Dh saw old images of my ex ex and I

‘It's the fact she thought it appropriate to photograph their sexual activity that for me would make me reassess a person” - How would you reassess them? What does it say about a person that they once enjoyed taking photos with an ex while being intimate?

Some people will apologise for any male bad behaviour.

Doesn't matter what you and your husband do with your stuff. The fact is that OP said he could clear out the devices – so that fact remains whether or not you find it a suspicious move. It simply isn't.

Her DH never said OP isn't entitled to her life before him, her memories or her privacy. Yet seeing images of your spouse engaged in explicit acts with another person is a negative experience, so matter how you paint it.

I have never had a clear out of my husband's old devices, looked at his old computers or phones, or gone through his photographs. I believe he still has an old album from his first wedding and short-lived marriage knocking around in the attic, unless the mice have got to it. He had a life before me and is entitled to both his memories and his privacy.

Seems like your reply is influenced by your experience with your ex.

OP already said that they both decided to have a clear out and both decided to wipe and recycle the phone. Where do you get 'pressing need from'. The old MN tact of fictionalising events. Have you never had a clear out of old tech before?

It is normal! She took some dirty pictures with an ex, she hasn't been running a human trafficking ring! You make it sound like taking some naughty pics is a deeply deviant act that would make you re-evaluate someone's whole moral character. If that is what you think then I regret to inform you that I think you have probably been unknowingly interacting with many, many people who you would consider to be undercover perverts...

So, you wouldn't be upset if you saw intimate pictures of your husband with his ex?

I'd certainly wish I could unsee them. But I wouldn't be 'upset' - I'm fully aware that he had a sex life with other people before we met and if I'd stumbled across the pictures by accident, it wouldn't be like he'd deliberately taunted me with them. I wouldn't be upset and I certainly wouldn't act any differently towards my partner over it, because he'd have done literally nothing wrong.

Tbf though I think its good op knows. She'll understand what hes going on about if he starts with passive aggressive digs about "bet you did that with X" if they do go through a bit of a dry spell. Which he very likely will, because most men are very predictable.

Of course there should be no onus on anybody to disclose their sexual history to their current partner, unless it impacts their health and wellbeing.

But her H discovered part of her sexual history by coming across this explicit material from her past.
He can"'t unsee what he saw. And he can't unknow the fact his wife made these explicit images.

He is a living, thinking, feeling human being so of course.it alters his perception of who he thought his wife was.

I think it's totally unreasonable of OP to think.he should just "get over it" because it makes life easier for her. He has a right to take his time and process this information. Especially given they are expecting a child and it's a highly emotional time, he should be allowed his own time to come to terms with his new insight into his wife's personality..

Exactly. It's obvious she hadn't been looking at them recently if the phone had been sitting in a box used to dump forgotten crap they're not using. If anything I'd be shocked initially, then rib my DH for it. I wouldn't choose to scroll through the images, I would see naked people and think no thanks; but sounds like he had a good look at them for it to still playing on his mind this much. I wouldn't be sulking for days and upsetting my wife and unborn child over something she did when she was in her 20s when her frontal lobe likely wasn't fully developed.

@APTPT
This times 1000 👏👏👏

A man who takes it on himself to go through his wife's old photos, find pictures of her with her ex from seven years ago, and goes into distant and butthurt mode even though she is six months pregnant? A man who has made her feel she has to apologise? Her could have just spotted them, wiped them, dealt with any chagrin privately, and treated his pregnant wife no differently. She'd have been none the wiser and he'd have learnt a lesson in snooping.

But no, he had to turn this into a drama, let her know what he'd uncovered, and made sure OP felt ashamed and anxious about a situation he created.

OP has done NOTHING wrong. He has behaved without kindness, tact, dignity or integrity. Towards his pregnant wife.

Shame on him.

He will never get them Images out of his head now,
he will wonder why you kept them,
you will just have to give him time.

hidden aspects of someones character.

I find that quite insulting to be fair, people do all sorts of things throughout their lives, more so when they are young, good decisions, bad decisions, experimental things, things they are proud of, things they regret, it's all part of learning and growing as a person, the person OP is NOW is who her DH fell in love with, and she is only that person because of all the decisions and choices she has made in her life up to that point. Saying one isolated decision she made in the past is 'part of her character now' is just untrue and to be honest unfair.

Aside from anything illegal or immoral, then she does not have to disclose every single decision or choice she has ever made to a prospective partner or even husband, if her past sexual history was so important to him that it had the potential to make him "re-assess her as a person" then it was up to him to make sure he knew everything first (full disclosure), or just not ever ask (or care as it is in the past), and most definitely not snoop in her private files/photos from long before they were ever together.

So, you wouldn't be upset if you saw intimate pictures of your husband with his ex?

No, it's not rational, but we are human.

So, yes, give the guy a break.

I think there is always at least one. I wouldn’t respond any further as it’s not helping the situation you’re actually in now. Of course your husband will be a bit shocked, I guess a lot of us might if we were in the same situation as him, and yeah it might need a little bit of time and space.
However, his behaviour towards you going forward is what you are - rightly - concerned about. And I think his reaction - after some time (no one can really guess what the “acceptable” amount of time is unfortunately) - going forward is the important thing. Yes, everybody has a past and nobody on here, or anywhere else, could honestly say they’ve never done something daft, reckless, things they wish they hadn’t or made a mistake of any kind. Yours just happens to be this. There will be a few of us on here who may have done similar at some point. But if this does actually mean that your husband treats you differently in the future, shames you for it, belittles you, calls you names etc, then that is what you need to look out for. I think, for now, it really is just wait and see for a while. You’ve already addressed it with him, no doubt apologised and tried to justify it (btw, you shouldn’t need to but it is human nature to do so I think), but you’ve said what you can/have and don’t feel like you should have to continue to do so. You’ve acknowledged that you know it was a shock for him to find, and you’ve “explained yourself”. See what happens over the next day/s and then see how he behaves towards you, as his future words and actions, once he’s had time to process it/calm down, is what will be important within/to your relationship going forward. Hopefully he won’t turn into a massive misogynist and change the way he sees/treats you! I mean, there are very few men who’ve never even glanced at pornography at some point I expect, so it would be a little hypocritical if he held it against you. We all have a past, and would probably all need a little time if we came across pics of our current partner with an ex. And I’m assuming it’s because the photos of you were with an ex, and not just naked photos of yourself on your phone, is what the main issue would be.

He’s not a “body count” guy is he?

It was unfortunate you didn't delete the photos when you and your ex broke up, but you can't do anything about it now. This is just one of those 'waiting for the dust to settle' situations. While we all logically know that people have a sexual history, when evidence of that history unexpectedly pops up it can be a bit confronting and take a bit of time to process. No need to apologise further, just give him a bit of time and space to get to grips with it. Before long you'll have a new baby to focus on and this will be yesterday's fish and chips paper.

I don't see any woman as being the possession of any man.

But the fact OP made explicit sexual material with her ex partner is bound to change his perception of who she is if he had no idea previously that was the type of behaviour she thought was normal.

He is perfectly entitled to reassess his perception of who she is. As we all are when we find out previously hidden aspects of someones character when we thought we had a grasp on who they were.

It's nothing to do with the fact she had previous sexual partners. He must have been totally aware of that. It's the fact she thought it appropriate to photograph their sexual activity that for me would make me reassess a person.

The DH didnt need to see the information, as op confirmed he could wipe it, so why the need to look unless he thought he knew better, AND it turned out not to be this sacred Important History youve been bleating on about afterall.

Its actually a little amusing you think your comment is a gotcha when all youve done is proven my point rather spectacularly 😂 i dont think ive ever seen such a glorious own goal.

Nothing has suggested she gave clear concise instructions free of misinterpretation.

You're tying yourself in knots to try and prove he had permission to go through the files and photos. If he wasn't given permission or asked to do it then he HAD NO permission to do it.. it's really very simple.

Permission is just the same as consent:
Just because someone didn't say no, it doesn't mean they consented.
I'd warn you from continuing to argue that not saying no, actually means yes when it comes to permission/consent... you'd be treading on very dangerous ground.

Besides I'm not "labelling" her DH as a snoop, he snooped one time, probably through no ill intent (although I have my doubts, he knew he would have at least seen things that were really none of his business, he just wasn't expecting anything as explicit), what I AM very much blaming him for is holding it against her and making her feel bad.

He has caused this problem between them, not OP.

Of course I see value in that.

"Shall I wipe this phone"
"Yes"

:::::Person wiping thinks better double check if they want to be caring::::

"You sure you dont want to go through it love?"

My ego is fine my dude, im not the one who thinks i know better and its logical to go through photos without a clue what or who im looking at rather than ask that simple question 😂

You seem certain DH had no permission yet the OP has used phrases such as 'crack on' and indicated permission to wipe the phones was granted. Nothing has suggested she gave clear concise instructions free of misinterpretation. Many posters have confirmed they would check the phone first which is a sensible and acceptable action to take.

It's terrible OP feels bad. It's terrible DH saw the photos. No need to assign blame which I've stated from the get go. However, you are focussing on assigning blame and labelling the DH a snoop rather than focus on it being an unfortunate incident that nobody it's in the wrong for.

You have nothing to apologize for, everyone has a past and everyone has done some things we may regret now. Taking nude pictures with ex is absolutely tame compared to other stuff that can actually impact your life or health. Let him take his time to process this if he needs to, but don't apologize further. You've done nothing wrong.

Your language is so telling. You see OP as a possession of her husband, and that it would be shaming for her DH if pictures are seen of OP. When really the crime would be against OP.

You are more concerned about her DH being shamed than the impact on OP.

I would be considered a prude by today’s mores (my DH was my only sexual partner) but even I can see the inherent misogyny in many of these posts.