Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can I help my mum be / feel less cranky?

29 replies

tupils · 23/10/2025 21:50

I love my mother. She’s 80, nearly 81.
But in recent months (over the last few years really) she seems to wear her emotions closer to the surface and she can’t seem to manage herself like she used to.

The littlest things seem to be a stress for her and she gets quite quickly annoyed with other people. There are a few family members with quirks that can be a bit annoying (I’m sure it’s the same for everyone) but we still love them and have tolerated it over the years, as you do, nobody’s perfect, etc.

But I have noticed recently my mum will sometimes be more awkward / challenging with guests and visitors, and it spoils the atmosphere and gets a bit embarrassing. She likes catching people out, pointing it out when they are wrong or implying that she disapproves of things they do/don’t do. It’s mainly targeted at people that I know she finds annoying or threatening for whatever reason. And if I try to gently explain later that Uncle Bob was a bit defensive or prickly in response to HER manner or something she said, she will get all sulky and cross with me at first, then start over-thinking and over-analysing and winding herself up about things. She spends far too much time dwelling on details and making mountains out of molehills.

Is this just a sign of age? She’s otherwise perfectly ‘with it’, she just seems to be less inclined to ‘filter’ or keep a check on her emotions and behaviour . I find I am increasingly on edge and needing to ‘manage’ social occasions, particularly with one of my siblings and their partner. I used to love family occasions like Christmas, but this year is the first time I am actually feeling really anxious about it, because I feel I can’t trust her to just be nice!

OP posts:
ReplacementBusService · 23/10/2025 22:24

Does she WANT to be/feel less "cranky"?

shellyleppard · 23/10/2025 22:23

My dad is 80 and his social "filter" is definitely wearing thin. He says what he wants to and just blames it on his age.....
I've started to distance myself from him now due to his harsh words. Still my dad but

TalulahJP · 23/10/2025 22:22

It seems to me that when we get older we lose our ability to tolerate fools and stupidity, the filter goes out the window, and we tell it as it is. Causing upset and havoc.

We can seem to handle stress like we used to. Little things become blown out of all proportion. Things we did daily become too difficult. We get selfish and stop thinking of others needs and wishes. Hoarding can start.

We start off like toddlers and end up like toddlers, needing our bums changed and reminded of our manners.

WilfredsPies · 23/10/2025 22:19

It’s possible that it is a sign of age. Is it something to do with the pre frontal cortex getting older? I might have made that up, so don’t quote me.

It doesn’t sound like you’re able to be brutally honest with her if she’s winding herself up over things, but maybe you could ask her what’s going on, because she doesn’t seem happy spending time with other people and then go from there? Maybe ask her to give you a signal and you’ll walk her round the garden for some fresh air if she finds herself getting irritated or short tempered. It might be an idea to do this when she’s dwelling on what she’s said, so she at least acknowledges that there was an issue and you’re not just making stuff up.

Or you could wait til she starts, rush in and change the subject quickly or ask the recipient of her disapproval to come and help you do something

Or you could tell everyone that she’s becoming blunter as she gets older and not to take it personally as it’s not meant unkindly and she does dwell on it afterwards.

Or you could interrupt and tell her that if she can’t say anything nice, to not say anything at all (I wouldn’t advise this one, I think it might trigger a bit of a strop and put a dampener on the day)

Or you could accept that people change as they get older and that nobody is expecting you to manage anything or be responsible for what she says. And then afterwards, if she’s complaining that uncle Bob was a bit grumpy, shrug your shoulders, say you don’t know and ask her what she thinks could have made him grumpy.