To be sad over absent grandparents?

I hope your friend went ahead and did the trip to NZ anyway! I think the younger generation forget that with us old-uns, a lot of us got married and had children young and never had the chance to do the things that younger people do today, such as travel, so we want to make up for it in retirement while we are still fit enough. I'm very, very lucky with my daughter, I see my grandchildren once a week (I'm still working) and am always willing to babysit whenever needed but she tells me that I've had four kids and this is my time now. Which makes me all the more willing to help out 😀

I understand she has her own life and job

Is she working full time? You really don't seem to understand.Your parents are working. Why do you expect your mom to drop by and visit and take your kids out but not just your dad? That's rather sexist.

Did the grandparent you stayed with on Fridays or who took you out work a full time job?

I think you expecting your mother to take your kids off your hands is unrealistic. Earlier generations didn't work or worked part time and the jobs weren't quite as draining as they are now. She's also possibly in peri or full menopause and aging. She's also raised her kids. Just because she got help from her parents doesn't mean you're entitled to her time and effort to take your kids off you for a while.

You could ask her why.

We actually lived with our GPs and dad in the 70’s when it was highly unusual for dads to get custody of their kids, and that was in part due to the support he got from my GP.
I can’t wait to be a nana, my son and girlfriend live close by and her own mum doesn’t seem that interested in her , so doubt she will be a doting grandparent. I have a demanding job and will be working a while yet, so won’t be able to provide regular childcare but will definitely support in other ways like baby sitting and days out.

Your parents got loads of help when you were growing up, and now are very uninvolved grandparents themselves?

I think there is a link.
They were never interested in children at all.

It's hurtful, but you can't change them.
Live your life, don't waste it bitter.
Your parents are just the type to want help down the road.
You can choose how involved you want to be at that time.
Certainly never push your children to visit when they are teens if they have no relationship now.

My friends sister in law tried to do this to her teens when her parents decided they would like more visits when life slowed down for them in their 70's.
They live an hour away from her and have always lived their own lives.
She is a bit of a people pleaser and put pressure on her two teens to start visiting on Sundays.

One got very very angry and told her to fxxk off out of her life telling her what to do on her weekends. She didn't want to visit her grandparents that she wasn't close to and was sick of it every two weeks.
She hugely over reacted, but refused completely to apologise to her mother for how she spoke to her. She refused to look at or talk to her mother for 2 weeks, despite her father trying hard to intervene and mediate.

Clearly other shit going on and they are now in family therapy. But her mothers need to be a people pleaser has been an issue.

It is what it is, and children can manage perfectly well without grandparents.
My oh travelled around alot as a child as father was in the forces. Hardly saw grandparents and cant remember them very well.

It really dosent matter.

Do you ever pop round to your mums on your own, OP? Does she live alone?

When my children were very young, I would sometimes visit my mum with my children but sometimes I’d go round on my own. We still had days out, just the 2 of us (without the kids). If she needed something doing at home, I’d go round alone and help. My mum was also still working part time and my dad had died so she needed family support, too.

I’m just wondering if your mum might feel that she’d like to see you on your own sometimes? My mum would babysit for us but we didn’t ask very often.

May be your mother just didn't like kids full stop. You have to put up with your own kids but no responsibility to have anything to do with other people's

Times have changed, I would spend time and stay with my paternal grandparents but my grandmother never worked and only had 4 grandchildren to take turns with.
Due to step children/blended families we now have 15 grandchildren plus we are still working full time - hands on childcare/ days out are impossible.
sometimes I think its sad and I would like more involvement but it is what it is

I hear you. You can’t force it and once your DC hit about 12/13 they won’t want to be in GP’s company. It’s a shame. Yesterday my friends elderly mum took her girls swimming, goes on slides and in the pool, my boys will never experience that, Grand Parents uninterested - both sides. My grandparents were wonderful- I loved staying with them as a child.

Can you suggest to your mum coming for a film night with your DC’s?

I think people should just play the hand their dealt and not worry about what others do.

We were older parents which meant that GP involvement is minimal at best. One was already dead before DS arrived and the youngest of the remaining ones was 76 when DS was born so the reality is they’re not going to be able to have the same sort of involvement as GP who are in the 50’s for example. It is also likely that they won’t be around for all of DS’s childhood anyway.

As a result DH and I are pretty much 100% self sufficient. There certainly is no care giving from GP.

We knew this would be the case so made sure we were in a position to be able to live well with no help before we had DS.

I would love my kids to have someone to call grandparents. I had a close relationship with my grandmother tell she passed last year. My parents passed when I was little. My Inlaws are not interested. They live abroad and they’ve never met due to lots of logistics involved. However, they don’t make efforts with phone communication. I got a congratulatory text message from fil when I gave birth to my second two years ago! They’ve probably seen my 6years old on video call less than 10times since he was born. They are active phone users posting stuffs online always. It saddens me but there is nothing I can do to change it.

Ours dont ‘help out’, they love and adore our kids and we see them as a family and include them in family activities. They are a huge part of our life, without doing childcare or school pick ups. We run the day today between us (both work) and enjoy spending our free time with them (not every week obviously, but every month).

You can be a brilliant grandparent and not be doing the day to day things. Do you include the grandparents in family activities? Im confused as to what relationship OP has with the grandparents before expecting them to ‘help out’?

I’d also add alot of grandparents will be stressed out these days having to work well into their 60’s and also help with the childcare but will do it out of necessity. My colleague does and she is running between two jobs and childcare. Im glad our parents can see the grandchildren on a relaxed, fun, happy basis. No pressure or stress or ‘parenting’ expected from them.

I think we live in different times to how it was when we were young.
my parents both still work for example and they’re actually very still quite young to be grandparents (they were young parents).
when I was young my grandmother worked part time and my granda worked away… she had time on her hands to have 1 or 5 of her grandchildren, my parents just don’t!

we visit my parents weekly and that’s that. Of course there are sleepovers now and again!

husbands side, parents are much much older (ages with my grandparents) and just not fit enough to have the grandchildren other than a visit!

I just think times have changed

My parents never did general babysitting and had no real interest in my 4dc when they were very young. Once they got a bit older eg 8 or 9 they did take them away for a week every year and would also have them over to do baking etc. They all have a very close relationship with them now (dc aged 17 to 34). They were relatively young when my oldest two were born (late 40s) so were busy with work and their lives.
I now have gc but unfortunately don't live very close to them and I also have to work to pay the bills though I'm 60. My eldest 2 dd know I would drop everything if they needed me.

Didn’t read all the replies but just said the same. Nothing in the information at the start says what they actually do with the grandparents for enjoyment. Do they see them for fun, days out etc or is it just the expectation to ‘have the kids’?

My parents cannot get enough of my kids. They are here all the time, take them both whenever they can and love giving us child free time so they can spoil them with attention. But my parents are also not British and come from a culture where there’s no question about it - grandparents are very involved in their grandchildren’s lives. They retired early and moved closer to us just to be able to be there.

My PIL are British and have seen my second child a total of twice in her whole life, for a total of about 2 cumulative hours. The older one they see maybe once a year for a few hours. Neither of them work, they only live 30 mins away but have the “I’m done raising my children” attitude. I really wish they’d be more involved but my MIL in particular says she doesn’t like driving. I respect their position and don’t ask for more but it does make me sad for my kids, who adore them and talk about them a lot because we make sure to talk about them a lot.

Like a pp said you get what you’re given and have to be grateful. I’m making a point of remembering what this is like as a young parent so that I can be a good grandparent to my kids and grand kids.

We adore both sets of our parents but we dont ask them to do anything for us, we include them in our life. We have weekend days out just as our family of 4 and weekend days out with the grandparents (walks, pub lunches, park trips, cinema etc etc). Probably see them every 3-4 weeks. Obviously more in the school holidays when we have annual leave. I would take that anyday over just handing them over to them. It works well for our family and everyone is different. Only very occasional babysitting/sleepovers. Our parents have busy lives, we have busy lives so we prefer our time with them as a whole family.

I know of friends who have the grandparents do the school run every day, childcare etc but often it is out of necessity aswell otherwise the parents would struggle with work hours. Dont compare yourself to others, do what suits your family best.

I can’t read all the replies but do you do lots together with the grandparents? Include them in activities? Weekend walks, days out etc? If you do that, perhaps can build from there on the having them but if you’re not including them in life, you can’t expect them to suddenly have them - not making a judgement there, just asking if that is the situation.

I feel the same way. Neither my parents or inlaws are interested. Funny as I remember always being with my grandparents and so does my DH 🤣

My kids are tweens/ teens now but in the same situation - they hardly see grandparents on either side. I’ve just accepted now that they aren’t interested, and just hope it will be different if my children decide to have families as I would love to remain close, go on holidays together sometimes etc. I can count on one hand how many times we’ve asked for babysitting (my husband’s side have never babysat for us) and they don’t need that now anyway, and after years of being the only ones to ever invite them over / for a day out etc I took the hint!!!

this is also my situation. In my own parents case, I was an older mum, as was she, so nearly 70 when I had my son. Combine that with her having MS and really my role has very much been about caring for her. They love my son, but we’re not able to spend time with him without me present. Makes me sad that my son (now 12) isn’t especially close to them, but it is what it is.

with my inlaws, they are younger than my parents, but chose not to be involved. I think they have bothered to meet our son once. It’s their loss and certainly not my son’s loss. They are the same with their other grandchildren. My BIL blames his stepfather, but frankly they are as bad as each other.

it is what it is, so don’t waste time being sad or disappointed about it.

Do you invite them over for dinner or fir days out with the kids? or is it just expectation for babysitting? my own mother has bad health she not able to babbysit for long periods so will only do the odd pick up and mind before hone from work or if need hair done etc. however organise days out and invite her like to the zoo or panto. or if doing a roast on a Sunday they are invited over

I long to be a gp but I don’t think my dils will let me see the children much when they have them as they are both very much involved in their own dm lives. So although I’d happily provide childcare or overnight stays I don’t think I’ll get the opportunity and I feel sad about that. Shame there’s not a way of matching families with wanna be gp.

I don't think I did say I wanted her to have them? They are 19 and 15 now and I worked my socks of to make it work without any family support.
It would have been nice if she wasn't 'her' and actually wanted to spend time with her grandchildren though.

Your mother was clearly a person who didn't like children, that's why she got your grandparents to look after you as often as she could.
Why would you even want your mother to look after your children given that she doesn't like children and isn't likely to be nice to them?

My mother had no interest in my kids, we did the weekly duty visit (always had to go to her house) and that was it.
My Auntie told me years ago that when I told my mother I was pregnant she apparently said 'I hope she doesn't think I will be looking after it' and she never did.
The irony is my grandmother on my dad's side had us every day of every school holiday, plenty of weekends and covered any emergency childcare.
I simply do not understunderstand how my mother had so much support and then made the decision that she was simply done with kids and wouldn't have mine at all for any reason 🤷‍♀️
If I ever have grandchildren I definitely plan to do as much as I can with them, even if it's just one overnight a month so their parents can go out and have a full night's sleep, my mother taught me how not to be a grandmother!