangers over door frames. Ignore creases. They’re not important.
Similarly ask him to clean the kitchen and overlook your usual standards.
Prioritise to avoid being overwhelmed. 💐
Rest and recovery are your aims. All else can wait.

Hmmm, his fairly good ‘ness’ relates to his kids, there’s no way he would clean and tidy for me, even though that would benefit them. Lovely concept though

OP posts:

Original poster

Incomingwinter · 25/10/2025 21:02

buffyreboot · 25/10/2025 21:00

Kitchen, bathroom, laundry, bins
the rest can wait
and honestly ask for help, I would LOVE to (I often start washing up at my friends and she walks around the house silently bringing me more to do)

Where do you live 😉😉😉

OP posts:

Original poster

Incomingwinter · 25/10/2025 21:02

EatSleepDreamRepeat · 25/10/2025 20:54

Ahh bless you. My life is exactly like you describe your friends. But you have been in hospital. I would find the time. Probably only hoover the downstairs mind lol. But in all seriousness I'd bleach your loo, wipe your surfaces, do your washing up and a couple of loads of laundry. That would be enough to muddle you through wouldn't it?

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I’ve just put the next dishwasher load on and wiped the kitchen surfaces. One more load should clear the backlog. Laundry-wise, I think there are a good 5 loads…

OP posts:

buffyreboot · 25/10/2025 21:00

Kitchen, bathroom, laundry, bins
the rest can wait
and honestly ask for help, I would LOVE to (I often start washing up at my friends and she walks around the house silently bringing me more to do)

AbraKebabraa · 25/10/2025 20:59

Physically and mentally you’re struggling here so call in your fairly good ex husband.
Explain and ask him to put on washes and leave items to dry on hangers over door frames. Ignore creases. They’re not important.
Similarly ask him to clean the kitchen and overlook your usual standards.
Prioritise to avoid being overwhelmed. 💐
Rest and recovery are your aims. All else can wait.