Cancelling friends at short notice because of a better offer is very rude...

Original poster

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 26/10/2025 18:24

So, hubby and I had a lovely meal out and it was really nice. Interestingly, my friend has not come back with any other suggested dates for meeting up. I have told my husband we are definitely not seeing them until they host us. Over dinner we chatted and literalIy could not remember when they had us over last. Though we do remember a few meals out - split bills etc., and at least 6 meals at ours. Gosh I sound petty. I do wonder if when she wants to meet up next it will all. 'Shall we come to you again?' as if it's a reset.
However - I have a fair few other friends - and the week after next we are going to one of theirs for dinner (and this is nice as we had them last month). thanks every one for the comments. As my Dad says - there are givers and takers...

OP posts:

Bluedenimdoglover · 25/10/2025 10:55

If you have to book a babysitter or go to any unavoidable expense when making arrangements to meet friends before accepting make sure they know what bookings you will be making and that once done, these can't be rearranged. Ask if they are sure about the date/ event before you book. Put it in a text, so if later on, they change their minds, you can then remind them of their promise and cross them off your list of friends.

Abieola · 25/10/2025 02:38

Hello, who wants to be my friend? I am a mom of 3. I am Nigerian. Yoruba is my first language. I live in east London. I don't have a lot of friends because friends are always troublesome sometimes. They never appreciate you. I am open to a new friend if you don't mind. In your case look for a better people to be friend with.

Ehhhno · 24/10/2025 22:33

It's awful. I have zero friends because of this. It's awful and extremely lonely. People are selfish

HevenlyMeS · 24/10/2025 21:15

You're not being unreasonable at all God bless You&Yours 💚

Sunshadows · 24/10/2025 21:07

This is such rude behaviour, and upsetting for the person cancelled on. Sorry this happened to you, Carmella.

Sadly, it's happened to me quite a few times. The worst was a few years ago, when I invited 3 friends round for dinner & drinks. One cancelled 2 days before, (legitimate reason).

I then texted the other two, making sure they were still coming before I shopped and prepped everything. They confirmed yes, they were coming and looking forward to it.

The day of the dinner, one of them messaged mid-afternoon to cancel (she had too much to do for her child's party at the weekend apparently)! An hour later the other one cancelled, saying she'd had a stressful day at work and can we do it another time.

I was so upset, everything was ready too. They didn't even seem that apologetic, just all started talking on our group chat about another neighbour's party we were going to at Christmas. Maybe the evening I was putting on wasn't 'enough' for them? Who knows! I don't see them much anymore, such hurtful behaviour.

I hope you & your dh do something nice this weekend. x

Original poster

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 24/10/2025 15:40

Yes fair enough...and it's probably more than 6 times we've hosted...if you include party invites etc.
I think others on MN can relate - someone asks you to pick up their child take them to a hobby. You do this a lot, and then it is expected. And then you ask for a turn..
I'm not someone who insists on equal turns - but I felt my efforts had been much less appreciated and got fed up with being left with a messy kitchen and not much thanks.

OP posts:

Tassielassie · 24/10/2025 15:33

They are users.
But if that is who you continue to spend time with it will be more of the same.

Surely you can see 6 times at yours is shockingly uneven.

You will look back on this and cringe because they really aren't friends.

They dumped you because you are not worth the effort.
Fine if you pt yourself out massively for them, only.
This is friendship on their terms only.
You will regret this wasted effort.
Focus on those friendships that match your effort and energy.

Original poster

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 24/10/2025 15:20

Well - I suppose you can see why I was so annoyed. It was going to be nice to be hosted for once by them - only to worry about bringing wine/flowers - rather than spending a lot of effort cooking and so yes it does make me more irritated by the cancellation.

I do wonder why they try to rebook - whether they'll try that old we will come to you malareky again. I bet they wouldnt have taken another offer if they'd been coming here for a lovely 3 course meal with lots drink. I'm standing firm though.

My mum said - Sam clearly doesn't like cooking/hosting accept them as they are. But I think - you can get really good M&S meal deals these days - why should we be the ones always hosting . Anyway we will see.

OP posts:

Nestingbirds · 24/10/2025 15:14

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 24/10/2025 15:11

They say ; shall we meet up? I say okay come to ours - we will cook, then next meet up they say: 'we'll come to yours to save you getting a babysitter' - and I think well cooking/babysitter similiar cost - whereas we will end up driving to theirs and probably a meal out cost. And then it got like this - until this time - when they said - lets meet up. I persisted and said we will come to you (they actually have better paid jobs than us), and they've cancelled...I think some of the times they came to us a parent (of theirs had died) so I wasnt going to insisted on equal hosting. And as I said, it has got into an expectation - so I pushed back this time. And when they said shall we book a restaurant or eat in. I thought - it's your turn to host, so said let's stay in.

Why are we friends? Because when we see them we have a nice time. But yes it was feeling unequal and hence my pushing back.

They have taken total advantage of you and your hospitality, and now it’s their turn they can’t be bothered. I am sure they are charming, so far that’s worked very well for them hasn’t it. Users.

Original poster

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 24/10/2025 15:11

They say ; shall we meet up? I say okay come to ours - we will cook, then next meet up they say: 'we'll come to yours to save you getting a babysitter' - and I think well cooking/babysitter similiar cost - whereas we will end up driving to theirs and probably a meal out cost. And then it got like this - until this time - when they said - lets meet up. I persisted and said we will come to you (they actually have better paid jobs than us), and they've cancelled...I think some of the times they came to us a parent (of theirs had died) so I wasnt going to insisted on equal hosting. And as I said, it has got into an expectation - so I pushed back this time. And when they said shall we book a restaurant or eat in. I thought - it's your turn to host, so said let's stay in.

Why are we friends? Because when we see them we have a nice time. But yes it was feeling unequal and hence my pushing back.

OP posts:

Nestingbirds · 24/10/2025 15:03

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 24/10/2025 14:49

Time for a quick update...thank you for all the responses. I'm glad it isn't just my perspective.
So, I rang around all my best buddies - predictability already doing something. Husband managed to get a table at a really lovely gastro pub - early at 6pm - but hey better than nothing and we can still make use of the babysitter. So that is nice, though we are out for an expensive meal next weekend for his birthday too. So expensive..and I was looking forward to seeing friends anda change of dynamic.
I am cross with my friend though. She's the type to send dates for a meet up months and months in advance. It just sounds like she's meeting with other friends - casually invited by them.
To those who said she's evading hosting - yes it sounds like it. We must have had then for the last 6 occasions - and she always makes it sound like she's doing us a favour: 'we'll come to you' then you don't need to book a babysitter.' They do bring a bottle of wine - but this is a drop in the ocean. And yes cooking a meal, and making sure the house is visitor ready does take effort. So maybe it's this.
I've not ususally minded doing all the cooking - but it was getting a bit expected and unappreciated. And expensive.
I will keep the friendship - but I've said to my husband - we are not hosting them again...it's definitely their turn. We'll see how that turns out. One of those people who tries to make it sound like they are doing you a favour when really it suits them better.
I do think some people take advantage - they might not mean to but they do. We have another social event in a few months that they normally get invited too - (with lots of others) but this year I'm not inviting them. Petty yes.

Maybe this thread will make some people think, as clearly there's a lot of us who get very angry/hurt/cross when this happens, and best wishes to those of you who were royally mucked about re weddings/holidays etc.

I am confused.

Wny have you hosted for the last SIX occasions?

This is a far bigger problem than just cancelling short notice.

Why are you remaining friends with them? They don’t respect you or your time.

Original poster

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 24/10/2025 14:49

Time for a quick update...thank you for all the responses. I'm glad it isn't just my perspective.
So, I rang around all my best buddies - predictability already doing something. Husband managed to get a table at a really lovely gastro pub - early at 6pm - but hey better than nothing and we can still make use of the babysitter. So that is nice, though we are out for an expensive meal next weekend for his birthday too. So expensive..and I was looking forward to seeing friends anda change of dynamic.
I am cross with my friend though. She's the type to send dates for a meet up months and months in advance. It just sounds like she's meeting with other friends - casually invited by them.
To those who said she's evading hosting - yes it sounds like it. We must have had then for the last 6 occasions - and she always makes it sound like she's doing us a favour: 'we'll come to you' then you don't need to book a babysitter.' They do bring a bottle of wine - but this is a drop in the ocean. And yes cooking a meal, and making sure the house is visitor ready does take effort. So maybe it's this.
I've not ususally minded doing all the cooking - but it was getting a bit expected and unappreciated. And expensive.
I will keep the friendship - but I've said to my husband - we are not hosting them again...it's definitely their turn. We'll see how that turns out. One of those people who tries to make it sound like they are doing you a favour when really it suits them better.
I do think some people take advantage - they might not mean to but they do. We have another social event in a few months that they normally get invited too - (with lots of others) but this year I'm not inviting them. Petty yes.

Maybe this thread will make some people think, as clearly there's a lot of us who get very angry/hurt/cross when this happens, and best wishes to those of you who were royally mucked about re weddings/holidays etc.

OP posts:

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 24/10/2025 13:19

This is a hard 'no' from me and my DH.

People get 3 chances and then we just stop bothering! We are, like everyone, incredibly busy and our time is precious, we prioritise making time for our friends and are usually the most 'available' of everyone, rarely saying no, and we honour our commitments. Therefore we expect the same from others.

DH used to organise regular Friday evenings playing golf with his mates until 2 would persistently drop out last minute. Now him and the one that aren't flaky see each other most Thursday evenings and he just refuses to organise Fridays anymore as he doesn't see why he should always be the one to make arrangements and be let down.

WorthyBlueHare · 24/10/2025 12:27

Don’t blame your hormones: your time is precious, you had multiple options of things to do with that time and you have been let down for no good reason. If you do want to maintain the friendship, worth having a chat about this 1:1 next time you see this person - you can be nice about it in case there was something going on that just hasn’t been explained to you, but it is worth requesting that any change of plans barring emergencies be made with good notice so you have time to make your own plans, and you could give the teachers staying with you/being able to book good restaurants this time round as an example.

Nestingbirds · 24/10/2025 12:09

Not friends at all, and should be downgraded accordingly and ruthlessly.

Thankyourose · 24/10/2025 12:06

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 23/10/2025 15:01

Maybe I'm out of sync - maybe this is how we all socialise - but I'm interested in others' view points. If I make an arrangement to see friends - especially if it's been booked months ago and they've booked a babysitter - then I'd not cancel if I got a better offer to go out..elsewhere
I understand illness/ crisis and a surprise Uncle Rodney's 90th birthday party - but just wanting to rearrange because erm they've decided to do something else is really rude. Suddenly we've got a baby sitter booked (expensive and a rare treat), but all our ususal friends are now booked up, as are the best restuarants. It is also too late for a quick weekend away. Am I wrong to feel actually angry or should I be more chill... I actually put off other friends seeing us because of this. I won't cancel the babysitter - but am I unreasaonable to be very cross.

We have a ‘friend’ that does this and although we still them we basically have low expectations and have stopped inviting them to a lot of stuff! It’s insulting … we all do it now and then but to be constantly doing it? Nope!

Now friend is asking us a lot to do stuff ( single again after a while!) but I don’t care how lonely they are at the moment because that bridge has been, charred if not burnt!

EWAB · 24/10/2025 12:03

Cancelling at the last minute from some friends and from others the constant and I mean constant need for confirmation that I am going to meet them where and when I said I would!

Two sides of same coin.

Infuriating.

Mary46 · 24/10/2025 11:45

Yes PG that is so time wasting. Im not chasing people anymore I leave it up to them now. But yes def more flaky now. My friend even texts are we still meeting up so it must be common now to flake on others.

PGmicstand · 24/10/2025 11:09

I used to be friends with someone like this. Until she messed me about one too many times.
When she got back in touch after cancelling on me (yet again), and suggested meeting up, I just said, "Sure, let me know when you're free". She hasn't yet. That was 9 years ago.

tragichero · 24/10/2025 11:06

I can understand why you are annoyed having booked the babysitter and so on.

But I would rather people spent time with me because they wanted to, not out of a sense of duty/commitment.

I would actually hate the thought of my good friends missing out on something they really wanted to do because of an existing commitment to me.

And I think my friends know that. So if a great opportunity comes up for them (like, I dunno, they get offered theatre tickets or something; or a hot date with the guy of their dreams) I would always say, go do that, we can rearrange for another time.

It may help that I have only a small group of friends, all of whom I love very much. So I prize their happiness highly, and try to foster honest communication with them. That's more important to me than rules of etiquette.

This is not to say you don't have the right to be pissed off, OP. In a way I find it hard to judge without knowing what she cancelled you for. Was it the trip of a lifetime for example? If so YABU. To paint her own nails? Less so.

teddycoat · 24/10/2025 10:05

People saying just to drop them: friends are precious and I think this can be said too lightly (although that whole best man situation... dreadful). Friends have faults and we should sometimes forgive

Of course, but I think most people in this thread are referring to people who constantly do it. I know I was. I certainly would not cut out someone who couldnt make one or two events- that would be bloody ridiculous.

I am talking about people who do it almost every single time plans are made, they either lie to your face about being ill or having to work etc (and then you see them on Facebook tagged in something else when they were supposed to be ill etc- thats rude). People who constantly drop you last minute for something "better" are not friends I would ever miss in my life because they clearly dont care.

Peaceshout · 24/10/2025 10:04

Flakiness is so common these days and I’m constantly astonished about how socially acceptable it’s become.

It’s rude to cancel anything at short notice unless you have a very good reason. If you can’t commit or know you’re going to take up the first better offer that comes along, why bother saying yes in the first place? Just don’t bother.

You’ll no doubt get a raft of mealy-mouthed excuse makers responding - the usual stuff, neurodiversity, social anxiety, etc.

I don’t particularly relish a lot of social activities. I think I would probably be diagnosed with neurodiversity. I still turn up when I’ve said I’ll turn up, because it’s not all about me.

IglesiasPiggl · 24/10/2025 10:00

A "friend" of mine cancelled coming to my 40th birthday dinner at the 11th hour because she had "got cosy in her jimjams" and didn't want to get changed. I don't know if I was more flabbergasted at her reason, or that fact she thought it was acceptable to tell me that!

StrawberrySquash · 24/10/2025 09:57

People saying just to drop them: friends are precious and I think this can be said too lightly (although that whole best man situation... dreadful). Friends have faults and we should sometimes forgive.

If you are going to cut them off then isn't it worth explaining the impact them canceling has had on you? If they take offence and never speak to you again then you've lost nothing more than you would have. If they apologise and change then that's a result.

These people who just don't fancy it. So rude! I sometimes can't be bothered, but I pull myself together and generally have a nice time. Of course saying this you will have people saying that's fine for me but they have genuine anxiety etc. And I do have sympathy for that. There are times when it's just not possible. But every time you give into that you are telling your brain that there was something to be anxious about. And it can become a vicious circle. I think sometimes you really have to say to yourself Auntie is looking forward to seeing me - and me her - I can do this.

Of course from the other side it's hard to judge how the other person is. I've got a friend who's flaked a couple of times recently for injury/needing time alone because work is too much. I'm torn between worrying is she okay and noticing that she still seems able to do other fun things. I suspect the truth is she has other priorities.