Is it right women do more?

Hmmm, interesting.

From what I know most Western European Languages are Latin based and have a similar sentence construction to English with the verb in the middle of the sentence (except for German and Dutch that have it at the end)

They also have the same alphabet, unlike Greek or Bulgarian which use the Cyrillic (Russian) Alphabet.

So maybe "Lost in Translation" isn't the answer after all...

Right? No
Common? Yes
Almost always the case? No

OP if you are looking for lots of women to nod, sigh and say they put up with it then you can find them. There's loads of them.

Equally if you want to hear from those of us who think it's nonsense and demand more and better when selecting a partner there's loads of us too.

Obviously you have already selected your partner.

What is his native language ?

Honestly what does he bring to your life exactly?

I was thinking specifically of the not turning off the hob, just moving the pan even when shown how to turn off the hob. I mean, how long does he intend to leave it on for with no pan on? And what does he think it's doing? There's not really any language barrier to this one.

Also there seems to be a communication barrier if his first language isn't English.

Some of this sounds more like a learning disability than just a man being incapable, to be honest with you.

Honestly I don't think you can do any more after 5 years of this nonsense.

In your next relationship you need to set the tone at the beginning.

All he has to do is put up woth some nagging and then he doesn't need to do any domestic labour so it's a no brainer to carry on as he is. It's disrespectful, sure, but you aren't going to change him.

I'm just coming in from the other side because I grew up with a mother whose standards I never understood. She'd tell me to 'tidy up', so I would tidy up. Then she'd come back and tell me that I'd not done it right and I literally could not understand. She'd told me to tidy, I'd tidied. But apparently I hadn't put everything back in the right places, then dusted them, then hoovered where they'd been and all this was supposed to be implicit in 'tidy up'.

I was diagnosed as ADHD as an adult, but I'm still not sure if this was the problem. My idea of 'tidy' was obviously very different to hers. I have my own home now and it's 'tidy' but I sometimes feel the shade of my mum peering into corners and telling me I haven't tidied properly.

It's not your job to instruct your DH on what you mean by cleaning and tidying and it just adds to the mental load if you have to explain but please be aware that he might not know what your expectations are and be doing things to his own standards. Which might not be very high!

Can't see it.

Is he blind? No?

Then he can see it and that's a particularly stupid lie.

He doesn't want to clean, he doesn't respect your home, and he thinks you're the housekeeper.

Hire a cleaner. He's not going to do it, he thinks it's beneath him or he wouldn't be lying as an excuse. You've tolerated this for 5 years, so he knows you're not leaving him over it.

Acceptance and compromise here. I’ve been married twenty years and we have very different standards. However, my husband will do anything for me so I let it slide that he doesn’t clean the kitchen sides to my standard. I expect when I paint the walls, I don’t do it as well as him (he’s an artist) but he doesn’t say anything.

You are only five years in and have a new baby, honestly these niggles are fairly normal. Does he give equally to the marriage? Equal doesn’t have to be the same things. I like the bed made so I make the bed. I like the house clean, so I clean it.
Dh picks up after himself and me and the children. But I do all laundry and most cooking. I don’t work. He works and is also renovating our home.

Ive been thinking about this and its generally me that does more cleaning, eg hoovering, wiping shelves down etc and unless things are really bad I don't think dh would care if it was done or not.

However without asking, he does the laundry when it needs doing, including pegging it out in good weather and putting things away, he does both the big shop and picks things up when we need it, he tends to clean the bathroom and I do the the toilet.

None of these things were agreed , they just evolved and he is a person that sees that something needs doing and does it. For example I generally do all the cooking but if im not at home or I am going to be at home late, he'll crack on and make tea.
Im happy with the split.
I agree with the ops friend from the party, you shouldn't have to ask.
Heck, I don't even have my adult sons and they just do what needs doing.

Both ds1 and ds2 pop round to our house and ive come home to find a job done, eg rhe washing brought in and folded, dishwasher loaded if weve not been in. I have to admit , it does amuse me!

I think it’s most helpful to look at the big picture rather than the individual tasks when trying to figure out what is “fair”. Would you say overall across all the different aspects of your lives/home/child that things are even, or is this a problem across the board?

For example if I put myself and my husband in your position and we looked JUST at a clean kitchen, it is almost always me that cleans the kitchen so yeah I could argue that that’s unfair. The bigger picture though is that I have no idea what goes in which bin, have no idea what day bin day is/which bin it is, never take it out or bring it back in- my husband does all that. I don’t deal with the garden, the weeding, mowing, de-heading etc, my husband does all that.

Working part time will imbalance things, because you have more time/availability to do the home bite, but it’s worth looking at the big picture.

Does he apologise a lot or only when pressured into feeling bad?

I'm not found of people who say sorry and then repeat their behaviour.

I don't believe men and women are supposed to live together. Men generally don't care or notice if they're living in a complete tip and eating crap, whereas women, in general, do. There are exceptions of course. I think men make women unhappy by giving them extra work to do. I think partners or husbands could be invited over for short periods then go back to their own place. I don't suppose there's enough affordable housing to be able to do this.

Makes sense for you to do more of the domestic stuff as you’re at home more. I know you have a child but it’s physically easier to stick a load of washing in, or prep dinner while the child is in her high chair having tea, or pop into the shops while out walking with the child..

However that absolutely doesn’t mean you do everything and it sounds like the rot set in well before having a child, while you both worked full time. If you always ‘accepted’ his lack of input in the home, it was hardly likely to change after having a child.

No, it’s not always like this. It’s not a given that women do more. Dh and I expected to have an even split from when we met… when we first rented a little flat together, we both cleaned and cooked. There was a short period of time when I worked 3 days a week, we also had pre school children at this time so it was busy but I did proportionately more stuff then because as I said, it’s easier if you’re physically at home. I know some people will say looking after children is a full time job but so much domestic work is a lot easier and less labour intensive nowadays - it’s not like we all wash by hand and put everything through a mangle any more! It’s so easy to stick a load in the washer and press the on button. I used to clean the toilet and wipe round the bathroom while the kids were in the bath. I could still watch and chat to them - multi tasking!

so yes, fair enough you can do more because there’s things you can do while at home that he physically can’t do if he’s at work. But for heavens sake stop accepting and facilitating his ‘helplessness.’ He should definitely do a reasonable share.