To end a friendship over disability slur

She’s a twat.

Sometimes people are really hurtful and don’t understand the impact of what they are doing and saying. She also doesn’t seem to understand its nothing to do with being a personal attack on you and your son, it’s about her failings as a human being and putting out hate into a world….because someone was doing their bloody job.

Part of me thinks cut her off. Part of me thinks maybe her eyes can be opened up and she maybe willing to do some reflection. She obviously values your friendship to apologise …maybe there’s hope for her and you could help make her see?

But if you think explaining to her and working with her, is just too much for you- don’t feel a seconds guilt about cutting her off. I think that’s what a lot of people would do. She would certainly learn a lesson about the nastiness she put out into the world, has consequences.

Me, I would grill her on why she said those things, why she believes those things and establish if she is capable of acting like a human.

People can be vile OP. There's a lot of disability prejudice out there
They need to bear in mind that anyone can become disabled at any time and understand how fortunate they are

My ex friend dumped me because I called her out on using the word ‘spac’ for a disabled person. I don’t miss her.

One the one hand, I blush when I think of some of the stuff I came out with in my younger days, for which I needed a good, hard slap - so I believe people can change and (sometimes) should be given the benefit of the doubt.

On the other hand, it was clear from your post, @Opal888, that your upset was genuine, therefore I voted YANBU, and think you are right to move on.

At best her comment to you was very unkind and insensitive, so I voted YANBU.

Her values are not compatible with your’s. Very Disappointing when nasty people reveal themselves like this.

Bin this person OP. They sound very stupid and ignorant. I had something similar happen to me with an old friend years ago when I was out with them. I distanced myself from them and told them why. She is no loss.

she sounds awful
well done on cutting her off

See ya love. Get her out of your life. Nasty.

So she means people like my daughter who have DS? She's fking gross.

The YABU vote has a few clicks, I’m mind blown!
May the people who think that, never find me in life.

OP, you did the right thing.
That woman in the cafe is working, she’s doing nothing wrong, just existing and somebody is saying bullying words about her. Horrible. There’s no excuse to use the R word, it’s derogatory and offensive. You’re a good person who felt upset on behalf of an innocent woman who wasn’t able to defend herself (because it was said behind her back) I’d be so upset to think people were mocking me for things I can’t help, when I’m just trying to go about my day/life.
The fact your friend feels that way and so openly and casually told you is absolutely a reflection on her.
I wouldn’t be friends with someone who had such a mean streak either, even taking your son out of the equation. It’s even worse she tried to justify it by telling you “not your son, but the ‘others’ who are worse than him” so, people who are ‘more’ disabled than others are fair game, but some disabled people get a pass because they aren’t disabled enough?!

You can make new friends. No friends is better than a spiteful one

Yes, sometimes words seem to change from standard to taboo in a matter of years; but if she's only in her 30s, the R word has never been remotely acceptable in her lifetime.

As a mum of a disabled child I completely understand why you were upset - your worst fears about how the world might also perceive your own child were confirmed by a person you are close to mocking an innocent person in public. It's awful whether it's a friend or a stranger (I saw a woman mocking my son in a supermarket once) - she is vile. You are well rid! Virtual hug

I get that sometimes people use the wrong words because they constantly change, that alone I don't find unforgivable but mocking someone is really nasty.

If she apologises fully and accepts how cruel her remarks are - not just to you but to the wider disabled population then I’d forgive her.

She might learn from it. If she doesn’t then I’d tell her why I don’t want her in my life.

I think absolute fit is out too 🤣😬

I think that’s the difference isn’t - 1. Cultural. 2. Now you’ve been told, you know. You don’t make excuses or try to make it reasonable.

Absolutely abhorrent, vile woman. You did the right thing ending the friendship!

I have a disabled child and people such as your ex friend are a waste of oxygen.

I am now no contact with a family member because they were using disabled slurs to mock disabled people. My son excused of course!

Told family member that to attack the general population of people with a learning disability, ALN or a physical disability means that they are attacking my child because that's the world he moves in!

I cried too, op, a mix of tears of rage and sorrow that there are still some vile people out there who think like this!

Not remotely unreasonable. She’s a disgrace and you’re far better off without her.

True. I guess I'd understand it more if it was a lifelong friend or her best pal, but OP says she's only known her a year and they have considerable differences.

I suppose my (poorly made) point is that if you're going to get that emotionally invested in people early doors, you're leaving yourself open to disappointment.

Of course the words she used reflect her as a person. How can they not?

I wouldn't want her as a friend either.

You have two choices. Zero tolerance, one strike only, cut her off. Or if you value the friendship, allow for the possibility this may be a road to Damascus moment now she has realised the impact of her views, and she may be genuinely sorry and review her opinions and behaviour. Either position is valid and entirely up to you.

@ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler I found that out just recently! I grew up over there. It was used casually, like eejit or muppet or numbskull.

I said it last month in front of my young adult children (context - why did they make a sequel to Happy Gilmore, which was already a stupid crap movie? Because some people are retards who will watch anything.)

They had an absolute fit and explained it was used as a hateful slur against people with learning disabilities.

I was shocked. I had no idea people even used it here, it was just an Americanism, I thought. I apologised, obviously, and know better now. I won't use it again.

(I'm keeping numbskull, that's apparently acceptable)

I think you'd be entirely justified in ghosting her. She's not only nasty, she's stupid and insensitive. What kind of person uses such a word in this day and age anyway?