When did you start feeling “invisible” as you got older?

Why don’t you ask ChatGPT?

A stranger said they liked my hair today. Def not invisible.

Another colours fan here and I completely agree with you. When I was younger I wore a lot of blacks, greys and muted blues in an attempt to avoid unkind attention from men (see earlier post about name calling due to being conventionally very unattractive).

Now I am thankfully invisible to that kind of audience, I will wear the colours I love and feel happy in. I like rich colours for winter, dark greens, burgundy or purples; and pink/pale blue/yellow in summer. I've got some multi-coloured/patchwork jackets for autumn/spring.

I don't give a hoot if some 20 year old thinks I'm 'desperate to be seen'. I am cosy and secure in my invisibility cloak.😊

I wonder what it is that makes some people invisible and others not.
I cannot relate to any part of what your experience is.

Bloody hell OP, it wasn’t until I was in my 50’s and then I only noticed it when I was no longer not being noticed by men, no one else. Now I’m in my 60’s people still apologise for bumping into to me and service staff still make eye contact. I think this is a ‘you’ issue with confidence.

Anyone who misses that leering arseholery, especially after a certain age is lacking something going on upstairs.

I completely agree but my newly acquired invisibility extends way beyond that. It’s shop assistants, baristas, it happens in all kinds of settings. In addition I get patronised by young women at the hairdressers, at beauty counters, clothes shops and when I go for a massage. It’s precisely because there’s still plenty going on upstairs that it’s so infuriating. I’m happy not to be visible as a sexual object anymore but I’m still a fully functional person.

OP do you mean invisible just to men because I think from your post you mean everyone?

Speaking as someone in their early fifties who looks younger and is very athletic, it depends. In my 30s and 40s I was working for big corporations and was getting regular male attention here (London UK) and abroad and while some was flattering some was creepy and annoying so it’s a double edged sword. I worked in Paris for a while and was shocked at the behaviour of men in the office there. I wasn’t overlooked at work by either sex from a professional pov. I’m self employed now since my late forties so not out and about so much now or in a work place with others as I work from home.

in my leisure time, I find I get more attention from men abroad rather than in the U.K., but being cat called at by men hanging out of a car window in Budapest or chatted up in Istanbul doesn’t really do much for me.

i do see and experience though that when people know my age they treat me very differently. Here’s one example.

When I had just turned 50 a cold caller knocked on our front door. He was from a local charity offering services for the over 50s. We live in a village with a high proportion of middle aged and elderley residents and this charity does quite a lot locally. When the caller saw me when I opened the door he looked really shocked and very apologetically said “oh I’m very sorry im from X calling about X support scheme for the over fifties and you’re clearly not nearly there yet so I’ll leave you be” and he left and carried on knocking along our street. I felt chuffed and I did do a little happy dance after I’d shut the door, I won’t lie!

Conversely, when I had my first NHS mammogram at 50, the 20 something female carrying it out was very very patronising. She spoke to me like I was a doddery old lady in my nineties. She didn’t look at me directly the whole time she carried out the mammo. “It’s alright I won’t let you fall over, I’ve not lost anyone yet” she said in a super condescending tone when I had to balance a bit in position. She said it like I was stupid and deaf as well as infirm, no eye contact and I got the feeling she just said the same exact thing all day long to all “the old crumblies over 50” she has to see. I wasn’t having a problem with standing correctly and I look very sporty physically. I said “It’s alright I’ve been kick boxing since my twenties, standing and balancing isn’t an issue thanks”, I don’t think it even registered with her, I felt completely invisible and totally insignificant.

I am 55 and perfectly visible. I have not gone colourful nor (as far as I know) changed aspects of myself. I don't get ignored in the workplace or out and about. I only noticed a difference in male attention when I became single.

I'm an older woman who likes colour and it's not an attempt to be seen. Quite the opposite.

It's the freedom to fully inhabit yourself, to enjoy the fun of colour and pleasing yourself.

It's the joy of getting to a stage in life where you don't feel you have to conform with convention, fashion or society's expectation of you.

It's a two fingers up to the dictates of class, style or what is seen as necessary to attract the fucking pointless, indiscriminate, tedious, judging male gaze.

I've never really wanted to be seen, especially by men.
Anyone who misses that leering arseholery, especially after a certain age is lacking something going on upstairs.

Not yet, not at all, the leery stuff is out but that’s great.

59 and not invisible at all

I'd always had a lot of male attention but become somewhat invisible as I turned 45. Spreading midriff, jowls and not the best hair cut.

Last year, I lost 3 stones on Mounjaro, got a better pixie cut in a brighter blonde and voila I'm very visible again. On the one hand it's sobering how superficial we are, but on the other hand it's rather heartening too.

Oh no. I believe you and that sounds really annoying. I am your height so the same may well happen to me. I wonder if 70y men become invisible.

I’d have said exactly that at 55 and I got another 15 years of visibility after that. I’ve become invisible after turning 70 - and not in a good way. I’m sick and tired of having to draw attention to my presence in bars and shops. I’m 5’ 2” and most people seem to look straight over my head. It’s not just invisibility either, it’s astonishing how many young women seem to think it’s appropriate to patronise me these days. Fucking infuriating.

I am 63 and don't feel invisible at all. Never have.

I'm not saying I miss it but I notice it is diminishing. I also note that my male colleagues are more likely to listen to younger women as they were me 5-10 years ago and I think that's all basically because they want to sleep with them. Now I'm the difficult woman in the room rather than the young one they want to be seen to be encouraging.

About 35. I’ve never been objectively attractive so once the ‘bloom of youth’ - (ie I was no longer surrounded by blokes my own age who would try to get their leg over with anything with a pulse) wore off, I became completely invisible to everyone, man or woman.

I’m 54 now so its been a while sine I’ve felt ‘seen’.

I always find this concept bizarre...

I don't, and never have, measured my worth by how attractive or not men find me!

I have no interest in random men staring at me.

I have a good amount of self-esteem and I always expect to be treated correctly by people and I know how to assert myself.

I am 54. I dress to please myself and could not care less about what others think of my appearance. Bliss.

I have never been invisible and have no intention of being so. I am 55 and have aged pretty well without needing any botox etc. I dress stylishly, am confident, and smile a lot. I don’t feel invisible to men or women. Nothing to do with sexual attractiveness, and I have never been a beauty. I just believe in myself and am good company and can talk to anyone.

49 here and very much visible.

If you’re feeling ‘invisible’ it’s not because you’re in your early 30s.

I agree that objectifying women happens to old and young alike. It is systemic and nothing to do with individuals, how old or young they are, what they wear etc. Whether men look you up and down does not really matter if you live in a patriarchal/mysoginistic society where your value, and access to resources, depends only on how attractive you look.

It doesn't happen to me, but I think it's down to confidence more than anything, and years of being made to feel like I should be invisible by an abusive ex so I'm determined not to be.

Weight gain and dressing shabbily was the cloak of invisibility for me. I felt I became invisible in my early 30s after gaining a lot of weight. I wasn't dressing well because I thought it's temporary and I will shift it so didn't want to spend on a new wardrobe (well, I didn't).

I'm now nearly 40 and dress better. I feel like I'm either ignored by young people (under 25) or get 'gentle' eye contact as if I remind them of their mother or a teacher. I sometimes get flirty/interested eye contact from men over 65 which I find amusing. I think I get friendly 'solidarity' type of eye contact from women 50+ which I love.

I do like being not harassed by men as much, it used to make me so self conscious feeling watched I would get so shaky and uncomfortable with knots in my stomach. Their stares were so creepy.

When I hear of gorgeous celebrities getting cheated on, it reminds me that male attention is unreliable and transient and shouldn't be used as a yardstick for our self-worth or beauty. So now my focus is to lose weight for my health and to keep dressing better for my here and now self because this body deserves it, even if it's no longer getting lustful glares from men 😆😂and thank God for that!

I don't doubt this is a thing at all OP, I'm in my early 40s and men no longer honk their horns and shout things out car windows at me.

The barging into you is concerning, I've never been particularly attractive but I've very rarely been barged in the street, and just for context I'm sight impaired so do have a few close misses. Given your age as well, do you think your 'drawing yourself in' ie making yourself small, not looking up, not making eye contact (I always try to do this even though I can't make out the eyes!).

It’s always interesting on these ‘invisible’ threads that lots of women deny the experience and claim that it doesn’t happen to them. There is a defensiveness and a suggestion that it only happens to wallflower beige women who deserve it for not asserting themselves.

This is all self soothing bollocks.

The fact of the matter is that once a woman ceases to become fuckable, whatever that means, she ceases to be relevant to the majority of men. And by ingrained patriarchal values, that loss of power means she does to young women too.

I’m not a silent wallflower but I once had a whole queue of people served at a till in front of me and once it was my turn to be served they closed it. I stood there with my full basket completely confused and then the lightbulb ‘…ah I’m in invisible’. I’ve stood in a long empty supermarket aisle looking at something and a worker placed a full cage in front of my face. Again he didn’t even see me standing there.

I’ve got a thousand examples of being talked over and at by men (although generally I won’t let them get away with it), not been seen at a bar before men get served, and ignored in various situations.

Ultimately now I enjoy it. It’s a superpower. You can do what you like and nobody notices. It’s a real shock now when I’m out and about and someone actually gives me eye contact and engages. Especially younger people. How wonderful that is, to be seen authentically for even a moment.