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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it right women do more?

184 replies

NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 22:49

Please go gently.

I’ve been asking my husband to help me with housework since we met almost 5 years ago. He does ‘help’ sometimes, but he never does it fully. Ie the area/room is partly clean, there’s always more for me to do.

For me, doing things for each other is
important. I want him to find things clean and tidy. You can imagine after 5 years, it’s disappointing me, that I never find it as clean and tidy as I left it, and he never fully cleans an area for me. It’s always me.

He says he ‘can’t see it fully.’ ‘It’s not a priority’ he’s ‘doing his best.’

He’s also now saying that as he’s starting a business soon (going full-time in a week) he can’t do the business if he has to clean. I said this isn’t about the business, you’ve always been like this in a salaried role. You leave things for me to do.

It seems I have two choices: be submissive and accept it / or keep trying to make him understand. The latter isn’t working. I haven’t got extremely high standards, I would just like it left clean and tidy for me, as I do for him.

Example, I cleaned the kitchen earlier, it took 25 minutes. I’d just like him to do that for me, like sometimes, or ever. He says he can’t, it would take him 1 hour. He’s a genuinely nice person, but I just don’t think all this is right. We have a 1 year old baby.

Id genuinely like to know, please:
**
YABU - women do have to do more, male partners aren’t good at this. You shouldn’t keep asking him and accept it.
**
YANBU - he should do it fully sometimes, it’s not for you to always do

Thank you

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 24/10/2025 00:00

NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:46

@gamerchick I get it.. I didn’t see it as ‘help’ before, but after 5 years of saying the same, it’s got to this point. I just don’t know what to do.

The worst is recently when I’ve tried to talk to him, I will say this, and he starts saying he can’t do the business then, if I’m not supportive etc etc, if I expect him to clean, tidy. I’ve said that’s ridiculous, of course you can. It takes say 20-25 minutes. But he says he can’t. Then has sent me salaried job descriptions, saying he’ll just have to do this, if I’m not supportive.

I don’t know how to get through.

Oh my god say yes get a salaried job, if that’s what it takes to be a partner and a dad as well. You are literally standing there saying I cannot be a partner or a dad while running my business so obviously you shouldn’t be running a business, or do you think we’re optional in your life? I’m feeling pretty fucking optional to you.

Original poster
NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:58

He’ll put the recycling in the wrong containers, or the kitchen work surface poorly cleaned, or tumble everything in the cupboard.

And I keep saying, everything you do poorly you leave for me to do, please can you do it fully. But it doesn’t happen.

Sorry to keep adding, but different things keep coming to mind.

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 23/10/2025 23:58

NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:54

The other thing is, I feel pressure to organise our holidays, spend time with his family (literally pressuring to do that - we’re not in the same country and I don’t easily speak their language, so I can’t spend time with them alone.)

I feel like they probably think I’m rubbish, not present enough with them, but they probably don’t realise it’s not an even split, I’m just trying to keep up with everything

Don’t. Say firmly you have dumped the home load on me, I need some recharge time, I am not a machine; and I won’t be going to x with your family. Something in my life needs to give, you leave it all on me then expect me to socialise with your family like I’m not overloaded. Not happening.

99bottlesofkombucha · 23/10/2025 23:55

Very kindly, very gently (while thinking fuck you you lazy selfish fucking toad) say cleaning a kitchen isn’t hard, from now on every Thursday im going to direct you how to do it and I know if you try you can get it down to under 30 minutes. It will be great practice for your business to learn a new skill that you had thought was simply impossible, and also a huge step in your marriage for me feeling cared for, as I’m worried I will feel the opposite of cared for with this business plan where you will expect loads and loads of support and give me none at all back. People who run businesses also parent and look after their house you know,they eat food and wear clothes and don’t have 24/7 servants on hand, nor do you. I am going to be married to a competent adult, and our baby is going to see both parents able to do housework.

Original poster
NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:54

The other thing is, I feel pressure to organise our holidays, spend time with his family (literally pressuring to do that - we’re not in the same country and I don’t easily speak their language, so I can’t spend time with them alone.)

I feel like they probably think I’m rubbish, not present enough with them, but they probably don’t realise it’s not an even split, I’m just trying to keep up with everything

OP posts:
Original poster
NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:50

The other thing is, sure, I could try to do all for a while more, while he does this business.

But I’ll be getting more and more resentful. I’ve explained this. I don’t want this. I don’t want our relationship to suffer. That’s why I’m trying to get through.

OP posts:
Original poster
NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:46

@gamerchick I get it.. I didn’t see it as ‘help’ before, but after 5 years of saying the same, it’s got to this point. I just don’t know what to do.

The worst is recently when I’ve tried to talk to him, I will say this, and he starts saying he can’t do the business then, if I’m not supportive etc etc, if I expect him to clean, tidy. I’ve said that’s ridiculous, of course you can. It takes say 20-25 minutes. But he says he can’t. Then has sent me salaried job descriptions, saying he’ll just have to do this, if I’m not supportive.

I don’t know how to get through.

OP posts:
Ladamesansmerci · 23/10/2025 23:44

HoskinsChoice · 23/10/2025 23:30

In that case I'm on his side, I'd expect you to do all the cleaning if you're part time and he's full time. If you go back to work full time, at that point you need to sit down and decide who does what. Draw up a rota if necessary. And stop talking about him 'helping' you. Housework needs doing for the household generally including your kid/s. He won't be helping you, he will simply be splitting the workload to provide a decent home for your child/ren.

Show quote history

Lol I'm sorry what? OP also works large part of the week. And looking after a one year old is a full time task. OP will naturally do more of the housework due to being home more (maybe like a 60-40 split), but working full time does not opt you out of chores.

OP, ofc it's not unreasonable to expect him to clean up after himself in the kitchen and do some cleaning.

Stop doing things for him. Don't do his washing. Don't do his tea. Don't clean his plates. Let him crack on with it, and he'll realise how much you do. He'll suddenly miraculously 'see it' when he has no clean clothes or dishes for his food.

Tiswa · 23/10/2025 23:43

HoskinsChoice · 23/10/2025 23:30

In that case I'm on his side, I'd expect you to do all the cleaning if you're part time and he's full time. If you go back to work full time, at that point you need to sit down and decide who does what. Draw up a rota if necessary. And stop talking about him 'helping' you. Housework needs doing for the household generally including your kid/s. He won't be helping you, he will simply be splitting the workload to provide a decent home for your child/ren.

Show quote history

Oh ffs no working 2 extra days does not mean no cleaning

it means a 70/30 split because that is proportionate and fair

splitting the workload isn’t him going I work five days everything else is in you

gamerchick · 23/10/2025 23:42

NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:02

Yes, this worries me. Also the financial side of paying attention to details. But there doesn’t seem more I can do.

Not paying attention to detail or ‘seeing things’ is the opposite to me, so how can you reason with someone on that. They just say ‘they can’t see.’

I don’t see any option that him doing the business. I just hope it works. I also don’t want him to blame me, if it doesn’t work.. because I was asking for help sometimes. So maybe I just suck it up for a year (the cleaning etc) and hope it all works.

Id also honestly like to be thinking about having a second child (given my age as well, not so much time) but it may be tricky with the business.

He has done a lot of prep and is passionate about it. I just wish he could clean and tidy fully sometimes, so I don’t have to.

Whats odd, is he is a very reasonable person, he just doesn’t seem to be able to see it 🤷‍♀️

I wonder if most women have this problem, and the way we survive is just be doing it. Sounds silly, but I had short relationships before being married and was close to friends, mainly female. I never realised how much more women seem to do and how amazing they actually are.

The way you blatantly see it as your job and he needs to 'help' is grating on me reading it OP. No wonder he's taking the piss.

It's NOT HELP. He lives there, he's half responsible for it.

Why should he do anything when he knows you'll do it?

Tell him you want a relationship with a fully functional adult and he's not one. So maybe seperate houses is the way to go.

Then he can live in his own filth and maybe you can see your worth.

Original poster
NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:39

@HoskinsChoice sorry to add. You wouldn’t expect anything at all, cleaning and tidying wise, unless we’re both full-time? Nothing?

OP posts:
Original poster
NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:35

HoskinsChoice · 23/10/2025 23:30

In that case I'm on his side, I'd expect you to do all the cleaning if you're part time and he's full time. If you go back to work full time, at that point you need to sit down and decide who does what. Draw up a rota if necessary. And stop talking about him 'helping' you. Housework needs doing for the household generally including your kid/s. He won't be helping you, he will simply be splitting the workload to provide a decent home for your child/ren.

Show quote history

Thank you @HoskinsChoice for your thoughts.

So you think he should never, ever leave things clean for me, as I do for him? I should always clean, tidy, cook, DIY because I work 3 days a week and look after our baby for 2 days a week?

And before when I worked 5 days a week, and it was the same, how can that be explained?

The problem that is taking me over the edge is that he never does it. It’s so ungenerous to me.

OP posts:
HoskinsChoice · 23/10/2025 23:30

NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:23

I’m currently working 3 days a week and childcare 2 days a week, but may increase work days.

But it’s always been like this, even when we were both 5 days a week one year ago.

Im asking if he could sometimes leave things clean and tidy for me, as I do for him. Not always worse for me.

Show quote history

In that case I'm on his side, I'd expect you to do all the cleaning if you're part time and he's full time. If you go back to work full time, at that point you need to sit down and decide who does what. Draw up a rota if necessary. And stop talking about him 'helping' you. Housework needs doing for the household generally including your kid/s. He won't be helping you, he will simply be splitting the workload to provide a decent home for your child/ren.

Original poster
NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:23

HoskinsChoice · 23/10/2025 23:19

Do you work? If so is it full time or part time?

I’m currently working 3 days a week and childcare 2 days a week, but may increase work days.

But it’s always been like this, even when we were both 5 days a week one year ago.

Im asking if he could sometimes leave things clean and tidy for me, as I do for him. Not always worse for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:21

He does other things, like I was ill and he looked after our baby all day.

But not the other things.

OP posts:
Purplerubberducky · 23/10/2025 23:20

ForZanyAquaViewer · 23/10/2025 22:57

YABU for:

  • Calling it ‘help’, as though domestic labour is a favour he does you.
  • Even considering sexist tripe like women do have to do more, male partners aren’t good at this
  • Being in a relationship with someone who clearly doesn’t respect you.
  • Thinking he’s a genuinely nice person.
  • Thinking that ‘be submissive and accept it / or keep trying to make him understand’ are your only options.

This!

HoskinsChoice · 23/10/2025 23:19

Do you work? If so is it full time or part time?

Original poster
NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:15

TheaBrandt1 · 23/10/2025 23:12

He sounds like a right twat. Not getting “nice” vibes from him despite your protestations. Dh is a high earner with a big job and does his share of house drudge because I’m not actually his maid 🙄

Yes, my DH has been a high earner.

And I keep saying this too.. are you trying to force me to be submissive, to clean more. And he just says he ‘can’t see it.’ 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Do you share cleaning, cooking, tidying, DIY 50/50?

OP posts:
Original poster
NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:13

TheSmallAssassin · 23/10/2025 23:04

How can he be a genuinely nice person if he's happy for you to clean up after him? Incompetence is so unattractive! My husband manages to do his fair share, competently and willingly, it's not a male/female thing.

I agree. I’m not sure what to say really. He has good qualities, but this isn’t one.

OP posts:
InterestedDad37 · 23/10/2025 23:13

No, you don't have to put up with it. Go on strike till he gets the message. Seriously.

TheaBrandt1 · 23/10/2025 23:12

He sounds like a right twat. Not getting “nice” vibes from him despite your protestations. Dh is a high earner with a big job and does his share of house drudge because I’m not actually his maid 🙄

Original poster
NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:11

Tiswa · 23/10/2025 23:06

No you shouldn’t have to ask him

Show quote history

Sorry, what I mean is, she meant I shouldn’t ask him - I should just do it all. I was shocked!!

OP posts:
Original poster
NurtureGrow · 23/10/2025 23:10

SilenceInside · 23/10/2025 23:00

It's not about the person's sex, it's about their attitude to being in a partnership. It is a pathetic cop out for him to say he doesn't "fully see" what needs doing. He just can't be bothered. I bet he would see things fully if it was his boss at work telling him to clean up!

So it's his choice to not really care about doing his fair share at home. Do you do everything for the baby too?

This is what I keep saying. I keep saying it’s his choice. Also in response to ‘it’s not a priority’ I’ve said it’s a priority to me, so it is a priority! It would work both ways, if he had something he wanted me to do.

I am doing most for the baby too. I find it hard as I’m ie prepping all the baby meals. I have friends who split it. Because we don’t, I just can’t do it as well as I’d like.

How can you reason with someone like this?

OP posts:
Tiredandtrying · 23/10/2025 23:08

Weaponised incompetence

TheSmallAssassin · 23/10/2025 23:08

There's no excuse for "not being good at cleaning", it's hardly brain surgery, you just need to use your eyes and gross motor skills.