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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help me be fair to my children

65 replies

Singlemum90 · 24/10/2025 15:18

So I have just got word that one of my children will be receiving £30,000 in a compensation claim (something I initiated due to an injury-not long term affecting thankfully!But nonetheless he was injured) which is fabulous news for getting started when he is older. Obviously he won't receive this until he's 18 and I can only hope that if we continue with teaching good financial awareness he will not blow this and could end up with no university fees or he could use it as a house deposit etc. So I'm very happy for him and very pleased we went for the claim.

As well as this I have been saving in a little stocks and shares ISA for him since he was younger. It has been a real goal for me to get all of my children to £5k in their ISA by the time they are 18. This would be for a 1st car or top up to student loans etc. It's not millions but if I can help them I want to.

Here's where the AIBU is, my husband thinks we should be stopping putting money into my son's ISA and upping the contributions into the other children's ISAs as obviously my son will have much more than them at the same age. I think the claim is irrelevant as I want to be fair to each child from us. It is unfortunate my son had an accident so he is entitled to that money. But I do understand that him having potentially £35k plus interest when they have £5k may create resentment.

We could even this out a little by putting more in the others and stopping his. He currently is on about £2.5k in his ISA at age 11. This will go up a small amount hopefully by 18 even by not touching it. I am worried about being fair to each child as a parent, my husband thinks we need to look at the bigger picture for them, that the son with the claim won't need what we can give him as much as his siblings will.

So what is fair? We are not rich by any means so unfortunately could never just hand £30k to the others 😂

OP posts:
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TigTails · 25/10/2025 10:11

Your son’s compensation is his, it’s not for you to decide to take it off him.

Jan039 · 24/10/2025 18:38

I think all you can do as a parent is treat all your kids equally. Your DS got this money from elsewhere, it is nothing to do with you or his siblings. To treat them all fairly you should give them all the same amount IMO.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 24/10/2025 18:35

Also your oldest son should 💯 keep all of the compensation money it is his.

Cosyblankets · 24/10/2025 18:29

What's the point of compensation if it goes to someone else?

lunar1 · 24/10/2025 18:27

Is he the father of all your children?

MoFadaCromulent · 24/10/2025 18:24

Don't.

Unless there's medical or care needs which require different treatment then treat your kids equally.

My mum split her inheritance unequally based on who had what at our stages in life and it really fucked with my head in a way I didn't expect.

muggart · 24/10/2025 18:21

Whaleandsnail6 · 24/10/2025 18:17

It must have been pretty significant and harrowing at the time to get 30k in compensation, your son was the one who went through that therefore his compensation money should be separate

I think that you should add to savings equally.

right i am also wondering how something can be worthy of a £30k payout but they can confidently say he will not feel the affects long term! If the injury required antibiotics for example that could impair his immune system as an adult. some broken bones can also be felt for decades in the future. I know of an adult who had to stop playing racquet sports because she broke her arm as a child and it caused her problems decades later.

Ryvitaandmarmite · 24/10/2025 18:21

PflumPfeffer · 24/10/2025 15:35

No I disagree with stopping his savings, that’s spending his money for him by not giving him the same you would have done. What do you then do when child B wins something or when child C starts their own business at 16? Or when child B wants to study in London which costs more, or child C gets an NHS bursary to study? It’s not child A’s fault you’ve stretched your finances significantly to have more kids than you can afford to give a proper start in life, that was your choice. Life isn’t fair and I think it’s mad to add up the pennies like this especially when it was compensation.

Edited

What a nasty comment,,,WTAF!

GAJLY · 24/10/2025 18:20

Being fair means you gift them the same amount of savings. He gets the compensation due to an injury. One of my children has similar in trust until she reaches 18. I still save up the same amount for them both. The compensation is separate and nothing to do with me.

missmollygreen · 24/10/2025 18:19

osamu · 24/10/2025 15:22

I suppose it is fair to make sure everyone has the same amount of money to start up when they’re 18, but at the same time, the money was for dc due to illness. It’s almost like somebody giving one of your children ten pounds specifically for them. I doubt you’d make dc share the ten quid between all kids.. so to be fairest I’d say keep doing what your doing, you’re being fair to me!

It is not almost like that. That is literally whats is happening? Not £10 obviously.

OP, that is a really tough decision. It doesnt seem fair to stop paying into DSs isa though

muggart · 24/10/2025 18:17

Is your son DH’s child or step child? just wondering because of your username and how you call him “my son”.

Whaleandsnail6 · 24/10/2025 18:17

It must have been pretty significant and harrowing at the time to get 30k in compensation, your son was the one who went through that therefore his compensation money should be separate

I think that you should add to savings equally.

thisishowloween · 24/10/2025 18:16

All your children should receive an equal amount in savings from you.

The compensation has absolutely nothing to do with it.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 24/10/2025 18:11

GasPanic · 24/10/2025 17:53

Yes but when people read that the only takeaway is the 50-100K value and don't realise that inflation will take a massive chunk out of that.

The value in 20 years time won't be worth that much more than 30K is now if the 30K is placed in safe investments.

Show quote history

Yes this is very true. the main point of my post though was @Singlemum90 should put the money in her own ISAs and work it out later as No one knows what the future holds.

AmethystAnnotation · 24/10/2025 18:02

His injury, his money! I'm amazed you are even asking. I'd have disowned my parents if they'd effectively shared my compensation money with my sister in those circumstances.

millymollymoomoo · 24/10/2025 17:57

i would take the 30k and split it equally and continue to save the same for both. Yes life’s not fair and their outcomes can be different in life but until they’re 18 they’re equal and share equally

SnippySnappy · 24/10/2025 17:55

Amazed at some of these responses. Your child was injured, he gets his compensation. There's no reason why you shouldn't continue to save for all of your children in their own separate accounts.
You're literally adding insult to injury if you go with your DH's plan.

GasPanic · 24/10/2025 17:53

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 24/10/2025 17:35

35k correctly invested should be 50-100k in 20 years.
This is his money and shouldn't be shared.
Equally, it can be perceived to put other sibling at a disadvantage.

If I were you.. unless you and your husband are making out your own ISA contributions each tax year (thats 40k in savings per year).. you shpuld not add to JISAs, you should fill those first.

This means
A. You can control what the cash is used for (eg. Uni fees vs. Designer trainers and a piss up in ibiza)
B. You dont need to decide who gets what right now. You have a pot you can draw down on according to fairness and need.

Edited

Yes but when people read that the only takeaway is the 50-100K value and don't realise that inflation will take a massive chunk out of that.

The value in 20 years time won't be worth that much more than 30K is now if the 30K is placed in safe investments.

JLou08 · 24/10/2025 17:46

I agree with your DH. I'd be very uncomfortable with such disparity in the money my DC get on their start to adulthood unless the accident meant that the DC wouldn't have the same earning power as his siblings.

thehugsy · 24/10/2025 17:44

BaconCheeses · 24/10/2025 17:07

You son had an actual injury which was shit for him which is why he got the money.

If you stop putting in for him then he hasn't had any compensation has he? He has just subsidised topping up his siblings pots.

This
stop seeing his compensation as a windfall

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 24/10/2025 17:35

35k correctly invested should be 50-100k in 20 years.
This is his money and shouldn't be shared.
Equally, it can be perceived to put other sibling at a disadvantage.

If I were you.. unless you and your husband are making out your own ISA contributions each tax year (thats 40k in savings per year).. you shpuld not add to JISAs, you should fill those first.

This means
A. You can control what the cash is used for (eg. Uni fees vs. Designer trainers and a piss up in ibiza)
B. You dont need to decide who gets what right now. You have a pot you can draw down on according to fairness and need.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 24/10/2025 17:28

£30k is quite a lot and I wonder if it was that much for good reason - there could be some long term implications eg trauma from the event, perhaps more likely to get arthritis or poor mobility in older age, or even health anxiety as a result of the injury? I'm which case he may well need that money for treatment, time off work etc

CopperWhite · 24/10/2025 17:27

Give them all the same. It’s the only way to avoid any resentment being directed at you.

FantasticButtocks · 24/10/2025 17:25

Also, it might help if you try to not see his compensation money as a windfall! Because that sounds like a lucky thing. It’s to compensate him for the fact he received an injury. If the others are miffed about it, it can be explained that he was injured and that was horrible. They were not injured so they are the lucky ones!

FantasticButtocks · 24/10/2025 17:21

If you want to be fair, then from parents to dcs all should continue to receive the same amount as each other. That is fairness.
The compensation is completely separate. It is compensating him for the injury he suffered. If you reduce the amount you give him, that’s very unfair, he gets penalised by his parents for having an injury and being compensated for it. The other children won’t have as much money as him - because the other children have not had to suffer the same injury.

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