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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel holiday with DP?

34 replies

Aprilespe · 24/10/2025 12:16

I've been with DP 5 years, and I have a 19yo DS.

The past 2 years have been tough for DS, he's struggled with his mental health for years and has since been diagnosed with BPD also known as EUPD, he had a 3 month section last year from May-August and then was sectioned from November-July this year, then a few weeks after being discharged was sectioned again and was discharged at the end of last month. He was in hospital for both his 18th and 19th birthdays.

While he was sectioned he was still self harming and was put on a 1:1 supervision, I was constantly worrying about him, he didn't want me visiting because he thought I was out to get him which was part of the psychosis and him being so unwell but it did still hurt and we aren't that close still even now. The hospital also has added more trauma to him as some friends he made ended their lives and other friends he talks to they seem to egg each other on, talking about section 136’s etc.

He seemed to be doing okay upon discharge though, he is on anti depressants and antipsychoctics medication and he seemed really positive, he wanted to get a job and eventually study and go to uni etc. But this past week he's been similar to how he used to be, he ended up punching a wall not to be aggressive but to hurt himself because he has no access to anything sharp, he's ended up breaking his hand. Then last night he went out and turned his phone off and I ended up reporting it to the police. He came back a few hours later and said he just wanted time on his own.

DP booked a holiday a few months ago for us. It's next week but after last night and how DS has been I don't feel comfortable leaving him, I've told DP this and it caused a row and he said DS is manipulative and did it because he knows I was going away and if I went he wouldn't do anything, it’d be all talk but I beg to differ, he's had many suicide attempts and I don't think they were “all talk”.

We did go on holiday whilst he was sectioned too so it's not like we haven't had any time together.

But AIBU? Am I really “babying” DS as he says?

OP posts:
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Whaleandsnail6 · 25/10/2025 09:11

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 25/10/2025 05:30

Honestly I don’t think anyone is wrong this whole situation is sad for everyone involved with you being pulled multiple ways.

While your DP is wrong to just expect you to leave your DS , I do get why he feels frustrated about everything and he should be concerned about his girls - sorry you are wrong there - the fact your DS doesn’t talk to them is also toxic and making a weird home environment for them.

Can you and your DP stop living together - you don’t need to break up but stop living together so you can both focus on your kids. I really think you are between a rock and a hard place with to your DS right now … big hugs

I agree with this.

You need to prioritise you son, dh needs to prioritise his daughters.

Ok, so they weren't around when he punched the wall,they could be next time he self harms, and even the worry and stress of him disappearing or struggling with his emotions, they will pick up on and it makes for a difficult home environment.

I think dh should go on holiday with his daughters and on return one of you should move out. Then maybe once things are more settled, you both need to reassess your relationship

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 25/10/2025 05:30

Honestly I don’t think anyone is wrong this whole situation is sad for everyone involved with you being pulled multiple ways.

While your DP is wrong to just expect you to leave your DS , I do get why he feels frustrated about everything and he should be concerned about his girls - sorry you are wrong there - the fact your DS doesn’t talk to them is also toxic and making a weird home environment for them.

Can you and your DP stop living together - you don’t need to break up but stop living together so you can both focus on your kids. I really think you are between a rock and a hard place with to your DS right now … big hugs

LifeSucksBigFatBalls · 25/10/2025 03:35

If your partner doesnt feel that his children are safe
He can move out
Your son needs you

Nestingbirds · 25/10/2025 03:06

I have no idea why dp woukd even ask you to holiday with his children when your own child is in such a bad way. He is coming across as very selfish. Clearly it’s not in the best interests of you or your son.

If he doesn’t want his dc around your son, fine, he can move out. Your son needs you, even if he is struggling to communicate that to you atm.

Under normal circumstances a holiday might be a welcome break, but it is unlikely to be that someone else’s teen children, and your own son stiuck at home self harming.

I couldn’t enjoy a holiday leaving my child behind in crisis, and I would be really angry with any expectations that I might go anyway.

Your dp really doesn’t care about your ds, and doesn’t even pretend to now.

Original poster
Aprilespe · 24/10/2025 22:22

His DD’s are 11 and 7, DS doesn't talk to them because he's in his room most of the time, on the odd occasion where they speak to him he does answer them but he never starts the conversation with them. He doesn't really talk to us either.

I have told DP to go on his own with his DD’s but he isn't happy with that either, he just expects me to leave DS

OP posts:
pteromum · 24/10/2025 21:37

No I wouldn’t go OP.
and the bottom line is because YOU don’t want to. And why should you?

DP input here is red flags for me. Perhaps unfairly, but why would you as a parent leave your unwell child to holiday with his.

do you need a break? Absolutely yes.

but not like this.

In order to protect you and then your child, start putting you first.

Perhaps a rest from everyone is what you need.

I hope you are ok, the most awful thing x

Bushmillsbabe · 24/10/2025 19:37

Aprilespe · 24/10/2025 19:12

The girls aren't in any danger, when they're here DS doesn't even talk to them. They weren't exposed to him punching the wall either.

How old are they, and why doesn't he talk to them? It must be challenging for them too. Even if he isn't any risk to them, living with someone who doesn't talk to you can be quite uncomfortable - from experience it's hard for everyone to live with someone with complex mental health needs, always walking on eggshells, looking for symptoms, trying best not to trigger them - maybe your DP wants needs some time with his DD's where does not have to do that. Whilst also appreciating that you couldn't relax leaving DS on his own. Could he just take his DD's?

CrazyGoatLady · 24/10/2025 19:23

Aprilespe · 24/10/2025 19:12

The girls aren't in any danger, when they're here DS doesn't even talk to them. They weren't exposed to him punching the wall either.

It's still valid for him not to want someone who is regularly so dysregulated they self harm and punch walls around his children, sorry OP. Even if he isn't a direct risk to them, that behaviour can be frightening for younger ones to witness.

Original poster
Aprilespe · 24/10/2025 19:12

The girls aren't in any danger, when they're here DS doesn't even talk to them. They weren't exposed to him punching the wall either.

OP posts:
Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 24/10/2025 16:58

I think you're doing the right thing. Your son sounds very vulnerable.

I can see why DP is annoyed, and I can see why you don't want to go. Both things can be true. I would try to listen to him and make it clear you understand how difficult this is for him too.

No5ChalksRoad · 24/10/2025 16:52

Nestingbirds · 24/10/2025 13:24

What the actual hell. Your dp is clearly completely checked out to suggest your son is somehow doing this deliberately. I am not sure I could have someone like this in my life with such a vulnerable adult. Please tell me your ds hasn’t been around when your dp is saying this?

Your son is seriously ill, and needs to be prioritised. It might be in a few months he is stabilised, of course you can’t just leave him. He is still very young.

Self harn is a coping strategy not attention seeking.

I would cancel the trip and consider whether your dp can meet your needs and offer you the support and understanding you require atm.

I hope your son is okay op.

All of this.

I would think a son takes precedence over a boyfriend.

Dacatspjs · 24/10/2025 16:44

Aprilespe · 24/10/2025 16:28

I'm not minimising his behaviour, but he was self harming, not being aggressive or trying to threaten/intimidate anyone like DP is trying to make out.

DP’s children are here 50/50. It's a UK holiday and DP booked it when DS was in hospital and he didn't invite him but he could go (there's a spare room), but when I told him he could come he said he doesn't want to go.

We went away during the Easter holidays abroad when DS was in hospital, I wasn't totally comfortable at going because he was getting worse and while he was “safe” in hospital but at the same time he was still self harming but DP persuaded me to go because there was nothing I could do here and he was refusing to see me anyway but I still worried about him the whole time, even though he was ok

I think you still need to accept that someone capable of this behaviour isn't someone that you would want around young girls. It isn't the kind of thing you would want your kids exposed to, and quite frankly the girls mum could very reasonably use it as evidence to change the amount of access he has to them.

I don't think you are helping yourself by not acknowledging when he has a reasonable concern.

You can feel sympathy and concern for someone self harming, without wanting them around your children

Original poster
Aprilespe · 24/10/2025 16:28

I'm not minimising his behaviour, but he was self harming, not being aggressive or trying to threaten/intimidate anyone like DP is trying to make out.

DP’s children are here 50/50. It's a UK holiday and DP booked it when DS was in hospital and he didn't invite him but he could go (there's a spare room), but when I told him he could come he said he doesn't want to go.

We went away during the Easter holidays abroad when DS was in hospital, I wasn't totally comfortable at going because he was getting worse and while he was “safe” in hospital but at the same time he was still self harming but DP persuaded me to go because there was nothing I could do here and he was refusing to see me anyway but I still worried about him the whole time, even though he was ok

OP posts:
Outnumbered1983 · 24/10/2025 16:19

I can understand DP being frustrated, but I personally wouldn’t be able to go and leave DS in such a vulnerable state. You won’t be able to relax and will worry constantly.

Nestingbirds · 24/10/2025 15:28

Arregaithel · 24/10/2025 15:22

"when DS punched the wall last week he accused him of being violent and didn't want him around his DD’s"

Even with your son's diagnosis, minimising his behaviour, is not really helpful @Aprilespe, I agree with @MMO

Punching a wall is an act of violence and I understand your partner's concern for his girls.

He was nowhere near them and was an act of self harm, not violence towards himself not others.

Dp seems to be perfectly happy when your son is in hospital but doesn’t want to have much to do with him. I think this is grossly unfair. I would not be happy with his attitude to your son op.

Do the girls live with you? I think you do need to focus on your own child. Was he invited on holiday? Given it’s a family holiday.

Arregaithel · 24/10/2025 15:22

"when DS punched the wall last week he accused him of being violent and didn't want him around his DD’s"

Even with your son's diagnosis, minimising his behaviour, is not really helpful @Aprilespe, I agree with @MMO

Punching a wall is an act of violence and I understand your partner's concern for his girls.

Original poster
Aprilespe · 24/10/2025 15:13

No, I don't believe DS deliberately did it, he didn't realise that I would've been worried.

Partner hasn't been that supportive since DS has been discharged, when DS punched the wall last week he accused him of being violent and didn't want him around his DD’s, he wasn't being violent or aggressive or trying to threaten anyone DS was the only person in his room and he admitted he wanted to hurt himself (though obviously didn't think he'd break his hand).

I would worry the whole time if I went even if he was fine, I've suggested he and his DC go alone but that isn't good enough.

He's spent more time in hospital than out this past year and I don't think i’d feel comfortable leaving him this soon

OP posts:
MMO · 24/10/2025 14:47

I'm a parent and a mental health nurse who deals with people with EUPD daily.......I stand by what I said.

Nestingbirds · 24/10/2025 14:12

MMO · 24/10/2025 13:44

Id go on holiday if I was in your position. Unfortunately with a diagnosis like your son has, the more emphasis you put on you being responsible for his behaviours the worse it will get. He needs reminding that as an adult he is responsible for his actions and yes it's difficult to live with the challenges that EUPD pose but he needs to take accountability and ensure he's engaging with any and all ways to keep well. Is he under a community mental health team?

He is 19! Barely an adult and very unwell. If you would just leave your child in crisis then that says everything about the kind of parent you are..

BoredZelda · 24/10/2025 14:03

It doesn’t matter whether he thinks your son would be ok or not, it matters whether you would feel comfortable being away or not. If your partner can’t understand that, he isn’t the one for you.

MMO · 24/10/2025 13:44

Id go on holiday if I was in your position. Unfortunately with a diagnosis like your son has, the more emphasis you put on you being responsible for his behaviours the worse it will get. He needs reminding that as an adult he is responsible for his actions and yes it's difficult to live with the challenges that EUPD pose but he needs to take accountability and ensure he's engaging with any and all ways to keep well. Is he under a community mental health team?

Edinburghdaze · 24/10/2025 13:39

No way would I go on holiday in these circumstances. Your son needs you right now whereas your partner can cope with missing / postponing a holiday.

His lack of empathy would put me off him as well.

Dacatspjs · 24/10/2025 13:36

I think you'd be right to not go on the holiday, you'd never forgive yourself if your so hurt himself whilst you were away. Equally I think you need to be prepared that this might end your relationship, it sounds incredibly tough and frustrating for your partner

TheresGoingToBeAMoidur · 24/10/2025 13:35

I can understand your dp being disappointed, but he's being a prick about it. Does he have children of his own? Does he understand the parenting instinct?

Your ds has only really just come out of hospital and it's batshit to expect him to suddenly function normally. He'll need a lot of support for a long time, yet. There's nothing wrong with postponing the holiday until a more stable time for your ds, or when another trusted person can be around him while you're away.

Anditstartedagain · 24/10/2025 13:32

It maybe that the thought of you going away is what pushed him over the edge but that would be another sign that you shouldn’t go. I agree with a PP, if you went away you won’t enjoy it.

Have you contact your DS’s mental health team to share you concerns that things are getting worse?

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