Workplace gossip - Do I have a right to complain?

I’m really surprised folks saying go to hr. This could be he told one person, who told everyone else, gossip spreads, and hr will not get remotely involved if say during a conversation about someone’s similar issues he mentioned it, personally I find it hugely improbable he is walking round, telling everyone who will listen , gossip about the ops life, she’s not senior, and is unlikely to be someone of such huge importance to them all and to him that this is even remotely likely.

I would report to HR, but keep it work based connection rather than “family” if this makes sense.

So you report that you are aware that gossip about your marriage, child at school etc etc (list the specifics) are circulating and coming out of X department.
this is personal and private information that you would never share with colleagues and is distressing you to the point you dread going to work.

you believe this is coming from Bob, the only person who has any knowledge of your private life in that department as he has a tenuous mutual connection to some of your family by marriage.

while you are pleasant to Bob when you see him in the office, he isn’t someone you share personal information with and you are unhappy that he’s now sharing gossip from people he knows, outside of work who also know you.

Who told you @Intentionallyvauge is it someone you trust being genuine?

I think you definitely need to log this with HR as an issue - it’s totally out of order.
Not sure what can be done formally but you need to stop it before it carries on/ gets bigger.

If he was a decent person he wouldn't be spreading personal details about op life.
He needs a shock from HR to shut his mouth.

I do think workplace gossip is sadly really common, certainly anywhere I have ever worked.

It does seem awful though that he is in some way part of your family circle, and using info gained from that connection in this malicious,upsetting way.

Not sure if I would report him in the workplace, or to the social connections you share. Possibly both.

Ahhh this is a tricky one. 100% he should not have put you in this position. However, sharing this with leadership will mean he’ll be having an uncomfortable conversation with them at some point. And whilst I think he totally deserves that - that’s only going to come back to you via your family, so the ‘vague is kicking off at work making Dave out to be a shit stirrer, she’s been over sensitive yada yada’

Who has told him this information about you? I suppose a family member at a family gathering. And he has taken family gossip into the workplace and told his colleagues who have spread it further

I would :

Speak to him and find out who told him. Which family member/s

Tell him how hurt you are by this and how it's affecting you professionally

Report it formally to HR as bullying

Speak to / email the family members who originally told him and ask them to stop spreading gossip and inaccurate information

I’d suggest following both the HR and one-to-one approaches in parallel

1. Approach HR to alert them to this issue, request it stay confidential for the moment as you wish to give him the chance to deal with this amicably

2. Make a meeting with him during the work day, as this is a work issue, to present him with the distress his behaviour has caused. If he refuses to take responsibility let him know this is not a ‘family discussion’ (that can be dealt with outside of work) this is giving him a chance to informally address an issue impacting the workplace. If he still doesn’t play ball let him know you will have to liaise with HR

3. Get you DH to deal with his family

edited due to typos

I would feel the same, I would report it.

More nasty mother in law concerns

two things: your mother in law is the bitch here.
I always decorate what I say to colleagues so it is not the exact reality but still some materials for some chat with laugh

I've had similar , someone senior to me recognised my husband from before he was married to me (his first wife died) and spread some absolutely vile gossip. You have to take this to HR. The person in my case was a very senior manager to me but still ended up in a disciplinary because they also shared the information widely by email.

Agreed, involving your minor children is particularly distasteful.
I would be very upset at this.

I expect there is a possibility that he will probably deny saying anything about you. This is what happened to me when I had words with someone I knew had been gossiping about me.

It’s not clever…he’s an arsehole… but this isn’t bullying! Why has this word become the norm for something people don’t like?

I'd go straight to HR first thing on Monday, make sure you use the words "causing distress", they need to know this isn't you just complaining about tittle tattle, but that his spreading of your personal information around the entire workforce is actually having a negative and distressing impact on you.

HR then.. because this makes it hard to do your job comfortably..

I think how you approach this is going to come down to what the other people in your workplace are like and what you want to achieve. I work in a school where gossip spreads like wildfire. A colleague in a similar position to you has been the subject of gossip since before the summer holidays and when she discovered and denied it the gossip escalated. Slightly different situation as she was denying it and her denial only caused some others to doubt her more as they felt she’d protested too strongly 🙄. She also has a distant male relative in school and he’s added to the gossip that is circulating despite being off sick!

It’s an awful situation for you to be in but I’d think carefully before taking action.

Where is he getting his info from? I’d have a problem with whoever was filling him in on your life.

Id also speak ro him, raising a complaint is going to have everyone knowing, like the Barbara Streisand picture, where she want crazy over a pic of her house and took legal action, meaning it became interesting and went viral, where as no one gave a shit before.

sure it should be confidential but it never is. Everyone will be talking about you and then some and think the gossip is major.

if you’re sure it’s him, and he may have told one person in passing, although I can’t see why, then I’d speak to him about it as my first step.

No informal chats, this is affecting your professional life. Straight to HR.

This is something that needs to go straight to HR, IMO.

He's been incredibly unprofessional and it needs dealing with ASAP.

I really think you should drop in an urgent email over the weekend and then speak to in-laws because this kind of crap can ruin a person's reputation at work AND they shouldn't be fucking gossiping about you!

Stand up for yourself, OP!

This is a family member gossiping about you
I would talk to him and tell him to stop

but also ask family members not to be spreading personal stuff down the line to distant relatives.

Let’s appreciate that he heard it all first from a relative. So they all need to stop the gossiping

Yes, this!

I strongly recommend you go to HR and make sure that this gossip reflects badly on him, and his career - and not on you. He is trying to demean you - not that it matters, but is there any reason for him to feel threatened by your abilities in the workplace? Don’t deal with this personally; think about how he has dealt with your personal matters, by splashing them across your workplace, and do not give him the benefit of the doubt. Only HR can damage him sufficiently to make him think twice, so involve them now.