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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me be fair to my children

65 replies

Singlemum90 · 24/10/2025 15:18

So I have just got word that one of my children will be receiving £30,000 in a compensation claim (something I initiated due to an injury-not long term affecting thankfully!But nonetheless he was injured) which is fabulous news for getting started when he is older. Obviously he won't receive this until he's 18 and I can only hope that if we continue with teaching good financial awareness he will not blow this and could end up with no university fees or he could use it as a house deposit etc. So I'm very happy for him and very pleased we went for the claim.

As well as this I have been saving in a little stocks and shares ISA for him since he was younger. It has been a real goal for me to get all of my children to £5k in their ISA by the time they are 18. This would be for a 1st car or top up to student loans etc. It's not millions but if I can help them I want to.

Here's where the AIBU is, my husband thinks we should be stopping putting money into my son's ISA and upping the contributions into the other children's ISAs as obviously my son will have much more than them at the same age. I think the claim is irrelevant as I want to be fair to each child from us. It is unfortunate my son had an accident so he is entitled to that money. But I do understand that him having potentially £35k plus interest when they have £5k may create resentment.

We could even this out a little by putting more in the others and stopping his. He currently is on about £2.5k in his ISA at age 11. This will go up a small amount hopefully by 18 even by not touching it. I am worried about being fair to each child as a parent, my husband thinks we need to look at the bigger picture for them, that the son with the claim won't need what we can give him as much as his siblings will.

So what is fair? We are not rich by any means so unfortunately could never just hand £30k to the others 😂

OP posts:
Notagain75 · 24/10/2025 15:42

Has your son been affected by the accident he received compensation for? Any long term affects or expenses that mean he will need to use the compensation money?
If not I agree with your husband. I would stop paying into his ISA as he won't need it. As you say you can't afford 30k for the others and he already has 2.5 k.in his ISA. So he is going to have much more than his siblings anyway.
I think it's more important to give the children what they need as individuals rather than treat them exactly the same and your elder child won't need as much financial support from you as the others will.

itsgettingweird · 24/10/2025 15:42

Each child gets individual savings in their isa to an equal amount.

Your son’s compensation goes into a separate account - that’s his money from another person for their mistake.

Then all children get equal amounts from you and you are treating them all equally.

What happens if - god forbid - between now and then another of your children suffers an injury and a payout. You can’t then start deducting their savings etc.

Think of it as teaching your children sometimes life isn’t fair - not just financially but in the things you suffer as well. For one of your children that was an injury severe enough to be compensated for.

Original poster
Singlemum90 · 24/10/2025 15:42

PflumPfeffer · 24/10/2025 15:35

No I disagree with stopping his savings, that’s spending his money for him by not giving him the same you would have done. What do you then do when child B wins something or when child C starts their own business at 16? Or when child B wants to study in London which costs more, or child C gets an NHS bursary to study? It’s not child A’s fault you’ve stretched your finances significantly to have more kids than you can afford to give a proper start in life, that was your choice. Life isn’t fair and I think it’s mad to add up the pennies like this especially when it was compensation.

Edited

I don't think you need to be insulting. I'm not sure how you've gathered that we 'cant afford to give our children a proper start in life'. How nasty.

OP posts:
Catpiece · 24/10/2025 15:41

TeenToTwenties · 24/10/2025 15:37

Because the OP wants things to be more even for her DC and they only have limited funds.

Which is fairer 1 DC gets 35k and the others 5k, or one gets 32k and the others 7k?

It isn't as if she is planning to swipe the compensation and hand it over to the others. Just to use their limited savings to fund the other children who will benefit more.

Show quote history

I see what you’re saying but life isn’t fair is it. I’d still pay into all the ISAs x

EuroTour · 24/10/2025 15:38

Being fair would be you contributing the same amount to each. The compensation money is irrelevant and in addition to for one child as they were injured. It would be deeply unfair to stop their ISA.

boysmuminherts · 24/10/2025 15:38

Fair is to continue saving the same for all your children. The compensation doesn't come into it.

stichguru · 24/10/2025 15:38

Your son's money from his injury that none of the others had is completely separate from the other money. Ignore it, it isn't relevant to how much he gets from you. He deserves that money from something that doesn't concern the others.

Ablondiebutagoody · 24/10/2025 15:38

I would keep paying the same amount into all the ISAs. The compensation is nothing to do with it and should be his alone.

TeenToTwenties · 24/10/2025 15:37

Catpiece · 24/10/2025 15:33

Why should your son have his ISA contributions stopped because he’s going to receive some compensation? It’s like cutting someone out of a will because someone else has put them in their will. I’ve never understood that.

Because the OP wants things to be more even for her DC and they only have limited funds.

Which is fairer 1 DC gets 35k and the others 5k, or one gets 32k and the others 7k?

It isn't as if she is planning to swipe the compensation and hand it over to the others. Just to use their limited savings to fund the other children who will benefit more.

PflumPfeffer · 24/10/2025 15:36

You are literally talking about robbing Peter to pay Paul.

PflumPfeffer · 24/10/2025 15:35

No I disagree with stopping his savings, that’s spending his money for him by not giving him the same you would have done. What do you then do when child B wins something or when child C starts their own business at 16? Or when child B wants to study in London which costs more, or child C gets an NHS bursary to study? It’s not child A’s fault you’ve stretched your finances significantly to have more kids than you can afford to give a proper start in life, that was your choice. Life isn’t fair and I think it’s mad to add up the pennies like this especially when it was compensation.

Catpiece · 24/10/2025 15:33

Why should your son have his ISA contributions stopped because he’s going to receive some compensation? It’s like cutting someone out of a will because someone else has put them in their will. I’ve never understood that.

TeenToTwenties · 24/10/2025 15:25

If there is no long term impact on your DS (so won't need private therapy, or be less able to work, in pain, missing fingers etc) then I am more with your DH, in evening things up by stopping contributions to his ISA and putting more in the other DCs.
Fair isn't always equal.

Zanatdy · 24/10/2025 15:22

Not the same amount but both my DC received some compensation for contracting Ecoli from a local farm age 15 months and 4yrs. DS had no symptoms but legally had to be tested due to his age so he got some compensation too. DD was quite unwell, but not hospitilised. DS is 21 now, and DD 18 in March. We haven’t evened it up no, i’d personally keep paying into all accounts.

osamu · 24/10/2025 15:22

I suppose it is fair to make sure everyone has the same amount of money to start up when they’re 18, but at the same time, the money was for dc due to illness. It’s almost like somebody giving one of your children ten pounds specifically for them. I doubt you’d make dc share the ten quid between all kids.. so to be fairest I’d say keep doing what your doing, you’re being fair to me!