Aibu to not bother brushing her teeth then? She’s causing so much stress and anxiety and I’ve had enough!

Have you looked into an autism diagnosis? From this small insight it seems like she is ticking some boxes.
Getting a ND diagnosis (the earlier the better) can be MASSIVELY helpful in understanding what you’re dealing with and getting the right support. Especially with figuring out what behaviours this is causing and why, that she is not just being naughty or being defiant, and proper diagnosis can help with finding coping strategies/mechanisms to make it less stressful for both of you.
Sending hugs xxxxx

I have been known to shock my kids with pictures of bad rotten teeth and gums online.
Basically said this is what will happen to your teeth if you dont brush them.
Something that worked with my tooth brush refuser was to show the pictures. Put the toothpaste on the brush and then walk away and say, its entirely up to you. Mouldy, painful teeth falling out of your head. Or you brush them.

You just have to restrain her with one arm and possibly legs too and brush them for her.

It's such a rubbish phase when they won't brush at all and none of the tricks work. My DD got better around 7/8. She's a teen with autism and happily flosses these days. Teeth are all good.

Look uo tooth brushing autism PDA. Even if she isn’t autistic it will be useful. Sounds like she might be though

It's hard & lots of wee ones are relucant toothbrushers like this.
You could look at doing some toothbrushing activities. https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1FmBthcuiN/
Then progress onto using disclosing tablets- my own 3 all loved these & electric toothbrushes def helped - lots of cool character ones available, frozen, Marvel etc.

Edited to add - our dentist just said to basically back off instead of forcing issue when going through this stage & focus instead on getting the fluoride toothpaste onto their teeth without rinsing as basic. I think to just avoid them seeing it as traumatic?? . In our case it was short term, im sure others will advise if longer term

Lots of good suggestions already, we had some real struggles and resorted to YouTube toothbrushing videos (hey duggee toothbrush song etc), also 3-headed toothbrushes (easy to find online) for a while which gave a bit of reassurance that we were at least making contact with all the tooth surfaces

I wonder if there’s something sensory going on. Have you noticed any other sensory-related difficulties?

I understand your worries but forcing is going to traumatise and possibly compound the problem.

@memyselfandI2025 She's refusing because she's 4 and she does not understand what it feels like to have toothache. She does not understand the process of tooth decay.

She has no understanding of why you're brushing her teeth - she may dislike it from a sensory point of view or from a power point of view - trying to assert her own independence,

You do understand it, which is why she has to do what you say.

I do my autistic dd's in the middle of the night when she is sleeping x

Brushing teeth is non-negotiable. I used to ask both of my toddlers if they wanted their teeth brushed with a happy mouth or a crying mouth. After a few tantrums and crying-mouth brushings they switched to being ok.

Far more traumatic to have to get rotten teeth pulled out because parents didn't want to make them do something they didn't like.

Lots of great tips. Mine liked the monster one too that pp mentioned, I think we did animals in there.

I noticed you said telling her she’d lose privileges - but do you actually give the consequence? I think if you’ve tried a lot of the above to no avail, I’d be saying no sweet things at all unless teeth are brushed every morning and night. And stick to it. If she’s really not going to let you brush you’ll need to do this anyway!

Those saying force is too traumatic.

What are you going to do if your child ends up in hospital and has to have treatment - inhalers, blood tests, horrible tasting medicine? - and we're talking about 'right now' not when you've convinced them

How about going on a journey - do you not insist on seatbelts or sitting down on aeroplanes?

There is always going to be something where there is NO choice for a small child - and I think it's foolish to teach them different.

We used to play a game where I had to brush to get rid of the monsters that were hiding in her mouth - ooh look, there's a green one hiding here, let me get him.... ping! Ooh, he's gone, geat, now I'm going to get this red one with the purple eyes, he's a cheeky one, he's hiding right at the back.... oooh, he keeps darting around, now he's over here.... yes! Got you!! Etc, etc, lots of sound effects. It worked well.

Failing that. I would just get really firm and say it's not negotiable, it's happening, and if there's any monkey business you'll be stopping anything with sugar in, as it's bad for your teeth and she won't brush them. So no chocolate, sweets, cakes, biscuits, ice cream, fruit etc. Mean it, and follow through, no matter how much she whinges or cries. It's her choice and once she's letting you brush without a silly fuss she can eat them again (subject to your usual restrictions) You'll feel bad, but not as bad as when she's screaming from toothache.

It's an important part of parenting to establish that some things are 'have to' not 'want to'

There is always going to be something where you have to impose your will.

I'd start with that - this is a 'have to' situation - 'you have to brush your teeth' - then give real choices - do you want to do it or do you want me to do it?

If she says 'I don't want to' repeat 'this is not a want to situation, this is a have to situation, now do you want me to do it or you?' If again 'I don't want to' or tantrum then 'this is your last chance to choose or I will brush your teeth 3,2,1'

then you wrap them in a towel and brush their teeth - have two toothbrushes available so when they inevitable bite on one to stop you, you leave them with that and carry on with the 2nd - in fact this can help and you can say 'you can use that one'

You have to win this. After you've done it you can have a calm conversation acknowledging that they seem to be finding toothbrushing hard and asking if there's anything that can be done to help - so if they say they don't like the taste, you can buy a different toothpaste.

Timers on your phone can be helpful to show it won't last forever for them.

As a follow on from my post I would also like to say please don’t pin your tiny child down and force them.

Try disclosing tablets.
For some reason my niece absolutely LOVED them. She would brush her teeth if it meant she got to crunch a tablet that made her mouth blue 🤷‍♀️ That’s kids for ya …

4 year old doesn’t get to decide. If he doesn’t open his mouth to brush his teeth then I’ll open it and brush them. You’re the parent.

We have a u shaped electronic toothbrush

My dd 7 was a nightmare until she got this

I feel your pain

It can be hell

Keep going !!!! Lots of great tips
I don't agree with holding them down it is so traumatic

If you stop brushing, you’ll make it worse.

My 4yo has decided he doesn’t want to brush anymore. I

have to hold his arms down and make him laugh and open his mouth. Or let him hold a phone or whatever.

Dental hygiene is non-negotiable. You don’t want children to think they can just not brush, especially when they get adult teeth. Those are going to have to last the better part of a century, dental issues are embarrassing and expensive.

Oh I feel your pain. Its a real battle. We have just got these little chewy tablets that dye your teeth to show up the plaque then you brush it off. My 8 year old loves pretending he is a dead zombie vomiting out blue blood. That's how I get him to brush his teeth. Worth a shot 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'd look for passive demand avoidance strategies.

We used to have this and I was at my wits end. DS also flung his head about and most nights would crack his forehead on the edge of the sink. He's diagnosed with autism and dyspraxia now but we got through this tooth brushing angst with a song that we made up and had actions. DH and I would do the song/ dance and actions and make a great huge fanfare about it. Eventually DS joined in and it seemed to crack that barrier.

We had an egg-timer too - brush for 2 minutes- and made it a huge challenge to finish the song and brushing before the sand ran out

You pin them if they won't. It's non negotiable to brush teeth.