Is it right women do more?

This is quite a direct way of putting it - but if you’re able to take this on board you’ll be able to assess things clearly.

All this BS about not seeing mess, how can I get him to change, let’s draw up a rota, it’s about the business, is a distraction that keeps you busy thinking about him and his needs. Fuck that. Develop a clear-eyed view of the situation - he sees you as a prop and a means to an end - and decide to what extent you can live with it. You demeanour and approach will change, and you’ll see whether he steps up. You can think about what you want from your life.

Does he not hear that I can’t fully do my business thing is ridiculous? So there’s a middle ground- I have friends who’s husbands do actually clean/ get things done but they’re fussy and I think I couldn’t do the job you want done and I feel for the husbands.

In general though so many men do one or two things and then talk about them like they’ve scrubbed the whole house while our (women’s) days off are spent actually cleaning the whole house. . A lady had a post the other day asking if it was fair that she earned three times her dh’s salary and he didn’t do all the housework- I honestly think men look at it like that- they think housework is for the non principal breadwinner

Come on. OP has made it clear her husband prefers to treat her like a skivvy, rather than this being a time issue

He should be doing that anyway. What happens on days off work? Would he care for his child while you went for a walk, or lunch with a friend? Or just generally? He sounds awful and you’ll be teaching your child that women do all the house stuff and parenting while men don’t have to.

He is a lazy sexist twit and you should most definitely go on strike. Do not have another child with this idiot.

That's a depressing take on life!

OP, I wonder what make you think he would change? He's been like this since you met

theres no mystery here OP, he's not cleaning cos he can't be arsed and he knows you'll do it. He's got an easy life where you run around after him and if you ever try to get him to adult up. He just waaahs at you and waves his "but I earn the money' card at you. Tbh he sounds utterly awful

for godsake di not have another child with him

he will never change btw. He does know, he just values his own can't be arsedness over you. Question is, is this the luge you want and the model of life you want to demonstrate to your child

Did she mean you should tell him? Does a nice man let his partner do more work while he has fun?

I voted you’re being unreasonable for all these reasons and putting up with this from the start.

Here ! Here !

All it does is perpetuate yet more idle beggars !

He won’t change because he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t see you as a person in the way he is a person, with choice and needs and deserving of respect. It is super common, I’d say the majority of men see women like this. While you live with him, your function will be to facilitate the life he wants- to do the boring and unpleasant parts of having a lovely home and a lovely family. His role will be to enjoy having those things, and paying towards them (which will mean he owns you and has a right to those things). He doesn’t see this marriage as an equal partnership.

As others have said, you need to have a serious talk to him.

Don't sugar-coat the pill - he's a grown man after all - and point out that if he can't even put the recycling in the right bins/containers how does he think he will be able to run a business ?

A lot of new businesses fail, not because the trader isn't any good at what they do but because they can't structure their time effectively.

You can’t.

He is refusing to listen to you because he doesn’t want to do more, and doesn’t care how you feel.

I had one like this, and wasted twenty years trying to change him. He didn’t change. He now lives like a pig in shit, and I’m happily married to someone who cares about my feelings.

End it. You’ll still be doing everything, but It’s less exhausting when you are on your own and doing everything without the weight of resentment dragging you down.

OP will naturally do more of the housework due to being home more (maybe like a 60-40 split).

Two whole days at home and she should do 10% more cleaning?

My husband does loads round the house but genuinely just does not see things the way i do. He will just not notice that a counter top needs wiping. He really does try but nothing can make him have the standard i have.

Op can you post a pic of what the kitchen looks like after he has cleaned it, vs after you have?

I find it insane that women marry these man children. Sorry that he thinks you are his parent OP. You aren’t.

Well if he can't clean and tidy he takes over all the food preparation - meal planning, shopping and cooking. And say bills and other planning. Find a split that works for you both so you have about equal amount of household tasks (given you are effectively full time with a days work and 2 days childcare).

If he refuses why not get a cleaner and get him to pay.

Historically we have bren responsible for our children, homes and the care of relatives. Id say that still falls on our shoulders while mosr of us work full time too.
I do know men who do their fair share but not many.

I wish women would stop marrying and having children with these incompetent manchild men.

You sound a bit obsessed with cleaning tbh, and even more obsessed with making him do it.

You can make him have the same standards that you have when you clearly like things done a certain way. You are creating a problem where there doesn’t need to be one.

I read a thread on here a few years ago OP from a woman who had been in a similar situation as yours for years. Her marriage had broken down and they were in counselling. That OP said it was a revelation to her that, after years of trying to find the magic formula that would get him to see what needed to be done, he admitted he didn’t clean “because he didn’t want to”. This is the truth OP, he just doesn’t want to.

I also read that a woman will walk into an untidy room and not only will she see that it’s untidy but it will be a “call to action” for her in a way it isn’t for a man. Women are judged for having an untidy home in a way that men aren’t.

You can only control your own actions however so in the first instance I agree with PP don’t do his laundry, ironing etc. I would seriously consider whether having a second child with him is a good choice, unless it’s simply because you’d like a full sibling for your existing child and you’re ok with doing it all with or without him.

Ultimately I think your choices will boil down to doing everything in the marriage or doing everything as a single parent. If he’s starting his own business he probably won’t pay proper child maintenance, he won’t do 50/50.

It’s bleak OP but I would ensure you are financially independent. Him making you do all this extra work is exploitation pure and simple. He uses the word “supportive” but what he really wants is for you to his share to free him up to do what he wants.

Look around your workplace and ask yourself why these really rather mediocre men are more senior than the women. Nine times out of ten it’s because they have a woman doing all the shit work for them so they can focus on their careers.

reading this is giving me the rage!

cleaning, tidying, cooking, taking care of your family are able to be completed by both men and women.

There is not some genetic dysfunction in the male species which inhibits these skills.

I believe the saying ‘if he wanted to, he would’ applies here.

he could do all of these things as well or better than you but he doesn’t want to, because he doesn’t care.

stop making excuses for him, and start asking yourself if this is how you want to live, forever, and is this the expectation you want to show your children, for they will grow up thinking the home is women’s work.

OP, please follow and read Zawn: https://www.zawn.net/blog/household-chore-inequity-is-abuse-a-manifesto

I think you need her.

Google weaponised incompetance.