To think DH sbould give up work

When DC were small DH was SAHD and I was the earner. He's now got a term time role, we don't have the same complications of health needs and SEN you have. He's "default parent". It works well. We have joint finances and we are married, I wouldn't have it any other way. His contribution to our family is equal.

If your DC go to school I think you will need to accept he will need some of this time to rest as he sounds quite poorly. What will happen in the school holidays? I would imagine they will be challenging. His health conditions don't sound like something he can power through.

Would he like to be SAHP? If not, it’s not going to ever work.

I have been working, my DH the SAHP for many years. I have massively increased my salary in that time. It’s worked out pretty well.

And that’s sitting in a chair all day

He seems like a terrible candidate to be a SAHP of young children especially with SEN

He works all at sitting down in an office but is on his knees with exhaustion by the end of the day

and you think he’ll be an active SAHP to young SEN children?

I'm a SAHD (for different reasons) but I'm about to feed the kids and put them to bed while my wife stays late at the office.

I'll come back to this tomorrow when I can give you the decency of a full reply.

My DH works part-time, freelance at home while I do a significantly higher paid office-based job full time. He does the school runs, gets DC to activities and appointments, nearly all the cooking and generally runs the home. I do more of the family "mental load" stuff, often during lunchtime at work. Works brilliantly for us (I check in with him regularly on this as although no SEN or health issues, I think his responsibilities are harder). I also top up his SIPP so he has retirement funds in his own name even though mine are larger because of my job and I consider mine family money. I believe we contribute equally to our family.

If this works for you both and you feel you are sharing responsibilities equally overall, go for it.

Well frankly I'd be 'resentful' that his illness means our life wasn't what we had planned (as I'm resentful my illness has ruined my plan for my life) but not because he's not working iyswim.

if you LOVE him & he's ill, why would you resent him?

PLUS, depending on DH's illness/prognisis I think you'd be a fool not to climb the career ladder as much as you can now while he can look after the kids, then in the fire you'll be better placed to either have the money & flexibility to take on more again with the kids (shoukd he be unable to do it all) OR. Support hus return to work if his health allows it.

I can understand your reservations but i think your current situation is untenable. It sounds like your DH being a SAHP would take a lot of pressure off your shoulders and make life easier for you both as well as increasing your household income. It sounds win-win.

I dont think you will feel resentful under these circumstances. Just now you are bearing the financial burden and the home burden. If your husband took the home burden off your shoulders, this would be a huge load lightened especially with SEN children.

I think as long as you make clear the expectations (ie husband has primary responsibility for childcare and house admin, etc), it could work really well. Maybe you could have a trial period?

I'm so sorry to hear about DH 😢

To me it seems like a complete no brainer.

i don't quite understand why you're hesitant? What are you worried about?

I think you need to take your time deciding which jobs/promotions you apply for & make sure they're right for your situation, focus as much on your progression/job satisfaction as the £££ as it sounds like you're going to need to be as happy/ flexible /valued In that position as possible.

Once you're in a higher paying position I'd also be looking at finding someone the kids can get used to who can help out when/if necessary.

much love to you all xx

EDUT to add, I'm sure you're onto it, but make sure you have whatever insurances you can still get & when you get your better paid job, check out the best way to add to hus pension or yours.

For his security I'd suggest you get married. Can you afford to add to a pension at all for him?

I have friends with this set-up, it works well but only if you're both open and discuss properly in advance. Then keep checking with each other along the way that you're still happy.

My daughter and her husband do exactly this. It works fantastically for them. Her husband does all of the cooking, lifts for children and most of the domestic chores. It's great for the kids and they as a couple are happy with the situation so it's a perfect set up that works well.

Is there a compromise of him going part time? Maybe working from home? (Commuting can add to the fatigue). Might make it feel less scary to start with.

As I was a higher earner, my DH was a SAHD until his health condition became debilitating to the point I needed to try and work AND do the kids and house stuff.

I think it's really important to try and figure out what he is genuinely able to do at home, as if for example you took a promotion and it turned out he couldn't cope, you may be in a difficult situation job-wise.

Makes sense that he stays at home and does all the childcare and home admin, and you throw yourself fully into work and bring in as much money as you can to support everyone.
Sounds like a good idea to me.

Well maybe you’ve got your answer then. What are you specifically worried about?
If you are happy together and own your home just get married as it will protect whoever outsurvives the other in terms of not having to sell up to pay IHT (assuming you are in that bracket).

in your position I wouldn’t hesitate - I’d be more inclined to hesitate from his position as it leaves him very vulnerable if anything happened to you.

it can’t hurt to try it out for a period. You can agree to review things regularly.

if he is getting PIP he will continue to get that as it’s not based on income - it’s not a benefit as such.
it might be just the breather you both need. No point in both of you being knackered. Yes SEN kids is hard work, the appointments and paperwork, don’t help but on the whole it’s more flexible than 8 hours a day at a desk and much easier to deal with as a SAHP than while trying to work.

Good luck. Parents like us survive the best way we can, and have done so for years.

I would definitely do a trial of one year, where either of you can flag things at three and six months. Have proper review meetings at those points and keep working together on how your family dynamic is meeting the needs of everyone.

Friends of mine have a similar set up in that he is the SAHD as she was out earning him by a lot, and had to commute to an office (along with a big move). It works really well for them, she enjoys coming home to chores all being done so they can all just enjoy the evenings together. As far as I can tell he really enjoys it too!

Absolutely go for it if he has said he’s willing!

I would advise anyone against giving up work without the financial security of marriage. But if you were married I’d say that absolutely sounds like it would be the best option for the quality of life of the whole family.

It sounds like the ideal solution especially if he is willing to do the housework and the cooking. Then he’s home if the kids need him, he’s not so exhausted and you are able to go for your promotion. When you come home from work, you won’t have to do household chores and he has more quality of life. I can’t see why you wouldn’t want this option, it seems better for everyone?

Why? It sounds very sensible and what most families do, especially if he wants to.

I would be concerned about his long term financial stability.

you should get married to make sure he’s protected and shoukd something happen to you he doesn’t have issues re finances.

Can you find support for your DC? How severe are their SEN? Im worried your DH will find it exhausting being their sole carer, particularly if he has health issues himself (my oldest DS has Sen so I know how exhausting it is).

Is it him being viewed as the primary carer that has you feeling reluctant? Would you struggle to pull back on being the one dealing with schools? Would he be proactive about appointments/DLA forms/SEN reviews etc etc

My 4 DC are autistic. I've has periods of being a SAHM. DH is self-employed in a trade. I work part-time nights now, needed the money and also got a bit tired of the dynamics with DH being the breadwinner and worried about my pension. What works for family may not for another, and that can change. I thought as my DC got older I'd be able to work more. It really hasn't worked out that way...