Aibu to not bother brushing her teeth then? She’s causing so much stress and anxiety and I’ve had enough!

No you can't give up. It will be truly horrendous if she has to have teeth out under general anaesthetic, you know this, you're the adult, she doesn't, and TBH I would never use this as a scare tactic on a 4yo, they are too little and it's too far away and too scary - it won't help. (Plus they might legitimately need dental work in the future and telling them it's terrifying and painful won't help!) But you as the adult can keep that image in mind if it helps motivate you.

What you could do is drop it, completely, for a couple of weeks in order to sort of "reset" all the stress around it, since it's likely both you and she are on high alert the minute you get anywhere near the bathroom close to bedtime, which won't be helping. Then start very slowly and gently with one suggestion at a time to build up the habit and her trust again.

Please, please make them clean their teeth.
I was a child who wouldn't brush her teeth, mainly because when I was small - many years back - it was all peppermint flavour which I loathe.
By the time I was 16 my two upper front teeth were so bad I never wanted to smile. I was scared stiff of dentists, having had some horrid experiences previously. But eventually I forced myself to go, and had to have metal posts in my jaw for the implants to fix to - there was nothing left of the teeth. It was nasty, but not too painful.
Anyway, I learnt my lesson, and have done my best to look after my teeth since. Still hate peppermint, but other toothpaste flavours I have tried are just as bad IMHO .

This …
I’ve had to pin one of my kids and they now have lovely teeth
it’s two mins of crying for a life time of good dental health

Argh! This used to be hell. We went through a phase of forcibly cleaning his teeth - I found this traumatic, and I guess he did too. It did get better, but in hindsight, I wish I'd cleaned his teeth when he was asleep during the worst periods. However, he was such a poor sleeper that I would probably have been frightened to wake him.
Anyway, just wanted to agree with the PPs suggesting you look into Autism/Sensory Processing Disorder, since my child was diagnosed with both years after we had the toothbrushing battles. I would also try to identify exactly what it is about the process that bothers her, and take away as many of the barriers as possible. Our child hated the flavour and sensation of minty toothpaste until very recently, so we tried various ones until we found one he liked. Our main issues were before he could really describe what he did not like, but in hindsight, I think he did not like us putting an object in his mouth. He refused spoon feeding at 8 months, so I had to quickly drop the purees and try to make finger food that he would not choke on - quite a challenge! So flavours, textures, smells, lights, sounds - all of these could be causing issues and making toothbrushing difficult for her. I would have approached things differentky with my child had I known about these sensory differences at the time, but we got there in the end. Now I just have to keep reminding him to actually do it - forgets/gets distracted without prompting. Also, we did brush after him until he was about 9 - my dentist did this with his non-ND kids until 12! His dental hygiene is not fabulous now, but it's not terrible and he has not had any cavities so far, so fingers crossed!
The link below might be helpful - would probably help a reluctant brusher, whether autistic or not:

https://marybarbera.com/toothbrushing-without-tantrums-autism/

Good luck!

Have you tried different flavours of toothpaste? My autistic 7 year old is an absolute nightmare..I went through loads of different toothpastes until finding one he likes (Jordan junior off Amazon) I even tried unflavoured. I also use an electric toothbrush. Have you asked why she doesn't like it? My son also didn't like me breathing in his face while doing it

OP my son is autistic and refused teeth brushing when small. His doctor told me to brush as best as I can but then put his toothbrush in the bath or shower with him to play with. He used to pick it up and mimic teeth brushing himself whilst playing and soon got used to the brush x

If there is ND here, as some have speculated, forcing may just cause issues further down the line. Trying to find the reason and work around it would be better.

DS started refusing to clean his teeth after years of it being non negotiable from his point of view as well as ours. A 'u' shaped brush, later an electric 'u' shaped brush helped a lot.

Forcing him never did anything useful, in fact it caused actual harm. We physically forced him to school and to have baths. He ended up not going to school for a year, and refused to bathe or shower unless he was going swimming for four or five years.

There is some really good mum advice on here but umm honestly this is what worked for my 3 year old…

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oStaJTHgHMU&cbrd=1&ucbcb=1&cbrd=1

🤞

I used to pin my eldest down when he was younger to get it done. It was horrific, think I even posted about it under a different name. I tried all the tricks but it was just a horrible phase we had to get through, he’s 6 now and zero issues, often smugly shows off to his younger sibling how good he is. Doesn’t seem traumatised by it!

Hold her down and brush her teeth. You have to be cruel to be kind. You’re doing her an unkindness in the long run if you give into her over this. She simply has to have her teeth brushed. That’s it.

I had a mickey mouse app for my son , it’s revealed the picture on my phone as he brushed

It needs doing.
Keep your stress hidden and keep trying to make it fun. One of my DC would roar like a lion as loudly as she could while I brushed her teeth.. it was loud but was the only thing we found that worked after trying all sorts. I'd keep saying things like "can you be a baby lion?" "Now a scary lion" "how long can you roar?" To get her mouth open longer and pretend to be scared etc. Prior to finding that game every time was screaming tantrums where I quickly got it done between her holding her mouth clamped shut.

Have you tried Oranurse unflavoured toothpaste? It works for our sensory sensitive kids

Is this a sensory issue? Have you tried a smaller, softer or harder toothbrush?

I was just like this as a child.

Both my (separated) parents did everything they could to try and get me to brush my teeth, even bribery with my own electric toothbrush. Nothing worked. I grew out of it around age 9 and just started brushing. Yes I’m very likely ND.

We had a very low sugar diet naturally and I’m lucky it only resulted in a couple of small fillings.

I am NOT advocating no brushing, but staying relaxed around it (not adding extra anxiety) may help. Can you distract from the sensations by having someone read a favourite story, play a cartoon, play a favourite song … anything to increase relaxation?

Try sitting down together looking at photos of rotting teeth, find someone discussing the pain of broken teeth and bleeding gums, discuss how much money it costs to fix bad teeth.
bribery-agree to buy their first car. This is how much money they I’ll save over a lifetime if they brush their teeth. I am 39 and wasn’t made to as a child, I’d say I did it 50% of the time. So far I have had to spend over £5000 on my teeth.

You should read this back to yourself. Sounds horrific. Do you really do this? Wow.

Found this: https://www.nhsborders.scot.nhs.uk/media/971598/Meeting-your-childs-sensory-needs-Toothbrushing.pdf
Might be helpful. Good luck OP. Don’t let people tell you to force her - you will find a way that meets her needs and gets the job done without stressing you both out and teaching her that her feelings don’t matter.

Tell her they will go black and the dentist will have to pull them out. And that the tooth fairy doesn't pay out for black teeth.

@JLou08 you sit on their chest with your legs pinning their arms and your knees holding their head, then you hold their nose. It's not pleasant, but it's manageable even with my very large 5 year old.

Like a PP, I play 2 minutes of cartoons (usually Hey Duggee) on my phone. However, tooth brushing is completely non-negotiable in our house in the same way that taking medicine is. I can and have held the DC down and held noses if necessary. They let me do it nicely with a cartoon or they have it done in the less nice way. Keeping them safe and healthy (as much as possible) is my job.

I have my dc lie on the floor, on the bath mat in the bathroom and I sit behind so i have my legs over their arms and I can look straight down into mouth. Brushing (and flossing at night) are not options. Never have been. Sometimes they fight. There have been tears. But, I've been doing it since first tooth, so they know it's going to get done. Kids don't get choices over things like this. They can't. The consequences are significant.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fPp5-6Z3gfM

Stupid response. You'd need 3 people to pin my child, keep the head straight, open the mouth and brush the teeth and even then I don't think getting them to separate their teeth would be possible. There would be a risk of injury and choking forcing an object into a child's mouth when they are fighting against it.

I wonder if exploring some techniques for reducing the possible sensory overwhelm is worth trying.
I’ll see if I can find you some

A gentle dental hygienist helped too. I briefed her that DD would not brush and to go easy on her. DD always likes the dentist so she was ok with having a quick clean up at the hygienist. It helped inspire her to start brushing to keep the clean feeling. £90 twice a year well spent.

Yes @memyselfandI2025 that all sounds like sensory issues. Have a watch for suggestions on how to brush teeth with sensory issues.

Get her involved and brush when she is asleep are two I can think of but there will be more it is extremely common in autistic kids so there is help out there.