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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner just sits there !

31 replies

motmilk7 · 25/10/2025 14:25

AIBU ?
my little boy aged 2 can be quite naughty, he hasn’t been diagnosed but health visitor is sure he has autism and ADHD ( not excusing him ) but don’t want to drip feed !
i was breastfeeding his baby sister ( 4 months ) and he’s pretended he’s going to kiss her and then bit her hard, so I’m trying to calm baby down whilst trying to stop him getting to her again and partner ( dad of both of them ) sits there eating his lunch, doing nothing to help ! Then when I said thanks for the help he’s gone all offended and basically whinging it’s taken him 4 attempts to make his lunch - I said yes that is how it is for me most days to which he said “ good “

he doesn’t think ds has these concerns he just thinks he’s naughty and we should MAKE him behave, ds shows signs of not understanding things a 2 year old should is is behind at the moment.

OP posts:
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fishtank12345 · 26/10/2025 23:29

motmilk7 · 26/10/2025 10:10

@fishtank12345 I think he could quite possibly be ! He’s very awkward in many different ways! He gets very offended when I said ds is showing traits of autism and adhd ! How dare I suggest it if you know what I mean! His family are very narcissistic ! Xx

His family might be autistic too.

Thundertoast · 26/10/2025 12:45

If you have an 8 year old together, is this behaviour new since your 2nd and 3rd came along? Had he changed jobs, did he want the 2nd and 3rd? Just trying to figure out if he's already been crap or this is new behaviour.

RosesAndHellebores · 26/10/2025 12:35

RhaenysRocks · 26/10/2025 10:40

Right, because everyone can just "pay" 🙄

Show quote history

No, because sometimes you have to and you have to find it.

MO0N · 26/10/2025 12:27

user793847984375948 · 26/10/2025 12:18

If you lived separately he'd have to step up and you'd have an absolute load taken off.

He'd make sure he did a terrible job and put the children at risk in order to punish his partner for leaving him.

MO0N · 26/10/2025 12:26

He doesn't want to be seen as a person who is capable of effective parenting because he doesn't want to spend his time doing menial & unpaid tasks which ought to be done by subordinates such as his wife and women in general.
In other words it's strategic incompetence designed to make his life easier and give him more free time to do the things that he enjoys doing, indulging himself etc.

user793847984375948 · 26/10/2025 12:21

motmilk7 · 26/10/2025 10:11

@TheTwitcher11he says he’d happily have the kids if I had a hobby however I can’t trust him to keep all 3 safe ! Whenever I’ve asked him he’s either left dd on the sofa ( at the age of rolling ) whilst he goes and makes lunch. For tomorrow luckily I heard him in the kitchen and came straight back down and today he wants to put dd on dd high bed ! I wouldn’t enjoy myself x

Well this is all concerning. So you can't leave because court won't care about what you've said and he'd get unsupervised contact. You'd be in bits.

Check out emotionally. Get all your ducks in a row to leave when the kids are older. Siphon cash into a savings account for you. Plan new living arrangements, and leave when you can.

HIs disdain for you will not reverse but will only get worse. You will survive it if you emotionally check out.

user793847984375948 · 26/10/2025 12:18

If you lived separately he'd have to step up and you'd have an absolute load taken off.

RosesAndHellebores · 26/10/2025 11:37

RhaenysRocks · 26/10/2025 10:40

Right, because everyone can just "pay" 🙄

Show quote history

No, because sometimes you have to and you have to find it.

thisishowloween · 26/10/2025 10:49

Please stop having children with this useless man.

RhaenysRocks · 26/10/2025 10:40

RosesAndHellebores · 26/10/2025 10:13

To be honest @motmilk7 health visitors are not experts. Go to the GP and request a specialist referral. If the GP says no, pay.

Right, because everyone can just "pay" 🙄

x2boys · 26/10/2025 10:14

motmilk7 · 26/10/2025 10:08

@x2boysyes and no, she said she’s sure he has traits of both but wasn’t high enough score to refer him so she’s booked him in for another assessment in 6 months time, this was 3 months ago and he’s a lot more naughty etc since if I tell him off or tell him now he just laughs ( very cute and cheeky but so naughty ) xx

The health visitor has no business saying that ,they are not qualified to diagnose ,if she believes there are traits she's doing your son a disservice not referring him paticularly if he has some delays.

RosesAndHellebores · 26/10/2025 10:13

To be honest @motmilk7 health visitors are not experts. Go to the GP and request a specialist referral. If the GP says no, pay.

Original poster
motmilk7 · 26/10/2025 10:13

@FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscarno point or need for them he’s not come near me in about a year !
when I had my first baby week before I had her he asked me if my body would go back to how it was before I was pregnant ( I had a huge huge but oh lovely baby bump which I was very proud of ) but I’ve never been body confident since with him so I don’t make any move x

OP posts:
Original poster
motmilk7 · 26/10/2025 10:11

@TheTwitcher11he says he’d happily have the kids if I had a hobby however I can’t trust him to keep all 3 safe ! Whenever I’ve asked him he’s either left dd on the sofa ( at the age of rolling ) whilst he goes and makes lunch. For tomorrow luckily I heard him in the kitchen and came straight back down and today he wants to put dd on dd high bed ! I wouldn’t enjoy myself x

OP posts:
Original poster
motmilk7 · 26/10/2025 10:10

@fishtank12345 I think he could quite possibly be ! He’s very awkward in many different ways! He gets very offended when I said ds is showing traits of autism and adhd ! How dare I suggest it if you know what I mean! His family are very narcissistic ! Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
motmilk7 · 26/10/2025 10:08

@x2boysyes and no, she said she’s sure he has traits of both but wasn’t high enough score to refer him so she’s booked him in for another assessment in 6 months time, this was 3 months ago and he’s a lot more naughty etc since if I tell him off or tell him now he just laughs ( very cute and cheeky but so naughty ) xx

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 26/10/2025 10:04

Buy condoms.

fishtank12345 · 26/10/2025 10:00

motmilk7 · 26/10/2025 09:52

So after me and partner had a chat last night about it all! He’s offered to tidy dd room with her (she’s 8 ) and that he’d take the youngest baby with him and she can lay on dd bed ( high cabin bed ) she’s 4 months and can roll 🙄 ffs I really give up!

I always used to wonder why my dh would act like a grumpy/ defensive 5 year old when I had to say stuff to him... its because he is neurodiverse. Lovely guy apart from not being very good at life admin and other things in the executive functioning department, yes its been a difficult time since we had kids, that's when it became noticeable.

TheTwitcher11 · 26/10/2025 09:59

NoUserNameNeeded · 25/10/2025 14:49

Instead of being sarcastic why not offer advice on what he can do to help in these situations. Perhaps your son is jeaslous of the baby and the attention, perhaps you partner and son and eat together or do something just the two of them when your occupied with the baby.

Announce that you now have a hobby and dedicate time to it each week (if breast feeding allows)

TheTwitcher11 · 26/10/2025 09:58

motmilk7 · 25/10/2025 14:25

AIBU ?
my little boy aged 2 can be quite naughty, he hasn’t been diagnosed but health visitor is sure he has autism and ADHD ( not excusing him ) but don’t want to drip feed !
i was breastfeeding his baby sister ( 4 months ) and he’s pretended he’s going to kiss her and then bit her hard, so I’m trying to calm baby down whilst trying to stop him getting to her again and partner ( dad of both of them ) sits there eating his lunch, doing nothing to help ! Then when I said thanks for the help he’s gone all offended and basically whinging it’s taken him 4 attempts to make his lunch - I said yes that is how it is for me most days to which he said “ good “

he doesn’t think ds has these concerns he just thinks he’s naughty and we should MAKE him behave, ds shows signs of not understanding things a 2 year old should is is behind at the moment.

Your partner has a cheek re ‘just making’ your son behave when he doesn’t even attempt to discipline him after biting his sibling

fishtank12345 · 26/10/2025 09:57

is your partner on the spectrum? After my 2 kids were diagnosed we realised dh is, and I had thought he was just quiet and shy... Its come from his side as his whole family have some issues going on and they said its comes from their side, I have no relationship with my in laws and now I understand why... They were not just mean... neurodiverse, but they can not hold a decent conversation (sorry that is a whole other issue but just wanted you to be aware of this)

x2boys · 26/10/2025 09:56

Has your health visitor made referrals to the appropriate agencies that can actually diagnose autism?
( ADHD will be from 6)
Portage, community paediatrician etc?

Original poster
motmilk7 · 26/10/2025 09:52

So after me and partner had a chat last night about it all! He’s offered to tidy dd room with her (she’s 8 ) and that he’d take the youngest baby with him and she can lay on dd bed ( high cabin bed ) she’s 4 months and can roll 🙄 ffs I really give up!

OP posts:
VoltaireMittyDream · 25/10/2025 14:58

I’ve got one like this, as well - if nobody has expressly told him something is also his responsibility, and exactly what he is expected to do in a given situation, he’ll completely ignore it.

Similarly, he has quite a rigid view that only one person can be ‘in charge’ at a time, and if he’s eating lunch then he’s not in charge, and 100% focussed on his lunch, and whatever’s going on right next to him is not his problem and might as well not exist.

He’s autistic by the way. It all made sense once DC was diagnosed.

ShenandoahRiver · 25/10/2025 14:58

Just don’t have another child.
Are you working?
Do you have access to money?