I’m 37, 20 weeks pregnant with my second, and have a 19-month-old DD with my boyfriend (45). We both work full time. We’ve been together for nearly 7 years.
He does nothing around the house. No cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, or general household management. I do all of it. I also handle everything for DD, including all pick-ups, drop-offs, night wakes, feeding, and bedtime. He might drop her off once a month if I ask and it fits his schedule.
He works long hours, comes home close to midnight, and often stays up until 2–3 a.m. trading or watching porn. I’m up early with DD, working from home, juggling my job and housework, and then doing full-time parenting until bedtime.
Weekends aren’t much different, he sleeps till midday, then might play with DD while I cook or tidy, he works (few hours from home) most weekends. He’s rarely taken her out alone to give me a break (since she was born, a handful of times for 1 hour max).
Financially:
He earns twice what I do. He covers rent, bills, half the food shop, and nursery fees. I pay for DD’s clothes, food, car-related costs, nanny, health insurance, and most household items. We aren’t married (he doesn’t want to because of his childhood trauma with his parents), so his savings, investments, and pension are his alone.
A few month ago, he gave me £5k as a gift to help with a house purchase that would be in my name but for both of us to live in. The agreement was that he would live there rent-free, since he didn’t want to co-own anything or contribute to the mortgage. The £5k was meant to help with legal fees and strengthen my mortgage application.
That house purchase didn’t go through because my flat hasn’t sold yet (one bed, fully paid out, on my name. It was rented but now empty and back on the market), I’m still looking and considering various options including let to buy, and he knows that. Then two days ago, out of nowhere, I get a text from him at 8pm asking for the £5k back. I panicked and asked if everything was okay he said yes, he just needed it to cover a trading margin and “you’re an adult, you can take care of yourself.”
That line broke me. I always thought we were a partnership, that we take care of each other. I cried myself to sleep past couple of days. I feel misunderstood and unappreciated. I’ve sacrificed and continue to (as most do so I’m not special) to make this work, time, rest, social life, health, while his life hasn’t really changed.
We haven’t been on holiday in over three years, barely go out, and DD has only been to a cafe twice in her life. He’s constantly worried about losing his job, which I understand but who isn’t!
I do love him, he’s loyal (I think), clever, and loves our daughter. He does pay for a lot of stuff. But feel so alone, exhausted, and resentful.
Am I missing something? Is this fair? What would you do in my situation?