Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel holiday with DP?

34 replies

Aprilespe · 24/10/2025 12:16

I've been with DP 5 years, and I have a 19yo DS.

The past 2 years have been tough for DS, he's struggled with his mental health for years and has since been diagnosed with BPD also known as EUPD, he had a 3 month section last year from May-August and then was sectioned from November-July this year, then a few weeks after being discharged was sectioned again and was discharged at the end of last month. He was in hospital for both his 18th and 19th birthdays.

While he was sectioned he was still self harming and was put on a 1:1 supervision, I was constantly worrying about him, he didn't want me visiting because he thought I was out to get him which was part of the psychosis and him being so unwell but it did still hurt and we aren't that close still even now. The hospital also has added more trauma to him as some friends he made ended their lives and other friends he talks to they seem to egg each other on, talking about section 136’s etc.

He seemed to be doing okay upon discharge though, he is on anti depressants and antipsychoctics medication and he seemed really positive, he wanted to get a job and eventually study and go to uni etc. But this past week he's been similar to how he used to be, he ended up punching a wall not to be aggressive but to hurt himself because he has no access to anything sharp, he's ended up breaking his hand. Then last night he went out and turned his phone off and I ended up reporting it to the police. He came back a few hours later and said he just wanted time on his own.

DP booked a holiday a few months ago for us. It's next week but after last night and how DS has been I don't feel comfortable leaving him, I've told DP this and it caused a row and he said DS is manipulative and did it because he knows I was going away and if I went he wouldn't do anything, it’d be all talk but I beg to differ, he's had many suicide attempts and I don't think they were “all talk”.

We did go on holiday whilst he was sectioned too so it's not like we haven't had any time together.

But AIBU? Am I really “babying” DS as he says?

OP posts:
Helpless25 · 24/10/2025 13:29

Sounds like you’re in a very similar situation to us at the moment. I’ve cancelled three holidays in the last 18 months. No way could I go away, relax and enjoy myself knowing what DS is going through.
it is frustrating and I do feel resentful at times but it is what it is.
Hopefully you have travel insurance and can claim on that (although speaking from experience it’s a real pain to do so) or would your DP go on his own/with someone else?

Nestingbirds · 24/10/2025 13:24

What the actual hell. Your dp is clearly completely checked out to suggest your son is somehow doing this deliberately. I am not sure I could have someone like this in my life with such a vulnerable adult. Please tell me your ds hasn’t been around when your dp is saying this?

Your son is seriously ill, and needs to be prioritised. It might be in a few months he is stabilised, of course you can’t just leave him. He is still very young.

Self harn is a coping strategy not attention seeking.

I would cancel the trip and consider whether your dp can meet your needs and offer you the support and understanding you require atm.

I hope your son is okay op.

Ponderingwindow · 24/10/2025 13:24

There may come a point where you have to say that your son’s problems are his own and you can’t build your entire life around him. You aren’t there yet.

Two years and only being 19 is not that long in terms of getting control of BPD. For you this is just another parenting era like the newborn stage or puberty.

With any luck, your son will find the right treatment in the next few years and you will all get back to normalcy. If that doesn’t happen, then you can start making decisions about doing things like taking holidays regardless of the latest crisis.

Danioyellow · 24/10/2025 13:23

I can see both sides really. If your son was serious about self harming, or worse, you being on holiday will not make a difference. Also his mental health issues have been bad for years and from the sounds of it are just getting worse, you could be in this cycle for potentially many more years, even decades, will you never have another holiday or break? Is his actual dad around to stay with him, or another family member?

TheBlueUser · 24/10/2025 13:13

OP this sounds really really tough, I have a family member with a similar situation with her daughter (although the worst of it was a few years ago and the daughter is more stable now but still not well).

Has he stopped taking any of his medication? My family members daughter used to often stop taking her medication when she felt she was doing well, thinking maybe she didn't need it anymore.

It sounds like you wont be able to relax and enjoy yourself on holiday, which will likely mean your DP doesn't enjoy himself either, so I would say its best to postpone the holiday.

I hope things improve for you son soon, its really hard for everyone involved when your mind is working against you.

Goodadvice1980 · 24/10/2025 12:50

OP do you believe your ds did it deliberately to stop you going away?

Arregaithel · 24/10/2025 12:49

This may be of use for you all @Aprilespe

Especially the "setting limits" section.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 24/10/2025 12:24

When my teen dd had taken 2 od's we postponed a trip. Can you reword it as postponed..?
Just because your ds is an adult shouldn't mean you switch off to his struggles imo.
Your dp isn't being sensitive or supportive of you. Never mind of ds.

ClarissR · 24/10/2025 12:20

Nobody’s in the wrong here, really. You have to cancel it because you won’t be able to relax otherwise, but I can understand your DP’s frustration.