Dh saw old images of my ex ex and I

How is checking the phones contents before wiping and discarding doing the opposite of wiping and getting rid of? If you asked someone to eat an apple and throw the core in the bin, but instead they checked it wasn't mouldy, washed it then proceeded to eat it, would you say that's doing the opposite?

What stupid nonsense is this?

the better analogy would be someone saying, "This apple is rotten, can you throw it in the bin for me please?" and the other person taking it, deciding it's okay and eating it, then getting food poisoning . THEN blaming the person who gave it them.

asking someone to throw something away, but you deciding to go through it's contents and confront them with evidence are opposite actions.

Also not to make you look silly but from OP's own mouth

" I genuinely did not think I had anything on the phones I didn’t want dh to see so I told him to crack on."

So someone who said 'you can wipe the phone' has actually proven not be certain the phone was free of information she didn't want DH to see. Lol. I'm sure you'll double down in defence of your above statement. lol.

Posters such as yourself and meg are reacting very defensively by suggesting someone is snooping or weird to take a different approach to you, which says more about your lack of trust in people and narrow mindness.

It's not about the "approach", going through someones personal files without being asked to or given permission to is the definition of 'snooping', the motive for doing it is irrelevant.

I never said his INTENT was to use it to make OP feel bad about it, but that is the end result, and it is not at all fair on OP that she is being made to suffer because he overstepped her privacy by doing something she never asked him to do in the first place (check her files and photos).

It's a case of common sense not trust. Can you honestly say you've always been absolute in all the instructions you've ever given? You've never gave instructions that assumed some knowledge and/or you're impervious to making mistakes?

You literally see no value in ever double checking and any attempt by someone to clarify or reaffirm instructions you interpet as a lack of trust in you? Is your ego seriously that fragile?

Yes you agreed he could wipe them but didn’t agree to him going through your photos on them? If he’d said there’s photos on them I’ll go through them - what he should have said is there’s photos on this phone please go through them and check if you want to keep any of them and then I’ll wipe it for you. He crossed a big line and now is pissed off at you for something HE did!! Don’t be sorry you had a life before him! He took it upon himself to look at your photos! I doubt it’s just the thumbnails too that he saw as you barely see anything off them. My ex read through my old diaries and then got annoyed at me about what I’d written about my ex boyfriend! Years later an may more incidences of domestic abuse and I learned that this is yet another red flag

I see, so being overly sensitive because you’re feeling embarrassed/exposed isn’t a thing? It’s always someone else’s fault

Dont feel awful and dont be sorry. You have nothing wrong, same way he hasnt.

Its not nice obv. but everyone has a past and most of us have pics somewhere!!

How is checking the phones contents before wiping and discarding doing the opposite of wiping and getting rid of? If you asked someone to eat an apple and throw the core in the bin, but instead they checked it wasn't mouldy, washed it then proceeded to eat it, would you say that's doing the opposite?

You're being very melodramatic suggesting opposite instructions are being followed without permission when OP has said she allowed to DH access to the phone and gave instructions which are open to interpretation.

This is a phone that's sat in a cupboard for years. If DH had a burning desire to snoop he has had ample time to do so. But OP has gave no indication he's a snoop with current or previous possessions. It pains you to hear it but the evidence supports the narrative DH inadvertantly stumbled across these pictures whilst attempting to be proactive and declutter. It doesn't so much support your projected narrative of DH being a untrusting, fearful snoop. Granted it may but possible, less likely, but possible. However, you are convinced it's an absolute so there's little point conversing any further with you.

How much space does a phone take up, though? Why on earth was there this pressing need for him to delve into her private things and clear them out? He was looking for a reason to get the arse and he found one.

I had an ex who once spontaneously asked if he could read my old travel diaries from when I was 20-22. I could tell he thought he was being magnificent and magnaminous for asking permission rather than just diving in. He framed it as "we should know all about each other and I want to know you." I found it funny and wasn't bothered either way. He read them, and got offended and sulky because I briefly alluded therein to a steamy knee trembler with a fellow tourist in a foreign hotel-- several years before we met. 😅 I got rid soon after that.

And yet, here you are saying someone who says "you can wipe the phone" cant possibly be trusted to indeed be certain the phone can be wiped.

"I can see your logic now:
"They're so incompetent they won't realise they've thrown away nana's 90th birthday photos.. I won't ask them to check just in case, I'll infantilise them by doing it myself and showing them after what a mistake they nearly made"

As if thats the real reason anyway tho. Most people wiping a partners phone from a lifetime ago would surely realise they'd have no clue who is Nana who died 5 years before you met and who is Bertha from Accounts on her retirement do 😂

I literally said IF. It's quite possible DH checked the phone and it contained no photos of files. He could have checked and it contained only a few and he felt he knows OP well enough to determine if they're important. It also possible they contained way too many for him to want to check and he could return to OP and ask if she wanted to check.

As I say there are many options on how to approach getting rid of an old phone, there's not one definitive approach.

Posters such as yourself and meg are reacting very defensively by suggesting someone is snooping or weird to take a different approach to you, which says more about your lack of trust in people and narrow mindness. You've literally ignored OP's own posts about DHs character to create this negative narrative.

Many people (myself included) would check the phone then report back if there was anything worth keeping.

These "many" people are just nosy to be honest, who would go through someones personal possessions from a time before they knew you WITHOUT BEING ASKED OR GIVEN PERMISSION, completely the opposite of what they've asked you to do.

OP said to "wipe and get rid", so I think it says more about her DH and YOU who would do the opposite of the instructions given because you think you know better than the person who's property it actually is.

I can see your logic now:
"They're so incompetent they won't realise they've thrown away nana's 90th birthday photos.. I won't ask them to check just in case, I'll infantilise them by doing it myself and showing them after what a mistake they nearly made"

Again, how would he know what op might want to keep?

And yea I dont understand why someone would waste their time going through hundreds of someone else's photos when they'd have absolutely no idea what they are looking at and doing, what? "Want to keep this one? This one? How about that one?"

Anyone genuinely caring would just do....well you know what they'd do.

Well, of course I understand why someone would go through photos in that manner - pretence of being caring even though they have no clue what might be important - Im being facetious there.

Keep saying im being defensive though based on absolutely nothing I have said.

Could be said youre the defensive one for still desperately trying to justify going through someone else's file folder rather than just double checking they're definitely ok for it to be wiped. Smacks a bit of "I know what you want better than you". Are you the controlling type normally?

I've literally just said (as other have) by checking with OP if he finds any files/pictures that look like OP might want to keep?

So by that notion, he'd have to go through EVERY picture to check it isn't something she wants to keep? Every conversation she ever had on that phone?
Every file? and you think OP saying get rid of it, was giving him permission to go through it all and decide for himself what was important enough to 'show' her? Don't be so ridiculous! Only nosy busy bodies, or someone curious about her past, would snoop through someone old phone under those pretenses!!

It's NOT the same as finding a receipt in a car and putting it to one side in case it is important, or going through an old handbag before throwing it to make sure there no money in there etc, your comparisons are nowhere near the same level of intrusion.

That phone contains OP's whole personal history for probably 1-4 years from a time before they were together, he has absolutely no right to 'go through it' and 'decide' anything!

The ONLY thing he SHOULD have done, is charge it up and say, "I've charged your phone, can you have a look through it before I wipe in case there is anything on there you want?"

Not to me it doesn't. The last naked picture of me was in 1983. I think it's still in my mum's photo album.

If it was a smartphone you might want to check your Google Photos / iDrive on the laptop. Log on with a browser and scroll back to the rough date seven years ago, and see if they are still there.

Deleting them off the device does not always delete them from the cloud. Make sure they're deleted from your cloud account, otherwise they may keep reappearing on your current / future phones.

And hang in there, it happens to the best of us 😟

I've literally just said (as other have) by checking with OP if he finds any files/pictures that look like OP might want to keep?

Do you literally have a one track mind?

Many people (myself included) would check the phone then report back if there was anything worth keeping. Other people (youself by the sounds of it) would give the parter the option to check the phone first. Both are acceptable options.The first option makes life easier for OP as she's only being bothered IF DH finds something he thinks might be worth retaining. The second option asks if the partner wants to commit time to scroll through the phone first which she might not have time to do. Either option is ok.

But you seem to have a hard time understanding why anyone would take the first approach and again have jumped to a defensive conclusion that only a snoop would check the phone first 🙄

You are so judgmental.

Then she shouldn’t have told him to crack on and delete everything or told him to simply do a reset. He’s nothing to apologise for, I’m fairly sure in his wildest dreams as he quickly checked thumbnails in a file folder before deleting everything for her he didn’t expect porn,

I understand that he feels horrible, I would too - but he also needs to apologise. Phones are private.

You may want to check you aren’t deleting special photos (of the normal kind) before wiping for good. A sensible approach before permanent removal.

But how would he know whats worth retaining?

im not defensive at all, what a strange thing to think. I actually do have common sense though and rather than go through someone else's hundreds of photos when id have absolutely no idea what to even flag up, id take the very sensible and caring approach of saying "do you want to double check this phone before I wipe it love?"

Unless i was on the snoop obvs. In that case i might go straight to a file folder under the pretence that i was just being proactive and caring 😬

She was spot on. What is your problem?

...By checking with OP if he does find something that looks like it's worth retaining?

You know it's pretty standard relationship behaviour when being proactive or decluttering.

For example, DW often asks me if I mind cleaning her car everytime I clean mine. I remove obvious litter, receipts of insiginficant items (coffee, bottle of water) but anything that might be important (clothes receipts etc) I check with her first if they want discarding.

As I say pretty routine, sensible behaviour. Your response is quite a defensive approach that someone with guilt or something to hide would take. Or perhaps someone with less common sense would take.