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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I a dickhead, friend and her child.

139 replies

amiadickhead · 25/10/2025 20:10

I have a group of friends, all women in their late 20s/early 30s. We maybe meet up about 4 times a year. Sometimes husbands and partners will join if they're around and sometimes not. It is usually around 6 -8 people can make each one, someone throws out a date if you can make it fab if not then you catch the next one, there's usually very little drama, until Lucy.

Two of the couples have one child each, Martin and Angela have a DD we'll call Lucy and John and Linda have a DD we'll call Kate. No one else has children.

For our most recent meets, Martin and Angela have insisted on bringing Lucy, while John will either stay home with Kate or they'll get a babysitter. It's reached a stage where if someone suggests a dinner, Angela will say no it has to be lunch for Lucy and Martin to join. If someone suggests going for a drink on only a days notice, we're told oh that's not child friendly.

Lucy is two, and while her dad / Angela's partner is a nice man he's only in the friend group because he's with Angela, no one has a relationship with him outside of this, some feel he should stay home if they can't get a sitter. Anyway, people are getting annoyed that they are forcing their way all the time and it means plans don't get followed up on because we don't want to hang out with a 2 year old we want grown up time.

They won't take any hints and seem to think the world revolves around their little girl. Is there a way to phrase sorry this occassion is for adults only without being rude?

Am I/the rest of the group unreasonable to not want to spend our limited time together and adult catch ups with Lucy?

I think Kate's parents are most annoyed as they arrange care because because they want an adult night out with mostly child free friends,c if they cant Kate's dad stays home and they feel Lucy's parents should do the same.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Jk987 · 26/10/2025 08:18

I’m amused at your 1980’s choice of names😄

Aside from that, I agree with others - go on a night out regardless of whether the others can come. As the kids get older the parents will be able to join in more.

nosleepforme · 26/10/2025 08:06

So what’s the question? Just go out without her. No need to only go out when she “lets”.

Fundays12 · 26/10/2025 08:01

As a mum of 3 i wouldn't like this. A toddler or child changes the whole dynamic into something much less relaxed. Push back and put boundaries in place. For example we are meeting on x day at x time (make sure its after 7.30 pm) and ideally at a very adult venue if anyone else wants to come.

Angela sounds like one of these annoying parents that expects everybody else to be as enthralled with her dd as she is. I wonder if shs is struggling to make mum friend's. Your meetings are not a toddler group they are an adults only night out and if Angela doesn't like it tough. Some parents are ridiculous and expect there kids to be invited to everything. A family member of mine took the huff that we didn't invite her kids to our wedding. The wedding was tiny and we had no kids at the time and didnt want them there. As a mum of 3 now I still feel it was my wedding day and my decision and the family member was being spoilt. We no longer speak.

NoSoupForU · 26/10/2025 07:46

Aimtodobetter · 25/10/2025 20:33

I think whether you are in the right or wrong is whether you want all meet-ups to be without kids - or just occasional ones. It’s not unreasonable for them to ask friends to adjust to a kid friendly set up now they have children as they obviously still want to see their friends. For example, before I had kids I regularly did things with my friends and their kids that was very kid focused as I wanted to spend time with them and be considerate of how hard it is to maintain friendships whilst you have young children. Now I have kids my I sometimes meet my friends with my kids and sometimes organise without them. If you just want a mix of some more adult focused time and some kid friendly time - maybe make 50 percent of the meet ups more explicitly easy for the kids (pub with a playground etc) and 50 percent more adult.

50% of meet ups to be kiddie things because 1 person out of 8 wants to bring their kid? Are you mental???

NoSoupForU · 26/10/2025 07:43

You just say sorry you can't make this one, hopefully see you next time! Then you carry on with your plans.

We have one in our group like your friend, but one of my friends is very quick to nip it in the bud, albeit in a nice diplomatic way.

user793847984375948 · 26/10/2025 07:43

That's not child-friendly

What alcohol? lol certainly not. You coming or what? Cheers!

Original poster
amiadickhead · 26/10/2025 07:41

To answer some questions, Martin doesn't seem the controlling type, though he doesn't seem to have a friendship circle of his own - he moved here to be with Angela and hasn't really forged his own path. He has certainly had no problem staying with Lucy while Angela attended hen parties. He is a very pleasant man and I like him but someone hit the nail on the head when they said it's no odds to any of us if he's there or not.

And I like Angela fine, but I have no interest in only meeting my group of friends with a toddler in tow.

OP posts:
U53rName · 26/10/2025 07:40

To be honest, I’m surprised by the number of posters who keep referring to fathers parenting their own children as “babysitting” in 2025.

TwistedWonder · 26/10/2025 07:18

GreenBlorgle · 25/10/2025 20:33

Your friend group is like a wet lettuce convention, OP.

I will never understand why so many Mners come on here to complain about other people’s behaviour when they refuse to do anything about it

I agree. It’s not hard to say ‘sorry it’s a nice adult meet up’

ConcordeSkyHigh · 26/10/2025 07:15

So at some point you may all have children, and the hubbies / partners may stay home to babysit while you have a girls night out if the kids are really little.

I have a friend group like this (I'm childless), it's a bit easier as one of them is super organised and just leads on arranging, but essentially we tend to do girl nights out and then in the summer we have a daytime meetup where partners come along too. All of the events are childfree. The one who organises is a single mum with no family nearby she always manages to sort some kind of childcare.

She tends to post, how about this event, who wants to come, with a little whatsapp poll, tends to limit any debate!

Maybe you will evolve to decide that you do want a meetup that includes kids but for now press ahead with keeping them as childfree events.

The only thing I can think is that your friend doesn't want the partner to feel excluded, but maybe he needs to make more effort with the other husbands.

Or maybe she doesn't want to leave the child at this age with him, but in that case she's not being held back from meeting up with other friends during the daytimes.

ForCraftyWriter · 26/10/2025 06:47

I don’t know why you or anyone thinks you need to apologise for an adults only norm. Don’t say we were thinking of maybe making it be adults only this time. That is very wet lettuce like pp said.

Rosscameasdoody · 26/10/2025 06:43

FedUpToddlerFTM · 25/10/2025 23:05

OK but my point is parents of babies/small children find it difficult to meet in the evenings. So if you care about the friendship, you'd agree to meet them for lunch once in a while, as well as keeping with your dinner plans.

Show quote history

But Angela has ready made child care - Martin. He’s a plus one and doesn’t need to be there. My initial thought was that he’s a bit controlling to be honest, if he’s there at every single get together. I agree that every once in a while there could be something more family orientated, given that Linda has a DD, but the rest of the group are child free so it should be up to Angela/Linda to suggest and arrange, not to pass on the task of ensuring child friendly venues for whoever else is arranging.

MikeRafone · 26/10/2025 06:32

Just start another WhatsApp group for making arrangements for adult meet ups, only add people that want adult meet ups and crack on

YellowGuido · 26/10/2025 05:57

Is there any hint that Martin objects to Angela going out of an evening by herself / without Lucy? Seems a really weird and extreme dynamic…

Rosscameasdoody · 26/10/2025 05:14

Angela lost me at asking someone else to call round the pubs to see if they’re child friendly - does having children somehow stop her from using a phone ?

OP l think a poster upthread was right. There’s no need for blunt or hurtful tactics. If Angela is a friend then you, or anyone else in the group can take her aside and tell her how you all feel, and that she can’t expect you all to continue to arrange your socials around her child. Point out that Linda has a child and always arranges childcare and it’s time she does the same if she wants to continue to be part of the group.

You could also maybe suggest that if she wants to arrange a family orientated get together from time to time to accommodate Linda’s DD too, that would be OK, but make the point that you all want this to be mostly adult time together. Being a parent changes your perspective and l think she’s just lost sight of the fact that she’s not just a mum, but a person in her own right.

the alternative yo this is leaving Angela out of the group activities - someone upthread has already suggested setting up another group without her. I think you owe it to her to try to tackle the issue honestly first before risking a blow up if she finds out she’s being bypassed.

ItsNotMeEither · 26/10/2025 03:08

Every friend group chat has sub group chats. Talk to the person you are closest to and arrange a dinner catch up that really suits you both. Then, post this message in the main group chat.

Hi friends x, y and z,

I know it’s late notice and might not suit everyone, but let’s catch up this Friday, 7pm at XXX.

As soon as this is posted, the other friends needs to reply immediately that this sounds wonderful.

After that, any complaints from others are met with a cheery, sorry, I knew this might not suit everyone, but happy to catch up with anyone who can make it/find a babysitter on short notice.

Icybird3 · 26/10/2025 02:09

Friendship goes through fazes ,very few people keep the same friends their whole life .
It's is certainly possible your friendship with Lucy's parents has run it course
She wants to be able to bring Lucy to everything,the rest of you want adult time .that's quite opposing views and expectations.
I've 4 DC myself...and find it massively irritating when I've arranged to meet a friend and she brings her child ..I'm left sitting like a spare part while she entertains her child and there's little conversation that doesn't centre the child .
The friendship just fizzles, because I've only got limited free time ,and when I've managed to leave my kids at home ,I don't want to be forced to entertain someone' else's kid

notthisagain2025 · 26/10/2025 01:24

Send a group message that says girls night out planned, this is the venue, this is the time, hope you can make it, if not we'll catch you next time. There's nothing remotely awful about this and I don't see why you think otherwise.

There is no social requirement of any kind, ever, to accommodate other people's children in adult friendship groups. It's always entirely optional.

pinkdelight · 26/10/2025 00:43

Nip this in the bud before it turns into that mad situation on a previous thread where some mum ignored all her friends’ entreaties and brought her kid along to a hen do. Mind you, that was a brilliant thread! These people have no shame so you’ll get nowhere with hints. Be really clear this is for the actual friend group not her husband and dd. If she’s incapable of doing anything without them, that’s on her.

Purplerubberducky · 26/10/2025 00:40

I would start specifying when get togethers are adults only. I have kids and have no problem telling other people when I don’t want theirs around me lol. Your friend is the dick. Not you.

No5ChalksRoad · 26/10/2025 00:13

InTheFiveRiverValley · 25/10/2025 23:51

Perhaps a few meetups could be the original friendship group, in the evening, without partners - no excuse for bringing the toddler then, and partners change the dynamics too, as the original group was just women and the only men who attended are there as +1s.

why should other adults miss out because of pandering to the entitled parents? Smh

VivX · 26/10/2025 00:07

I would just simply be asking Angela and Martin, "Can you get a sitter or perhaps Martin could babysit?"

InTheFiveRiverValley · 25/10/2025 23:51

Perhaps a few meetups could be the original friendship group, in the evening, without partners - no excuse for bringing the toddler then, and partners change the dynamics too, as the original group was just women and the only men who attended are there as +1s.

Homegrownberries · 25/10/2025 23:50

I think you need to say adult only when initially suggesting a plan eg 'adults dinner and drinks at x on y date who is available?'. Nobody wants to have dinner with a two year old!

TheDenimPoet · 25/10/2025 23:37

I had a friend who used to do this as well, it is so annoying, changes the dynamic, and it really annoyed me to have to censor what I said to make it child friendly. Not that I'm a potty mouth or anything, but there's so much that adult women talk about that's not child friendly.

Just say sorry but you need an adult night. It's as simple as that.