To keep my toddler away from ex

But then he won't be able to listen to their conversation and berate OP afterwards. He's abusive.

Your partner is absolutely pathetic - and if he feels so strongly about this, why is HE not entertaining the toddler whilst you say bye to your eldest?

Who does this request serve? It doesn’t serve your DS who probably just wants everyone to get along, it doesn’t serve you because it makes life harder and more stressful than it needs to be, and it doesn’t serve your toddler who couldn’t care less if the man at the door is your ex.

I have older half siblings as both my parents were married before they met. My dad’s ex wife used to pop in if she was nearby and, as an adult, I’m friends with some of my half sibling’s other half siblings (from their dad’s second marriage). I now know there were tensions at times but it was all kept v much as an adult problem that never impacted any of us as children.

I know it’s an unusual set up but it’s been great for me; i had more people to love me and be my friend growing up, life is much easier because there’s no tension and it taught me that being an adult sometimes means putting other people’s needs first for the greater good. Your partner still needs to learn this lesson it seems.

If your partner is in another room, why doesn't his child stay in the room with him? Why would you not do that if your partner doesn't want that contact? He has a right to say who his child meets.

Why would you want to have a disagreement when there is no need? It is the sort of thing that ends in misery for everyone. Surely you must realise that it is not acceptable to either your partner or his toddler?

Eventually, the toddler will want to know why your child is going out on a visit and not him. How will you explain that?

On the occasions when your partner cannot be in the house at the same time, it would be better for you to arrange a meeting outside, in a way that does not involve the toddler meeting your ex.

As long as your ex poses no risk to your toddler, and both you and your ex are civil at pick ups and drops offs then your partner is being very unreasonable. If ex poses a risk or interactions are likely to become nasty then I'd understand as I have felt the same when my SD's mum and grandad are nasty during interactions and have been nasty about our daughter having disabilities but you haven't said theres anything like that going on so I have to assume theres not.

Your older child will be picking up that his mum's boyfriend doesn't like his Dad and doesn't bother to hide it which will be having an emotional impact on him.

Well why doesn't he hold his child then ?

Having him say hello isnt a problem, its not like he is going anywhere with him. I dont get it.

This.

Your new DP is being a knob. What he really means is he doesn't want your ex at the house at all, and he thinks by saying he doesn't want the toddler seeing him, you will get rid of your ex sooner.

Well, tough. If it's your (jointly owned or otherwise) house, and your ds is getting his shoes and coat on, you are entitled to speak to your ex while he collects his son.

if you are able to maintain a cordial relationship, that benefits everyone.

The children are brothers. Your current partner is a nasty piece of work who is causing division and problems .

This!

If your dp doesnt want the toddler at the door then he should bloody keep hold of the toddler

You're welcome lovely. Am sorry you're experiencing this, but it sounds very positive that you have a clearer sense of how to speak to him. Wishing you lots of strength - you are being a brilliant mum by the way.

How strange, why put the extra stress on you?

I agree with other comments, your partner is being unrealistic and unreasonable. If he doesn't want his child having any kind of relationship with your eldest's Dad, then he looks after him, when you ex collects your eldest. Why is he expecting you to manage your eldest leaving, his Dad and your toddler, all at the same time?! You will be co-parenting for many years yet, and even once your son becomes an adult. Your partner needs to get a grip, and get over his petty jealousy.

This unreasonable

And he thinks this will work forever?? He’s not too smart is he.

Tell him to grow up or help with the baby while you are saying bye to your elder son.
What a horrible way to be and to make you feel this way.
He is immature needs to grow up .

Can I ask why you’re having couples therapy? That sounds like a red flag in itself but we don’t know the context.

I agree with everyone who says your partner is being controlling and that his behaviour is a really bad example for both children. I’d seriously consider your future with this man before he causes them some serious emotional damage. Your relationship with your ex speaks volumes about the kind of person you are - mature, kind, thoughtful, reasonable - and your partner sounds like he is none of these things. I can’t help thinking you deserve better.

Tell your partner that your toddler is going to be very confused that his brother goes with someone he’s not allowed to see or talk to. to This will cause problems for the boys relationship. Your partner is being silly and putting his jealousy ahead of the boys well being.

so if he wants your toddler kept away from the doorway when your eldest leaves and your ex is at the door, why isnt your partner keeping toddler away? Distracting him with food or games or something? He sounds strange laying down impractical rules whilst he lurks in the kitchen to spy on whats going on. He also sounds insecure. He also sounds like he is threatened by cordial relations with your ex. He needs to grow up. Id give him the job of distracting your toddler in the background whilst the handovers take place so you can focus on your son during the handover. If he wont do that then the toddler comes iwth you to do the door - he probably also wants to say goodbye to big brother !

How would you current partner feel if your ex said that he didn't want your older child to have any sort of relationship with him? He is being very childish and controlling and making things difficult for you.

Thanks for responding. So in which case it sounds like he is exercising this control through jealousy. Is he jealous of your relationship with your ex? You need to sit down and tell him that he needs separate therapy to deal with his jealousy because otherwise it is going to impact on the children further on down the line... and already is... as you say, the younger one will notice he is being kept away the older that he gets, and that's confusing at best and cruel at worst. If you want your children to have a good relationship growing up then your ex is going to have contact with your youngest at certain points in time - and his half-brother will talk to him about visits with his own dad, because siblings share. This behaviour could get in the way of the relationship between your two boys and that is unacceptable. Tell your partner this - FIRMLY. I wish you well.

Your partner is weird! My ex has met my 3 yo twins I have with my fiancée and his girlfriend held them.

Unless there is some huge backstory you’re not mentioning (and I think that’s unlikely since it doesn’t sound like you have any issue with your eldest seeing your ex, so it doesn’t sound like there’s anything hugely risky about him/any safeguarding issues), your partner is being totally unreasonable.