To be sad over absent grandparents?

I'm a granny but don't have any real involvement in the DGC lives, their mother thinks only her side is family, the childrens father has been pushed out and as a result so were we. I refused to be involved in her arguments with her ex, my son, so she punishes her children by excluding us. She thinks its punishing us. I only hope as they get older they realise what a manipulative individual she is.

All this..its sad isn't it. But 16 years later I can confirm you can't change them..or influence this situation much ..so draw your boundaries and dont spend lots of time chasing this relationship as I did.. as it is just a waste of energy. People always want to convince you that you are wrong, the relationship is fine and your expectations are too high...but unless you are in this situation you just don't get it.

But she's getting to spend time with the granddaughter on day trips etc. why does it have to be childcare to be considered involved with grandchildren

I feel the same OP. What galls me is that occasionally I get mil, fil and bil moaning they don't have a bond. But fil moved 300 miles away and is too busy every time we offer to drive up. Mil emigrated to Asia and is "too busy" on the rare occasions she comes back. Bil lives abroad and never tells us whrn is back home. Yet they have all moaned at some point.

My kids are older now and that boat has sailed. Dd is 11 and we have decided its not fair to introduce her to fil after only meeting him once aged 3. Which is easy as he will supposedly cry to sil and bil that he never sees her ( but he doesn't mention her brothers) but is also too busy / it's too cold etc when we offer dates.

It's not about work as they are retired. It's priorities.

I am sorry you are going through this.

People and families always have the right to choose what is the best for themselves.

This topic comes up so frequently on here and replies are always the same, except for one thread I recently saw where someone said that it’s only recently women are waking up to the reality that having children is a choice and they don’t have to have them if they don’t want any.

A lot of our parents and grandparents had children because it was the done thing. So you’ll find so many women out there who deep down didn’t want kids but had them anyway. They fulfilled their mother role and that’s it, now that they’re grandmothers they are not interested.

We have zero help and I find it so sad. My PIL visit once every 3 or 4 months. They are retired and look after another grandchild 3 days a week so they do have an interest in some of their grandkids. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re a couple of hours away and it’s more effort but it definitely stings. I asked them to take care of my children (just to keep an eye on them if I was distracted) on the day of my DM funeral and they told me they couldn’t attend because they were visiting one of their other children for the day. I won’t be asking again that’s for certain!

That’s because your parents didn’t want to look after you more than they had to, same as your DH’s parents. So why would they suddenly want to look after children when they’re older if they didn’t when they were Younger?

Some of these responses are a bit harsh I think but I would also say that there is no right amount of involved. It sounds like you really want to rely on them for childcare and that is a measuring stick for involvement, but do you go out as a family together? E.g. do you invite them for a meal out, for brunch, a dog walk etc. I will be honest, I don't really understand people who expect childcare but aren't a family with grandparents. Have you talked to them about how they feel, what they see their role as?

You say she doesn't pop round, but when she sees your kids does she interact, treat them kindly, buy them birthday & christmas presents, is she interested in them as people? What is your relationship with your mother/ILs like? I do think this can determine the relationship of grandchildren with their grandparents. If you don't speak to them much/don't have much of a relationship with them, I can understand lack of involvement as they just aren't involved in your life much at all.

Either way it's okay to feel rubbish about it, especially if you imagined things being differently. Your expectations aren't unreasonable but having expectations without looking at the reality of the relationships and trying your best to foster this from the start as well as having conversations with them about it, you've accidentally set yourself up to be unhappy.

I’m in a similar situation and I think it’s quite common sadly.

Ex-husband’s parents live abroad (where he is from), so fair enough as we’re not in the same country it’s difficult for them. They do keep in touch and used to visit but are quite elderly so it’s not easy for them.

My dad passed away a long time ago, and my mum just isn’t interested. She lives a 10 minute drive away, but very very rarely offers any babysitting (daughter is 10). Often I get offered 2-3 hours per week of summer holiday, to fit in around her schedule of course 🤦‍♀️

the rest of the year she just doesn’t bother. If I ask, she acts as though it’s a huge thing to ask and then just says she can’t because she’s going out with her friends/ walking the dog/ taking part in a hobby. Not saying she shouldn’t see her friends or have hobbies, but for someone who doesn’t work and never really has, you would think she would have DD at least one full day a week in the summer.

I’ve given up to be honest. Interestingly, whenever we invite her on a day trip or a holiday, she’s miraculously able to reschedule her commitments, she’s only busy if I want help. I’ve stopped inviting her now as I’m sick of her coming along when it suits her but not being interested in helping me out or having a relationship with her granddaughter separate from me.

I do feel sad for DD as she has no active grandparents at all, due to a combination of circumstances and my mother’s choice not to be involved.

May sound harsh I know but in 10-15 years when she starts to have to slow down and need some help, I won’t be tripping over myself to help her. She watches me struggle with childcare now and just sits back and enjoys her life of leisure. Would much prefer if it wasn’t like this.

My MIL has my two and my nephew every Sunday without fail. My dad hasn’t seen my kids since February.

To be fair. Some people jast love kids and spending time with them and I don't believe that changes just because you have grandchildren. It's sort of a pot luck really. Coupled with that as the population is having kids later, grandparents tend to be the older and many are still working so may not have r the headspace to. be super involved grandparents .

Its sad yours are not interested - they are missing out on so much!

Our children are similar age/older to what you posted (12/13) and still really enjoy being with the grandparents. Yes its not farm parks or little kid stuff with them these days, but we do roasts, bbq’s, walks, pub lunches, cinema and pizza etc. They genuinely love seeing them and look forward to the days with them.

I do think for OP you need to build the relationship before suggesting the idea of any childcare from them. Also, I would only ever want my kids staying with grandparents that are 100% excited for it and really genuinely wanting it. If they dont seem keen or are abit half-hearted about it, there’s no way i’d let mine stay with them, even if you had an offer from them.

I hope that you’re not offended but do you think that your mum used her mum as childcare because she wanted you to have a lovely relationship with her or could it be because she’s not very maternal and wanted breaks from parenting?

Yanbu to be disappointed that she didn’t pay back the good fortune that she had to have a great grandparent for her child but some people aren’t enthusiastic about stuff like that.

My mother and mother in law are the same. My mum never offers her to take the kids anywhere. The 9 and 6 year old have never stayed in her house or at there other grannies (only the granddaughters get welcomed in her home grandsons are not).

Although my MIL does make a point of visiting the kids frequently but its fairly obvious she favours the girls. My mum isn't interested but will pander to her husband's family at the expense of her own family. We don't see her at Christmas or new year as she always has plans with her husbands family (we dont get invited either though his adult dc does). She moans about the kids being kids. They are generally well behaved and cause us no problems at all.

Its horrible and unless you have been there nobody realises how upsetting it is to know your kids dont matter much to there grandparents.

I was thinking about the OP. Seems like her parents don't even really know the grandchildren

You honestly think I couldn't tell if my own mother liked my own children?
Obviously you have such an insight into my family life nothing I can say will affect your thought processes.

You just can't predict unfortunately.

I didn't really have any relationship much to speak of with either set of grandparents. My mums parents lived over 2 hours away (but they did have a good relationship with my cousins who lived only about 5 miles away).
My dads parents lived an hour down the motorway, but one time we went 18 months without seeing them. Apart from that, once or twice a year was more the norm.
To my sister and I, they were just the nice old people we saw occasionally. I wasn't especially sad when any of them died. I was more sad seeing my mum sad. Mums parents both died before I turned 12, and dads went when I was about 19 and 22.

My DH's parents are long-separated, but neither have much interest. We see his mum about every 5-6 months, and haven't seen his dad for getting on for a year.
My mum is widowed, and although she tries her best, lives 2 hours away, has a rip-roaring social life and is just a busy person. We see her about every 2-3 months. I suspect if my dad was still alive, we'd have seen a lot more of them both, as he always loved babies and small children.

I have read that involved GPs often skip a generation. Certainly that has been our experience. We only had my DH’s parents who were not interested, wouldn’t help and fell out with us when a toddler touched tat an ornament. However they’d had weekly date nights for years and a whole squad to babysit and childmind. Our DGDC are the same age as your DC, OP, and both sets of GPs see them weekly, cover school holidays, have sleepovers and take them away. We’re all conscious that in the blink of an eye they will have interests which won’t include us so we are making the most of them while we can.

I was pretty much co-parent by my DGM. Wednesday evenings /Supper and after School DGD would turn up in his A40(in the late sixties) every weekend as well . School holidays /normal holidays ! Dad died so Mum was a SP then .My own DM/stepdad would babysit ,but didnt want to do day care fair enough. Hoping for some DGC .We live a 50 mile trip though .Hoping for days out / staying over (we live near the beach) And any BS duties! I do think some older people seem disinterested in DGC which is sad.

It's not unreasonable to mourn that your children won't have a relationship with gp like you had yourself.

Grandparents these days have a different lifestyle to those in when we were growing up . They often have to work for longer . And people set their own boundaries now.

But they still should show interest. It's rude not to.

Who says she disliked the grandchildren? Seems she simply doesn't want anything to do with kids ( in general)

You don't automatically like people just because they are related to you anyway

Correct.
Assuming you are not completely dense however you know when you have your own children there is a possibility they will then go on to have children of their own.
To outright dislike your own grandchildren seems odd to me.
Just to be very clear, I didn't ask my mother to look after my children , I paid for childcare for as long as it was needed. If I did go on a night out with my husband (rarely) my sister looked after my children and I returned the favour for her.
I am under no illusion who's responsibility bringing up children belongs too. I have been doing it for 19 years.
I am simply pointing out that I think it is odd for someone who has received so much support from grandparents to then opt out entirely when they have grandchildren of their own.

My parents see my kids a lot and have a fairly ok relationship with them but it’s because I invite them to things theyd like to do anyway. So Sunday dinner round mine, walk in the park, taking them round theirs with cakes. They basically watch me parent while they sit on the sofa and have a cuddle/ convo every now and again. It’s very easy for them. They do no childcare. Would they be more up for this kind of thing? Basically around the kids but no looking after them because you’re there?

When I read posts like this there are always those who say that they're YOUR kids and your parents shouldn't be expected to babysit... The fact is, the children, the parents and grandparents are all a FAMILY, and I for one want my child to be involved with their grandparents, to be close to them, to learn about life and all of the traditions and relationships with others in the family as well.

My mum lives about an hour and a half bus journey away from us, but has my daughter whenever she can during the school holidays (we don't get to go during the week etc for obvious reasons) but if she lived nearer I know my daughter would be able to just pop in any time and be totally welcome.

On the other hand, PIL have babysat once (when she was a few months old, she's now 13) when we went to the cinema, they were on the phone asking when we would be home before the film had even finished. I had to go part time at work when she was small as we had no other help and couldn't afford the full time childcare, then along comes my neice and nephew and suddenly they're looking after them a couple of days a week, and then when school age after school etc. SIL (DH sister) is a doctor and her DH has a very well paid job as well, but (in MIL words) 'Childcare is very expensive you know'.
Yes I DO know, because that's the industry I work in and we have been paying for childcare the whole time! (No discount at all!)

Fast forward to now and some Fridays they will invite the grandchildren for tea, but if for some reason the others can't go, our daughter can't go either.
I don't think there has ever been a time since my neice was born that she has been to their house alone. My neice is 12.
Oh, and they live a 20 minute walk away, about 5 minutes if that in a car (FIL drives, we don't, but DH would walk up and get her, or she could get a bus, but no, there's no point apparently)

There's nothing our daughter would have loved more than spending some time with them growing up, but she's now noticing the favouritism and its beginning to hurt.

If, or should I say when, the day comes that someone says my neice and nephew were closer to their grandparents I am going to absolutely flip. I know that day will come, when GGM died SIL was allowed to have a look at which mementos she would like first 'as she was closer to her than DH'. If they dare try and treat my daughter any differently it will all come spilling out.

I'm so sorry, my post turned into a massive therapy session 🤣