To think DH sbould give up work

If your situation now isnt working then surely you try something else?

so they won’t be attending school op if “no one else can look after them”?

This is someone who is wiped out with exhaustion by 8.30pm every day in an office job

can’t see him being a great SAHP to young children with sen

Well if I were your DP I would only do this if I became your DH first. Making yourself financially vulnerable in a relationship without legal safeguards ( which marriage gives) is a very silly idea for anyone

Subjects to that caveat, I'd say it sounds like an excellent plan to me, if you are both happy with it

This happened to my parents - one disabled, other employed full time in a demanding role. It ended up being hugely stressful for the working one to manage work, house, caring for spouse and kids, and that was with significant support from one grandparent and lots of help with school runs etc from neighbours. You need to find ways to develop more support networks going forward imo.

Could you get a nanny home help if you can earn so much more money? Maybe an older person would like the role, if it’s just picking up the kids and sorting them out for a few hours. An ex-teacher perhaps? There are lots of other childcare options, rather than just after school clubs and childminders. If you pay fairly well, you can get any kind of help you want.

Being honest, you do sound quite militant and controlling with what you’ve said about the potential for complaints over housework and cooking. You also mention that despite earning much more already, your mindset is yours/his money. This is not how a lot of families work and doesn’t sound suited at all to you supporting your dp as a sahd. I think paying someone will allow you to feel able to have standards and climb the ladder, albeit with a deduction for childcare.

Realistically, would being a sahp and managing all aspects of the household and two sen children be easier ? If he's struggling working in an office and it exhausts him ( when he is presumably able to sit at a desk a lot), I doubt he'll find the stay at home option easier. Perhaps he should take a career break or a months annual leave and see how he finds it being the primary carer.

I think I’d look at your situation and split it down into three separate areas: finances, home and caring for the children. What are your finances currently like; all incoming and outgoings, where can you cut back? Do you have savings? What will pensions look like in this new arrangement? Will your DH be entitled to any new benefits if he’s too unwell to work at all? Will you lose CB if you do claim it? If your children as as high needs as you mention I’d assume you can claim for them - how will you need to use this money in the new arrangement?
What chores will you continue to do and what do you expect your DH to do? Consider that he is unwell and will also be looking after your children so he’s not doing nothing so that doesn’t give you a free pass on everything.
What is the usual weekly or monthly routine for the children? Consider how this will also work alongside what your DH can realistically achieve in the house if he’s not well enough to work.

Is there any in between where your DH works part time? Does it have to be all or nothing? If you’re able to double your salary could you not afford a cleaner once a week and some other outsourced help?

Your poor DP.
What does he do, have reasonable adjustments been made and could he work from home or work part time?
If he’s really struggling I would suggest he utilise the sick leave policy and you trial what he proposes. You work, completely uninterrupted and he does all the chores.

You will need to accept that there will be times he can’t fulfil his end of the bargain, due to sickness. DH has bailed me out due to 3 weeks of sciatica and I had to bail him out for six weeks when he broke his ankle.

How much do you love your job? Will this arrangement mean you need to work longer, when can you retire? Will you want to go part time in later life and you won’t be able to.

I would not appreciate having to vacuum when you tell me to, or a ‘home emergency’ meaning your dinner isn’t launched at you as soon as you walk in the door.
If your DP wants to splurge on something will you be ok with that or will you want to control his ‘pocket money’.

As the children grow up and need you less, your DP will have more time on his hands, more time to kick back and relax- will that cause resentment.

My question would be whether he could actually do all the bits that you list that you do. Not the home stuff. The SEN stuff. Because otherwise you're going to take on more responsibility at work and still have all the SEN stuff to do.

Do whatever works for your family. My son suffered from EBSA/Autistic burnout and it got so bad I had to leave work to be there for him. I quit because I was part time and earned less. It would have been my husband if he earned less. We’ve always said as long as the money gets earned and the family is looked after, it doesn’t matter who does what as we are a team.

Could he request a month unpaid leave to trial it? Or does he really need to leave asap? I bet a dr would sign him off for a bit.

I’m all for it, but have an honest conversation about your expectations and concerns, and maybe refer to it as a ‘trial’ while he continues to look for WFH options? And be clear if it starts causing arguments the whole thing is counterproductive

You say that. So do you truly think he could take on the role fully as a stay at the home parent?

But I am worried I might be thinking it If he doesnt hoover on the day we agreed for example.

Why would you have to agree the hoovering day? I'd hate that if I was a SAHM.

I went with yanbu as I thought you were saying it was a good idea and he didn't want to. Yes of course he should, especially with his health he may be forced to give up in the near future anyway. If you're the main earner and have lots more earning potential I don't understand what the concern is. It seems to boil down to the fact he's a man, and that is ridiculous

I would think that he would have to rest and not do housework, cooking etc when the children are at school if working a desk job is making him so exhausted. Which would mean that he would mostly just be doing the school drop off and pick up, if that was manageable for him (does he drive?), and whatever appointments/meetings that are needed for the children.

Would having double your salary, but not his work income, mean you could afford to get a cleaner and outsource other tasks so that neither of you have to do them?

Sorry OP sounds like a disaster. Don't marry him, you'll get rinsed if you divorce and you need that money for your special needs kids.

He should carry on working. You take the promotions and use the money for childcare, someone young and fit who can do fun stuff with your kids.

If he's not working he'll have no incentive to look after his health and you'll just then have a sick husband and may end up paying for childcare anyway.

Look after yourself and your kids.

We have had to do something similar. My husband developed chronic fatigue syndrome whilst i was pregnant with our second child. He was fired during the probation period of his last job, mainly we think because of the time off work he took due to his condition.

We are fortunate that i earn enough that we can just about manage on my wage (with strict belt tightening). We have always had joint finances which makes it an easier adjustment i think. He does some household tasks, and cares for our daughter on one day, but isn't able to do much more on a routine basis as he often needs to sleep in the day. I'm still doing the majority of tasks, especially when his fatigue flares. We have been doing this for six months now, and i think the amount he does has slowly increased as it becomes more routine.

We didn't have a choice in doing this, but the stuff that has been important was looking at insurance (what happens if i am no longer able to earn?), his pension (security for him), agreeing explicit expectations in advance of how this might change our household task balance.

I have never resented this (though i wish his health was better and we could enjoy him as he would wish to be). I think partly, his ability to do school drop off and pickups, be there if the kids need to be at home while unwell, do odd tasks, makes my life easier than it was when we were both working and neither of us had any slack.

I think it’s a brilliant plan if you put everything in place properly - get married, sort out his pension, have great insurance just in case and make sure you keep talking about what is and isn’t working.

really you can’t continue on as you are so worth trying anything else. I wish you all luck with it all