Aibu to not bother brushing her teeth then? She’s causing so much stress and anxiety and I’ve had enough!

Oh come on. This is about understanding what the problem is and making adjustments to enable the child to tolerate tooth brushing. It’s not a ‘pin them down no matter what’. It’s about showing curiosity and compassion and figuring out why. Of course learning self care and teeth cleaning is important.

The approach I’ve described works much better with my child, who’s autistic with sensory processing difficulties, than force and dismissing what their behaviour is communicating. To use your phrase ‘wtf would anyone want to put themselves through that’.

No sweet treats whatsoever then, ever, under any circumstances. Worked in our house.

Also screen ban threats - you obviously have to be prepared to follow through - have never failed me.

Also don't hold back on the consequences of unbrushed teeth. I have a paediatric dentist friend and some her stories are absolutely grim.

I agree, I'm a teacher also. I have come across quite a few children who spend a lot of time in great pain, through bad teeth.
I've told my four year old that Mr Spider eats left over food from your teeth at night if you don't brush them! Worked a treat!

My four year old also point black refused to brush his teeth, so he was held and his teeth brushed for him until he understood it would be happening whether he ‘refused’ to do it or not.

You are the parent and tooth brushing is non negotiable. Your 4 year old doesn’t necessarily need to ‘agree’ to everything.
You make decisions and provide care that is in her best interests because you are the adult and she is a child.
It is your job not to neglect her basic needs whether she likes it or not.

Like others on here we had a song with actions.....adapted a favourite children's song to be all about teeth brushing and we all did the song together. Let them choose own toothbrushes too.

I also have a very stubborn child. Honestly if it's engrained into the routine they will get it EVENTUALLY. Mine is now 8. Actually getting up the stairs without a million mini diversions is another matter! Electric toothbrush and turn it over timer helps. I also promise a treat (if you start it in the next three minutes you can watch funny animal videos with me before books, or I will do a mega tickle).

I don't disagree that some things are non negotiable, and it's unwise to let children think they can make certain decisions. But there's firm, there's force and then there's FORCE. Surely you can see the difference?

You're being naive if you think everything can be overridden by force. Or that it's anything other than a temporary show of power. You seem to have a 'I'm no nonsense, stop being a pansy' attitude - but if you manhandle your child to the floor every time they refuse to do something you've lost your way.

What if your kids won't sit down on an aeroplane? Are you going to physically restrain them for the entire flight? What does that look like? You wouldn't be physically strong enough to hold them that entire time if they really meant business so... sit on them? Similarly, the human jaw is astonishingly powerful so sure you can jam a toothbrush through their lips by force but if they don't want to part their teeth you won't be able to change that.

Ironically, I actually agree that in this instance I would also physically try to brush their teeth, holding them if necessary - but I'm not so arrogant as to think that this would always work, nor that other parents haven't thought of it.

She sounds very much like DS2...he hated brushing his teeth until we discovered oranurse (which is unflavoured and non foaming), the dentist explained some people have a sensitivity to the foaming agents in normal toothpaste and that's why he found all the flavoured toothpastes 'spicy'

He's also a very fussy eater who hates getting his clothes wet.

My dd has always hated brushing her teeth and still does at 11. We tried most of the things suggested here - we did have to keep changing it up as there is no ‘one thing’ that works. She gradually improved with time. Getting some kind of cleaning done better than nothing so don’t give up entirely.

I can see some people suggested these, but worth a shot

Electric toothbrush, might be more exciting than a manual, plus even if its a shortened time, at least it'll be a better clean than a manual.

Disclosing tavkets, mine akso randomly enjoyed looking in the mirror and brushing the pink of theur teeth.

Maybe try the Hey Duggee tooth brushing song, mine also listened to that when they were younger, 2 mins long

I don't get it. I'm an autism parent and I know fine well what it would be like if my autistic kid got toothache. Getting dental treatment as an autistic person can leave a long lasting fear of dentists, the risk is probably increased. Wtf would anyone want to put themselves through that because they don't want to 'tramatise' them with a couple of minutes of teeth brushing?! Ridiculous.

Mines 18 and I still make sure he brushes his teeth. It's none negotiable.

Another vote for Oranurse toothpaste - it's unflavoured and doesn't foam. It was the only thing that worked for one of my children when we were in the same situation 15 years ago! I tried everything. Back then, there was a community dental nurse who visited baby groups etc and she gave me a free sample of Oranurse. Medical and dental people can get free samples here: https://oranurse.co.uk/samples/

Rather than video distraction, I used to ask maths problems and taught him British Sign Language numbers to tell me the answers. Had to do it this way until he was about 11. Good luck, it is so hard.

Fun battery tooth brush, colour disclosing tablets. Make it fun but dont give up

There are some things that are negotiable, teeth brushing is not one of them. It doesn't matter how hard it is, it must be done.

My little boy is on the pathway for assessment and has a lot of sensory issues. I refuse to hold him down because it's just making it worse imo. If I can only manage 20 seconds then I can live with that.

Look up PDA and see if you can get so some tips

I was going to say a similar thing. My friend grew up in very rural Nigeria, they had a zero sugar diet, just basic country food, it was super super rural. They never brushed their teeth and picked bits out with twigs.
Her teeth are beautiful.

She brushes them now, obviously, because she loves cakes.

Definitely stop all sugar until it resolves, it might be a motivator to brush her teeth too.

Mine have both gone through stages of it, and with both of them being very clear (and following through) that children who don’t brush their teeth twice a day every day can’t eat sweet things was really effective within a couple of days.

Tell the teacher at school “Just to let you know Sophie can’t have pudding today because she’s not brushing her teeth.” Go to Costa and get her tap water. Buy a box of nice chocolates for home and offer them to everyone else. Keep toothbrush and toothpaste in your handbag so she can eg change her mind in Costa, brush her teeth, and then have a hot chocolate.

I think 4 is too old for pinning down, although I would have done this when mine were toddlers.

No sorry, it’s just one of the horrible things you have to do as a parent. I went through a phase of having to brush DS’s teeth by force, around 2/3 - it was awful for both of us. But your child will need teeth in life, so it’s something you just have to do and eventually they will be get used to it.
My ds is 6 and I still do his 75% of the time, I’m starting to very gradually phase in him doing it but you need to know it’s being done properly before you can let them take over.

I work in a maxfac team at a hospital. 75% of their work is removing children’s teeth under general anaesthetic because the parents don’t brush their teeth.

Not RTFT so might have already suggested it but the Hey Duggee toothbrushing song on YouTube changed our lives! It’s timed to 2 mins, we used to whack it on our phones every toothbrushing session and DC brushed along, no complaints. Everything else had been futile.
Good luck!

That's exactly how I did it. Got bitten a few times holding his mouth open but it worked. Had to do it for a year or so and then I was able to brush his teeth normally so long as I sang the whole time (invented a special song just for teeth brushing). No trauma, he's perfectly happy with teeth brushing now at 7.

Similar to the OP that mentioned making a game of it, seeing food in the teeth. One of mine absolutely refused tooth brushing so we devised a game. Ours involved bugs that loved to attack teeth and make them go bad. The toothbrush was the superhero trying to stop them. We’d say along the lines of “ooh look there’s a bug in a skateboard up there” and catch him with the brush. Then “oh no look there’s another one in a speedboat” and so on. Worked every time. Eventually he’d ask to catch the baddie.

I used this song on iPad (it used to be an app .. not sure if it still is but I googled and found it on YouTube).
My boys loved it and looked forward to brushing their teeth. They're not 16 and 18 and still talk fondly about the Nurdle Durdle song.

My kids both refuse toothbrushing. I realised I need a new tactic every week to get them to do it. Sometimes it's a song we sing, sometimes it means putting on a toothbrushing video on YouTube while they brush to it. Last night I told them that I would tell them about our weekend plans but my voice is powered by them toothbrushing and if they stop brushing my voice stops working. They brushed excitedly because of the novelty but I always have to change up the tactic unfortunately. Most of this week I told my son he was the dentist and sat myself and his sister Infront of him to take a toothbrushing lesson and that worked really well but I am running out of ideas too.
There is a dentist on Instagram who did a video on how to pin your child down for toothbrushing years ago so I have shamefully copied that a fair few times. You lie them down and you sit above their head and you put your legs over their arms. When the child tells you they didn't like it you just have to say it's either that or you can brush them well yourself. It feels awful but the dentist says it's worth it