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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a dickhead, friend and her child.

139 replies

amiadickhead · 25/10/2025 20:10

I have a group of friends, all women in their late 20s/early 30s. We maybe meet up about 4 times a year. Sometimes husbands and partners will join if they're around and sometimes not. It is usually around 6 -8 people can make each one, someone throws out a date if you can make it fab if not then you catch the next one, there's usually very little drama, until Lucy.

Two of the couples have one child each, Martin and Angela have a DD we'll call Lucy and John and Linda have a DD we'll call Kate. No one else has children.

For our most recent meets, Martin and Angela have insisted on bringing Lucy, while John will either stay home with Kate or they'll get a babysitter. It's reached a stage where if someone suggests a dinner, Angela will say no it has to be lunch for Lucy and Martin to join. If someone suggests going for a drink on only a days notice, we're told oh that's not child friendly.

Lucy is two, and while her dad / Angela's partner is a nice man he's only in the friend group because he's with Angela, no one has a relationship with him outside of this, some feel he should stay home if they can't get a sitter. Anyway, people are getting annoyed that they are forcing their way all the time and it means plans don't get followed up on because we don't want to hang out with a 2 year old we want grown up time.

They won't take any hints and seem to think the world revolves around their little girl. Is there a way to phrase sorry this occassion is for adults only without being rude?

Am I/the rest of the group unreasonable to not want to spend our limited time together and adult catch ups with Lucy?

I think Kate's parents are most annoyed as they arrange care because because they want an adult night out with mostly child free friends,c if they cant Kate's dad stays home and they feel Lucy's parents should do the same.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Cardinalita90 · 25/10/2025 21:55

The other couple who get a babysitter and then agree to someone else bringing their child anyway need to grow spines and back you on this.

I like the suggestion from a PP of "this place, this time, adults only. Whose in?"

SleeplessIntheOnyxNight · 25/10/2025 21:47

I don’t see anything rude in saying ‘sorry adults only’ and then sticking to that position. It is rude to insist that plans change to accommodate a toddler.

It won’t change unless you change it. It she takes offence then so be it.

I absolutely adore children but I wouldn’t want a toddler hanging out at what is clearly an adult get together.

YourGladSquid · 25/10/2025 21:46

I was the first one in my group to have children (many years ahead) and I honestly find this bonkers?

Both on them for thinking it’s okay to make everyone cater to their child, but also on the whole group for simply not saying “sorry we want a child free night out”. Everyone knows with children around it’s a different atmosphere, even with the most well behaved children. They’re the ones being unreasonable.

FedUpToddlerFTM · 25/10/2025 21:35

In my experience, someone has to be the first one to say "no, we're quite keen on drinks and dinner this time" and the rest of the group will follow.

I wouldn't exclude them too often as you'll be the one with the baby next and you'll be thankful that people will meet you for lunch once in a while too.

There is a bit of give and take with friendships, especially once everyone starts to become parents.

arcticpandas · 25/10/2025 21:22

@amiadickhead I think some people voted Yabu for putting up with their behaviour

snackatack · 25/10/2025 21:21

CatCaretaker · 25/10/2025 20:44

I'm sorry, I think my finger slipped when I voted. YANBU at all but I think I voted YABU!

Show quote history

You can change your vote.. just click on the other one!

I've had to do it a few times - when you think the BU is one thing and it is the other! (I've seen some people change the buttons to the answers.. but have no idea how you do that)

financialcareerstuff · 25/10/2025 21:05

If Lucy is a friend, could whoever is close to her just have a quiet, caring word? People can get lost in themselves and just not realise… give her a chance to get it without hurt and public standoffs?

MyDeftDuck · 25/10/2025 21:05

Be firm and assertive…say we’re booking dinner in at xxxx and meeting up at y o’clock for drink beforehand…..see you there. And end the conversation ……. Don’t debate, don’t compromise.

Praying4Peace · 25/10/2025 21:04

All parents have the right to enjoy child free time

FilthyforFirth · 25/10/2025 20:59

Ugh. Angela and Martin are the worst. I had a friend from uni very similar, she had kids first so was trying to be inclusive. I was third to have them and by the time I was going out without them I was more than happy to say no, I want it child free. If kids are coming I'll skip. It took a while but she got the message and to be fair she missed meet ups more than I did.

Stand up for yourself woman!

Borethefuckoff · 25/10/2025 20:57

Ahh yeah I’d hate this!!
We have friends who have young kids as do we and we either go to each others houses whilst the kids run riot having fun and we get drunk 😂 or we go out without them and get baby sitters. You need to be blunt and say ‘ahh sorry this one’s for the adults, shall we do lunch in a few weeks?’

Inchworms · 25/10/2025 20:52

Yup been here. Got to the point where the person who suggested the outing would be asked to call around pubs to make sure they would accept the pfb, we let it go on waaay too long.

Eventually someone snapped (might have been ‘can you call the pub and ask them if…’ now I think of it) and then we started defining events as adult only or not. They got it - though actually they got it in the sense that they mostly don’t show up unless it’s a family friendly one…

GreenBlorgle · 25/10/2025 20:51

amiadickhead · 25/10/2025 20:38

Harsh but true 😂 I thought I was the only one with an issue for ages so was afraid to go against what I thought was the majority. I hope we can become less wet lettucey in the future.

Show quote history

Take a stand, OP. Only wet lettuces let themselves be socially held hostage by someone else’s toddler. Go axe-throwing next time.

gamerchick · 25/10/2025 20:46

I had friends like this at various points in the past.

Either you say it's adults only, or you suggest going to the bingo. Game, chat, food and beers and the chance to win some coin.

And stick to it.

Lotsofsnacks · 25/10/2025 20:44

Eenameenadeeka · 25/10/2025 20:13

I think people just need to start saying, "Sorry that doesn't work for you guys, but we aren't available to meet for lunch this time. Anyone who is free for dinner, let's meet at xyz" and have some dinners as well as lunches.

This! Who cares what they say, carry on with dinner/drinks plans say sorry you can’t make it this time

Travelfairy · 25/10/2025 20:44

Blessedbethefruitloopss · 25/10/2025 20:30

“X and I (another group member) are going to Y restaurant for dinner. Anyone want to join us?”

This way you are not asking for input into the plans, you are asking whether they want to join you. My friend does this all the time.

This is perfect. Inclusive but also not open for debate on changing day/time/venue

CatCaretaker · 25/10/2025 20:44

amiadickhead · 25/10/2025 20:33

I appreciate all the feedback. I think for the next one I'm just going to have to say 'dinner at x on y date who is available?' and this sounds awful, but maybe prewarn the others so we can be united.

There were a couple of occassions where no one wanted to be the baddie but the rest of us are united now. What I don't understand is Angela has been on two hen parties for a night each since Lucy was born so clearly Martin is competent enough to look after his own child for a few hours.

I would love if the 3 percent who voted AIBU could explain their perspectives?

I'm sorry, I think my finger slipped when I voted. YANBU at all but I think I voted YABU!

No5ChalksRoad · 25/10/2025 20:42

Aimtodobetter · 25/10/2025 20:33

I think whether you are in the right or wrong is whether you want all meet-ups to be without kids - or just occasional ones. It’s not unreasonable for them to ask friends to adjust to a kid friendly set up now they have children as they obviously still want to see their friends. For example, before I had kids I regularly did things with my friends and their kids that was very kid focused as I wanted to spend time with them and be considerate of how hard it is to maintain friendships whilst you have young children. Now I have kids my I sometimes meet my friends with my kids and sometimes organise without them. If you just want a mix of some more adult focused time and some kid friendly time - maybe make 50 percent of the meet ups more explicitly easy for the kids (pub with a playground etc) and 50 percent more adult.

50 percent?? Childfree people are supposed to spend 50 percent of their time together accommodating children?

I’d say once a year, maybe.

Travelfairy · 25/10/2025 20:42

Honest to God, this is mad! I would be doing as others suggested, oh sorry it doesnt suit, see you next time. Having a toddler at an event changes the whole dynamic completely. Everything in parents lives revolve around kids. You want to have that adult time. Not places that have high chairs and chicken nuggets! Fuck that!!!

I would even go ahead and just arrange an evening do with the others and say to them, we want to have a few cocktails. End of. What a pair of knobs 😂

80smonster · 25/10/2025 20:41

Just say ‘Anyone for dinner at x pub at 7:30pm?’. That places it strictly in adult territory. If they protest, be nice but firm ‘no worries guys, you will be missed, we’ll catch you for a kids & adults Sunday lunch soon’.

Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble · 25/10/2025 20:40

Just state adult only dinner. That’s what our friends do. We’ve all got kids and known each other years. It’s either kids can come along or no kids. It’s really not difficult.

Original poster
amiadickhead · 25/10/2025 20:38

GreenBlorgle · 25/10/2025 20:33

Your friend group is like a wet lettuce convention, OP.

I will never understand why so many Mners come on here to complain about other people’s behaviour when they refuse to do anything about it

Harsh but true 😂 I thought I was the only one with an issue for ages so was afraid to go against what I thought was the majority. I hope we can become less wet lettucey in the future.

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 25/10/2025 20:36

just say - oh we will do something child suitable another time

Original poster
amiadickhead · 25/10/2025 20:33

I appreciate all the feedback. I think for the next one I'm just going to have to say 'dinner at x on y date who is available?' and this sounds awful, but maybe prewarn the others so we can be united.

There were a couple of occassions where no one wanted to be the baddie but the rest of us are united now. What I don't understand is Angela has been on two hen parties for a night each since Lucy was born so clearly Martin is competent enough to look after his own child for a few hours.

I would love if the 3 percent who voted AIBU could explain their perspectives?

OP posts:
Aimtodobetter · 25/10/2025 20:33

I think whether you are in the right or wrong is whether you want all meet-ups to be without kids - or just occasional ones. It’s not unreasonable for them to ask friends to adjust to a kid friendly set up now they have children as they obviously still want to see their friends. For example, before I had kids I regularly did things with my friends and their kids that was very kid focused as I wanted to spend time with them and be considerate of how hard it is to maintain friendships whilst you have young children. Now I have kids my I sometimes meet my friends with my kids and sometimes organise without them. If you just want a mix of some more adult focused time and some kid friendly time - maybe make 50 percent of the meet ups more explicitly easy for the kids (pub with a playground etc) and 50 percent more adult.