Aibu to not bother brushing her teeth then? She’s causing so much stress and anxiety and I’ve had enough!

What really helped with my toothbrushing refuser was turning it into a game and - crucially - brushing our teeth together. We would play music she likes to mark the time.

She hated having it done to her, but she was ok if it was something we both did together.

She would even let me brush her teeth if I let her brush mine at the same time, which was a bit hair raising at times as she wasn't able to be as gentle as I would have liked so we didn't do that, that often! But this, together with making it a game, helped us get from no teeth brushing to regular tooth brushing.

I showed my children pictures of children’s teeth that were seriously decayed and told them about the horrific pain, horrid dental treatment and bad breath they’d get if they didn’t brush at least twice a day.

That did the trick.

Hi OP.
I know this is so difficult. My son has sensory needs and oral care was so difficult. I am also an occupational therapist so have worked with many parents who have children that find teeth brushing difficult.

Could she have sensory needs? If she does there is lots of strategies that may help. Google oral propioception input exercises for do before teeth brushing.

There are many adapted toothbrush options out there. But if you can only brush her teeth for a small amount of time then these three sided toothbrushes mean you get more surface area with less time...

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dr-Barmans-Superbrush-Regular-Adult-Toothbrush/dp/B002841THY/ref=asc_df_B002841THY?mcid=e11e4329f89f36cd969ac258ee4d0d16&hvocijid=6749610906620654481-B002841THY-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6749610906620654481&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9211106&hvtargid=pla-2281435177138&psc=1&gad_source=1

It's so tricky, OP. I had to jump through a lot of hoops with DD1 in particular (she's 20 now, at uni and has perfect teeth!)

When she was little I had to enlist the cat to help out of desperation. A very patient cat who loves attention and handling, fortunately. Mummy couldn't brush her teeth but the cat was allowed to. Much cat/toothbrush/toddler juggling ensued, and occasionally getting the toothbrush in her mouth. It would have been easier to try to brush the cat's teeth.

When she was 4, we had moved onto roleplay, and I had to pretend to be the dentist. We would act out a whole dentist visit in the bathroom, but at least her teeth would get a really good clean this way.

As DD2 came into the picture, this was a bit of helpful competition as DD2 didn't mind her teeth being brushed at all. So there were stickers and reward charts and extra pocket money for doing things well that they needed to improve.

Some kids are a lot more sensitive than others. DD1 was so particular about clothing and hated loud noises, so it's possible that for her cleaning her teeth was more uncomfortable.

You wrap them up in a towel after the bath so their arms are pinned and cuddle and brush at the same time.

I can't believe that you are genuinely "stressed and anxious" about this, there are so many aspects of parenting where you have to do something that the kid doesn't fancy. Surely you just get on with it.

Not likely at age 4, though. They're not as body aware.

Put the focus on brushing your teeth together, rather than making it seem like a chore for your dd. Get an electric toothbrush and brush together. There are lots of fun and interactive toothbrushes for kids out there on the market.

Dentist advice - in this situation the most important thing is to keep sugar in diet as low as possible.Sugar is a much higher risk factor for tooth decay than not brushing teeth. So while they are in the past ( yes it will pass ) keep sugar as low as humanly possible

My 2nd was just like this. We tried everything and had so many meltdowns over it. This was the one time in a day she'd be allowed to watch something on my phone. There are tooth brush timer videos on YouTube which reveal a picture slowly over 2 mins that are seared into my brain.

She's 8 now and still not keen but tolerates having her teeth brushed and gets the logic.

Just don't do it

I a week or two her teeth will feel grumpy and she'll start brushing them

I agree. Oral heath significantly affects overall health as well as self-esteem. It is one of the most important care-giver responsibilities.

My son was like this, he’s now 16,
chose by himself to have a brace fitted, does the cleaning routine rigoursly and without being reminded and goes through heaps of toothpaste. It will get better OP, hang in there just one of those things that takes time.

Another one with an autistic child (3 actually). My youngest is now 10, but he was the same when little (diagnosed aged 4) At the time my friend was a dental nurse. She advised tooth brushing songs and to wrap him in a towel, make it a game and then lay him between legs on the floor so his head was upside down essentially facing up once he was in that position and singing the song, I’d just go in with a tiny smear of toothpaste on the brush and do one side of each row at a time and very gently. He wasn’t very accepting at first but once he could see it didn’t take long and it was part of his routine he eventually cooperated and we got to the stage that he just asked to do it himself and then I would finish by going over properly. We used unflavoured toothpaste for a few years but he will tolerate the Colgate sensitive toothpaste now as it isn’t an overpowering mint taste. The dentist also still tells me to use a smear as he swallows the toothpaste and fluoride spots started showing up. We went to the dentist yesterday as it happens and got the thumbs up. And for the first time he actually opened his mouth fully for the dentist! He still won’t let them put the cream/ varnish on to help with protection. We’ve taken away some of the little brushes they use to apply it to try and get him to accept them, so I feel your pain. Feels like starting all over again 😅

I'd do that too

You don’t restrict their breathing to pin a child down, bloody hell.

You hold their arms down. You don’t seriously think parents who want their children to have clean teeth are choking them to do so…??

I’m thinking she’s autistic from what you’ve said?

Google hints and tips from other parents- find support groups on Facebook.

it sounds like you need to figure out other ways in a less pressured situation.

Does she like foods she can crunch into, like an apple or soft foods that could just be swallowed?

She may prefer a firmer toothbrush or warm water in a cup rather than cold from the tap.
How about mouthwashes? Not to gargle but to rub on teeth with a finger or a baby teething brush?

I’d also stop doing it at the current times as it’s obviously stressful for you both. Once good in the middle of the day is better than 2 fights achieving nothing.

Does she talk/ communicate well?

It sounds also like you are not following through with ‘bribes’ and you are saying ‘you won’t have xyz’ but she does.

Good luck.

Frighten her , Show her some photos or videos of rotten teeth on you tube !!! It worked with a child I know!!!!They started brushing their teeth!

Can get musical toothbrushes, or ones that make a fart sound after a minutes brushing, would making it a game help at all? Good luck and am with the others, toothbrushing is a must.

I have taught in inner city, deprived schools for too long and seen too many 4 year olds with black rotting teeth to ensure my kids brush their teeth properly. I would pin mine down if necessary in order to brush properly. No excuses on this one.

Only way that I would have been able to force teeth brushing is put child on lap, one of their arms is pinned to your side and use one arm to hold their other arm, then one leg over theirs.

it’s not a great idea, especially at an older age like 4 as it’ll make the fight worse but I’d do it if nothing else worked. Two mins of unpleasantness.

I hate YouTube and phones for kids.

But if there is ever a time where YouTube on a phone is appropriate for a small child, this is it. It's 2 mins twice a day, it's the lesser of two evils. Better a screen than pinning them down or simply not brushing.

Either put their favourite show on or search for toothbrushing songs. Hey Duggee has a good one and even that godforsaken awful Blippi has a pretty good one too.

Get one of those baby silicone ones that go over fingers and fruity toothpaste. My 4 year old was same.

I tried this with my DC, it didn't work for him, he's autistic, swung his head back and forth and side to side with force and had his mouth clamped shut. I'm all for trying to get children to brush their teeth and I'm not against the way you described it. Sitting on a child's chest and holding their nose is a whole other level though. People have died from being restrained in that way.

Much easier at this age to insist and get it done, however long it takes it gets done, she’ll see you mean it. I was brushing my kids teeth still at 4.
The timers with flashing lights are quite fun. But absolutely you have to stick to it and never let her go to sleep or leave the house without brushing her teeth. It’ll become an awfully hard habit to change as she gets older. And bad teeth are painful AND expensive.

It could be a sensory issue. My DC who has sensory issues (diagnosed with ASD) used to be just like this! I had to pin him down (gently) and very quickly brush his teeth.

Worth investigating. If it’s sensory related, google strategies. My DC is fine now.