Haunted by a mistake from years ago. Help!

This

You didn't do anything wrong. I take a hard line on cheating and this is not that. You didn't consent, so were taken advantage of. You stopped as soon as you knew what was happening. Leave it in the past.

Even if you posted that you willingly had a snog with another guy 2 decades ago I’d still say not to tell your husband and move on. It was so long ago it’s not like you’re the same person and you’ve shown that it didn’t mean anything.
And even in that case you still wouldn’t even be close to the worst wife. Lots of people I know in happy marriages had some such incident when they were dating. And that’s not even your case as it sounds like others have said that the guy could have just been taking advantage or you were so drunk you reacted slowly.

I’m sorry this happened, you were so drunk you either do not remember what happened or you were asleep when it started. Either way you could not consent. You’ve done nothing wrong. I understand why you wouldn’t want to bring it up now but ultimately what happened to you was not something you should feel bad for. Forgive yourself and move on

Yes, I think that is very likely. There are lots of resources online either written or things like YouTube - look up dealing with intrusions or intrusive thoughts and that should point you in the right direction.

Your GP will likely refer you to your local Talking Therapies service which is provided through the NHS so is free to use. These all accept self referral so no need to wait for a GP to do it - just do it online yourself. Services vary in quality but there is a lot of good therapy offered through them.

Please be gentle with yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong. This sounds like something that happened to you, not something you caused. And as you said, you stopped it as soon as you realised what was happening.

I know therapy can be expensive but EMDR therapy could really help you process it. And, importantly, it often only takes a few sessions. So it can be really cost effective.

You don’t have to go through this alone 🌷

You don’t know if you had a boyfriend or Fiancé at the time .. is that right ? Why you feeling guilty, if you don’t even know what your relationship was?

You’ll never know what happened.
It clearly meant nothing.
Forget about it and accept that.
Telling your partner after this long will only make him feel like he maybe can’t trust you and open up a can of worms that don’t need to be.
You’re all good….

Please be gentle with yourself.

If you have intrusive thoughts about it, try taking magnesium. It sounds mad but I sometimes suffer from pointless, useless, historical stuff about things that annoy me, especially ones that I didn't advocate more for myself.

On those days, if I remember to, I take magnesium and it definitely works (for me atleast) so I'd suggest trying that in the meantime.

I know it's hard to get therapy unless you go private, but my friend paid £60 for an hour and just that one session helped him alot.

What are you looking to achieve, what's the fine issue that's keeping it in your head? Do you believe you cheated? Do you believe he took advantage of you? If so, are you struggling with that? Do you need support from your husband that it happened and need him as a safe place or for his forgiveness? Try writing things down. See what wants to come out. It may help you organise your thoughts.

But be gentle with yourself. The way you're talking, it sounds like you've tortured yourself enough with this. It isn't healthy and you don't deserve to feel this way. CBT would help you retrain your mindset if you feel it'd benefit you.

This could just make things worse. What’s the point in bringing this up now after so many years? What can anyone do about it? Don’t dwell on it, forget it and move on with life. Nothing good will come from ruminating on it now.

You mentioned your MH could not take being flamed right now - I am wondering if this is why this is happening? When we are struggling more in life in a general way, our brains will start to retrieve more difficult memories, and go over them to try to update our understanding of them. But if you are generally feeling down and bad about yourself, you are likely to come up with negative ideas about yourself as a result of this process. Its a really horrible chicken and egg situation - you feel bad, so this happens and it makes you feel worse, so it happens more, etc etc.

If could be a trauma response, but from what you have described, it sounds more likely that what you are experiencing are intrusive thoughts. They are very common, we all have them, but in some people they are lot harder to ignore or move on from. Its normal to try to think your way out of them but all you are doing is strengthening them. Not all of our thoughts are equal, and not all need to be responded to. Naming them as intrusions is one way of dealing with them, then refocusing on something else. This will help you start seeing them as what they are - just thoughts- without giving them too much power. Or you might ask yourself if it is helpful to keep doing this? And refocus your attention. Mindfulness can help with this.

If you find this hard to do, refer to a talking therapies program, or if you have an EAP, CBT can help with this kind of thinking. Take care.

Talk to your husband? If he's a decent guy he should feel angry the man assaulted you.

I should have …
what if ….
You are ruminating !!

This was a scary incident, it was assault.

When something scary happens, it can be preferable to make it your own fault, because that's less scary.

You could see a therapist to talk this through.

Look up pure ocd. Ruminating over past and needing things clear in your head is classic. Hope you’re okay x

@Anothermistake2 every person posting on here has told you that you did nothing wrong. And it’s a fact. You did nothing wrong and it was a very long time ago. It really is not rational or helpful to your life or relationship now to ruminate on this non event. If you really are concerned about being a good wife now you need to tackle your irrational anxiety as that is something that will certainly contribute to a tense family life.

What do you think about the fact that everyone is telling you that you did nothing wrong? Does it make you wonder if your thoughts are not rational? If you are not taking on board what other people are saying, if you have no insight into your behaviour, then you need help.

But what happened has nothing to do with you as a wife or mother - presumably this was before you were either of these things? Something in your mind is conflating this incident (awful but not in any way your fault) with your current status and I think it'll require quite a bit of unpicking and probably some professional help to find out why.

Someone started kissing you while you were asleep - and you're blaming yourself? This person was way older; he made sure he was gone in the morning because he was a coward and afraid you'd tell everyone what he had done. This is a situation to feel angry about rather than guilty. It's kind of depressing that that's not obvious to you, if this is real.

Agree with this !

look up rumination - sounds like u have got stuck ruminating in this ?

You are not an awful wife and you shouldn't feel guilty. I would say try to put it out of your mind but it seems like that might be difficult for you at the moment. Is your husband supportive? If so you could discuss it with him but you aren't 'confessing' because you did nothing wrong.

I think you need to look deeper for the cause of your guilt / anxiety. Its absolutely not normal to be concerned about something that happened 18 years ago that nobody else even knows about. What happened then wasn't even your fault and has absolutely zero relevance to yourself as a wife and mother now. You need to ask yourself why this has popped into your head right now.