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Original poster

Workplace gossip - Do I have a right to complain?

85 replies

Intentionallyvauge · 24/10/2025 19:38

I work for a large company with lots of different departments.

Someone in another department to me is very vaguely connected to me through family. In-law of in-laws, that type of thing. I know his face and name and that's about it. Can't even remember the name of his wife or kids. He passes through my office sometimes and I always say hello, how are you, just pleasantries. I sometimes see him outside of work at extended family events.

This person has heard some information about me through the family grapevine. Pretty personal stuff such as the fact that my daughter is having problems since starting secondary school, that I had a health scare earlier this year, even some of the problems I've had in my marriage.

This has trickled back to me, and I'm really upset that colleagues have heard personal things about me that I haven't chosen to share myself. Some of the information he has shared isn't quite accurate either, or is told from a one-sided viewpoint. It seems he's told his entire department, enough for it to have spread out of his and into mine, anyway.

I feel as though I should bring this up with the person rather than go straight to someone senior, but I'm not really sure where I stand. Is just chatting about someone you know in the workplace OK? at what point is it not? It's not something I would do, but can I really do anything about it?

At what point does it become gossip and and what point does gossip become bullying?

I do hope that makes sense. I'm kind of dreading Monday, wondering if everyone has been gleefully discussing my marital issues in the pub 😄😭

And yes, I know I need to address the fact that family have clearly been gossiping about me too, but I know how to deal with that!

OP posts:
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Katie0909 · 03/11/2025 18:24

Changedforthetoday · 24/10/2025 20:16

Why don’t you speak to him yourself and tell him to pack it in. Then if he does it again make a formal complaint.

This sounds like the most sensible idea. You are vaguely related to him so it could cause tension within the family if he gets hauled in by HR but what he has done is wrong and he needs to stop immediately. If you give him fair warning and he continues then he deserves whatever comes his way.

Swiftie1878 · 27/10/2025 13:11

I seem to be against the flow of opinion on this one, but I wouldn’t create trouble at work for (even distant) family without giving them the chance to make amends first.
I’d talk to him, family member to family member (since that’s how he knows this stuff about you), and tell him to keep his mouth shut, and that what he’s already spread about you has really hurt your feelings.
I’d expect a profuse apology and reassurance it won’t happen again.

If I didn’t get the reaction I expected, then I’d escalate it to HR.

Good luck! xx

Gossipisgood · 27/10/2025 12:38

I'd meet with the person doing the gossiping & remind him that personal information is just that, personal & you'd like for him to stop telling others at work your business. If it doesn't stop then go to HR with a complaint. Mention to family who know this person that you're not happy with whoever it is passing on info about you & your marriage & that you'd like for the word to go around to all family & in laws that you'd prefer not to be the centre of anyone's gossip.

dh280125 · 27/10/2025 12:25

If it's not someone you are close to, go straight to HR.

Frozensun · 27/10/2025 04:11

DarkYearForMySoul · 24/10/2025 22:34

I’d suggest following both the HR and one-to-one approaches in parallel

  1. Approach HR to alert them to this issue, request it stay confidential for the moment as you wish to give him the chance to deal with this amicably

  2. Make a meeting with him during the work day, as this is a work issue, to present him with the distress his behaviour has caused. If he refuses to take responsibility let him know this is not a ‘family discussion’ (that can be dealt with outside of work) this is giving him a chance to informally address an issue impacting the workplace. If he still doesn’t play ball let him know you will have to liaise with HR

  3. Get you DH to deal with his family

edited due to typos

Edited

@Intentionallyvauge this is the best advice. You need to talk to him directly, but have a notation with HR. “Bullying” is repeated instances where the person has been told to stop. This is putting him on notice.

Whoever has the connection to the in laws needs to take action about the leak in the family - and unfortunately you will need to cut off the information highway going to this person. How many others in the wider family have been told as well!

Onceisenoughta · 27/10/2025 03:36

There's obviously loose lips in the family & this is the result. We had a similar issue where our private business ended up landing back on my daughter at school, I went berserk - this is family who have nothing better to do than gossip to each other - my sister was telling her daughter my business, she was telling her daughter who told her mates at school - stuff I'd only said to her in confidence so I knew where the loose lips were. I haven't spoken to her for 3 years but she'd been doing it for a lot longer before that.

Bloodyscarymary · 26/10/2025 19:40

Wildgoat · 24/10/2025 21:35

Id also speak ro him, raising a complaint is going to have everyone knowing, like the Barbara Streisand picture, where she want crazy over a pic of her house and took legal action, meaning it became interesting and went viral, where as no one gave a shit before.

sure it should be confidential but it never is. Everyone will be talking about you and then some and think the gossip is major.

if you’re sure it’s him, and he may have told one person in passing, although I can’t see why, then I’d speak to him about it as my first step.

This isn’t true. Unless OP works somewhere extremely chaotic/unprofessional, raising it to HR will just shut it down and put the prick on warning.

IThoughtIdHeardItAll · 26/10/2025 19:32

How awful for you. He’s a complete creep and a nasty gossip. He knows full well you work there; any decent grown up would not do that. Definitely HR and don’t give it a second thought. It’s only what he deserves and clearly needs! Unprofessional in the extreme.

Friendlygingercat · 26/10/2025 16:17

I would take a very serious view of this. Spreading malicious gossip is an offence under the harassment legislation and potentially a criminal offence. I would take the person one one side and give them a thorough dressing down. Unless they apologise and promise to cease this behaviour I would threaten a formal workplace grievance and a Cease and Desist from my solicitor. I can come across as a very scary lady when I need to.

T1Dmama · 26/10/2025 12:07

I would go to your manager, or to his manager and complain about him gossiping.
could you make an anonymous complaint and make It sound like someone in his own team is complaining about the fact he’s gossiping about you and they find it very unprofessional and undermining of their trust in him? I only suggest this because of the added difficulty of a complaint coming from you then being fed back through your family…
Christ I would be going absolutely mental at my family for gossiping about me too!….
he shouldn’t have even been privy to this information! I’ve had a couple of fallouts with my mother for this sort of thing… telling her something and asking her to keep it private, next thing I hear is she’s shared it in social media!! and I’m getting a message from someone I barely know offering sympathy! Or I bump into someone we all barely know and they say ‘oh your mum said ………, how are you!? Etc…..
It’s awful and I now deliberately withhold things from my mum which is very sad and isolates me somewhat… in the sense I have to suffer in silence.
if someone was gossiping about not only me, but more over my child’s struggles I would go fkn mental! I don’t think you owe any of them a private chat!!…… a complaint is not only justified but NEEDED!
I would also be addressing my team and telling them that the information they’ve received is not only very unprofessional to be being talked about but is also inaccurate and the source is very clearly not only misinformed but also very out of order!!… No doubt it will filter back the way it came to his team also! This is disgusting behaviour!…. What is he a 12 year old bully in the school playground!!
I hope work give him a formal warning! And warn all colleagues not to spread this shite!

northernballer · 26/10/2025 07:55

I always judge the person doing the gossip rather than the person being gossiped about, but that aside, I'd ask my boss to have a word with his boss if you feel able to.

Otherwise I'd send an email calling him out as I'm terrible face to face.

rainbowstardrops · 26/10/2025 07:47

What an arse! How would he like it if you were gossiping about his personal life?
I’d raise it with HR and also make it clear to your family, not to gossip about you either!

Ellie1015 · 26/10/2025 07:42

I would speak to the person directly. Ask them to keep family stuff private.

I would also speak to in laws, explain what has happened and ask them not to share information with their inlaws. While the original conversation may have been out of worry and needing support it has been passed on and spread around work.

TardisDweller · 26/10/2025 07:36

The thing is, it is very difficult to prove anything in circumstances like this. You being told by another colleague is gossip in itself. You could have it on record with HR that you think this is what's happening, but they can't just take your word on what you've been told. It's all a bit x told y that z told f that g said w is...

Not pleasant and not good, but hard to solve unless you are willing to talk directly to him about it I would think.

Retiredfromearlyyears · 26/10/2025 07:29

Tbh. I'd be more concerned an extended family member was discussing you with him. It must be someone close enough for you to have confided in too. 'Keep your own council' within your own extended family for the time being. I would have a word with whoever his immediate boss is an make him aware of the issue and that some of the information being spread about you is in fact, inaccurate. Let this person's boss know that you are giving him a heads up but are still considering going to H.R . If he shares this when talking to your in laws, In law, it may just flush him out and he will come to you and explain him.self. Good luck!

Rosiedayss · 25/10/2025 23:23

Definitely stress the private medical information of a minor being most upsetting, such a violation of their privacy.

I would drop him in it formally and fxxk the consequences for him.

2021x · 25/10/2025 21:38

Agree with others to report to HR and make it as disscompassionate as you can

  1. People know my personal business
  2. Its coming out of X department
  3. I have a family connection in that department.
  4. This is making it hard to do my job correctly.

Here is hoping in the meantime someone senior to him, points out the information he is sharing makes him look untrustworthy to others.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/10/2025 20:36

MimiSunshine · 25/10/2025 07:49

I would report to HR, but keep it work based connection rather than “family” if this makes sense.

So you report that you are aware that gossip about your marriage, child at school etc etc (list the specifics) are circulating and coming out of X department.
this is personal and private information that you would never share with colleagues and is distressing you to the point you dread going to work.

you believe this is coming from Bob, the only person who has any knowledge of your private life in that department as he has a tenuous mutual connection to some of your family by marriage.

while you are pleasant to Bob when you see him in the office, he isn’t someone you share personal information with and you are unhappy that he’s now sharing gossip from people he knows, outside of work who also know you.

I agree with this. I would also emphasise strongly that some of the information is confidential information about a minor and sensitive personal data about your health. You did not consent for any of this to be shared.

Then get your DH to speak to family if you think it would make things better not worse

neilyoungismyhero · 25/10/2025 20:21

Personally I'd go into his office and tell him I don't appreciate him tittle tattling my business all over the company especially as half of it comes nowhere near the truth and he should desist otherwise you will be taking it further. That approach is obviously not for everyone but it's what I would do, in front of his audience too.

Blablibladirladada · 25/10/2025 20:08

personal information shared isn’t gossiping and yes HR would sit the person down and tell him to stop…
but..
would that not make it worse?

If not, just do it. People absolutely wanting to say something so they spill on others are nuisance.

Chinsupmeloves · 25/10/2025 19:36

Have you spoken to him about it?

TorroFerney · 25/10/2025 11:04

m00rfarm · 24/10/2025 20:18

You are being completely ridiculous with those comments. No one has the right to spread information about someone else in a workplace. They need to be told that "mindless gossip" is not to be tolerated. How would you like personal information to be shared around your office. Completely unacceptable.

Show quote history

Agree. It’s irrelevant whether the person is upset by it or not isn’t it. It’s not his information to share. I bet the rest of the team think he’s an idiot though,

Brusque · 25/10/2025 08:20

No I hate gossip it’s awful and I’d never do this. YANBU OP

Whyherewego · 25/10/2025 08:08

MimiSunshine · 25/10/2025 07:49

I would report to HR, but keep it work based connection rather than “family” if this makes sense.

So you report that you are aware that gossip about your marriage, child at school etc etc (list the specifics) are circulating and coming out of X department.
this is personal and private information that you would never share with colleagues and is distressing you to the point you dread going to work.

you believe this is coming from Bob, the only person who has any knowledge of your private life in that department as he has a tenuous mutual connection to some of your family by marriage.

while you are pleasant to Bob when you see him in the office, he isn’t someone you share personal information with and you are unhappy that he’s now sharing gossip from people he knows, outside of work who also know you.

I agree this is a good approach. This is causing you distress and anxiety and you did not wish colleagues to know this information.
Explain how this is impacting your work and emphasise how you had not shared this information with anyone at work and therefore you were not expecting this to be discussed in the workplace.
Mention Bob may be the source but probsbly best to not say it was definitely him at this point and let them do the investigation

WeightLossGoal2024 · 25/10/2025 08:02

MimiSunshine · 25/10/2025 07:49

I would report to HR, but keep it work based connection rather than “family” if this makes sense.

So you report that you are aware that gossip about your marriage, child at school etc etc (list the specifics) are circulating and coming out of X department.
this is personal and private information that you would never share with colleagues and is distressing you to the point you dread going to work.

you believe this is coming from Bob, the only person who has any knowledge of your private life in that department as he has a tenuous mutual connection to some of your family by marriage.

while you are pleasant to Bob when you see him in the office, he isn’t someone you share personal information with and you are unhappy that he’s now sharing gossip from people he knows, outside of work who also know you.

This

plus speak to your family to ensure no further information is shared

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