Dh saw old images of my ex ex and I

i didn’t say you did. My post that you quoted, though, was the one in which I was arguing that point made by someone else. I also specifically said to you that it’s perfectly OK not to like taking intimate pictures.

It’s just not OK to judge or sneer at other people for doing so, or make assumptions about their worth or character for doing so.

Interesting you apparently find it hard to believe that women might happily do this of their own volition. Why is that? Is it because you can’t imagine that some women have different sexual interests to yours? Or that women are/should be intrinsically less sexually adventurous than men are? Or do you think women are more weak-willed and easily led than men are, or have poorer judgement? Personally, I think that does women a disservice.

I've never suggested anyone wants to be a pornstar.

What I do wonder about though is if all the women involved in sending nudes, filming etc really do it because they wholeheartedly want to, and how many do it from pressure from men of varying degrees.

Not liking this type of image is as valid as liking it.

That’s up to you. Have whatever boundary you want. My point was - as I said - that people who enjoy taking photos to enjoy with their partner are not ‘wannabe porn stars’ as a previous post alleged. They are people who are turned on by the way they and their partner look while they’re having sex together, and find it fun/sexy to have those images, of that element of their relationship, to look at when their partner isn’t around.

Of course you’re allowed to find that notion repellent, for whatever reason. Maybe you’re not a visual person and have sex with your eyes closed or the lights off. Maybe you don’t like the way you and/or your partner look in pictures in general or feel keeping photos is egotistical. Maybe you’re culturally conditioned to think that certain sexual practices aren’t for ‘nice’ people. Maybe you’re appalled by the idea that pictures could be leaked. That’s all fine; you’re entitled to feel the way you feel.

The point is simply that while you might find something a turn-off and would be perfectly allowed to dump your partner over it, it it isn’t an indication that someone is ‘a wannabe porn star’ and it doesn’t make them a bad person or a sexual deviant as some posters seem to imagine.

Unless the file folder was called something like Mucky Pictures Of Me And Bill, then he'd have to look to see if anything needed to be kept. The OP said he only saw two thumbnails so that's hardly "snooping" for goodness sake.

Important family photos, pets who have gone, appliance or electronics warranties, payslips and p45s, pension documents, contracts …

Just a few examples in my files folder on my phone of stuff I’d like to keep hold of long-term but don’t necessarily need in any given year.

The OP isn’t upset that DH checked the files – so why on earth are you?

Only on bonkers MN do we have a world in which you can see explicit images of your spouse with someone else and have it not negatively emotionally affect you. Pull the other one – it’s got bells on.

Exactly. This has come up again and again and no-one wants to address it. It was OP’s phone and he should have handed it to her to go through before he wiped it. I don’t think he was intentionally snooping but I do think he thought he had her implicit permission to go through it before he wiped it and curiosity played a part.

Why is it part of her personality now ? It was seven years ago and she was in her twenties. Are you the same person you were seven years ago ? Have you not learned and grown as a person ? We all know why he’s pouting. It’s evidence of a past relationship and he can’t handle it. OP has chosen him, married him and is having his baby. He needs to put this behind him and get on with life now instead of punishing OP for past events that have nothing to do with him.

Wiping and recycling doesn’t mean going through it though does it. The stuff on it was seven years old. How on earth would he know whether it was important or not ? And the photos weren’t on the camera roll, they were in a file folder. It might not have been conscious snooping but it was certainly born of curiosity and he got mor than he bargained for. He has absolutely no reason to treat his pregnant wife any differently than before he saw the photos. They were before his time and don’t concern him.

I haven't read the whole thread, but it does look to me rather like you're blaming him: "I don’t think I would be treating him the way I’m being treated. Ie being distant"

He didn’t need to go digging around in the albums though did he?
I would have done same as the DH, not smopping and trying to catch anyone out, just making sure im not deleting some cute photos of the kids when they were little or of MIL, who died a while back.

Looking through things thats someone elses isnt necessarily an invasion of privacy. Every now and then I go through Dhs pile of letters because they start cluttering up the desk,and put to one side things that looks important, things that are definitely rubbish and chuck that out and in a pile im not sure about keep so he can decide what to do with it.
If he thinks its an invasion of privacy he has never said in 35 years!

If he is sulking then I'm my money would be on some insecurity coming through..

Does your ex have a bigger....?
That would send most guys into a sulk...

Or was your ex hotter or in better shape?
Smaller sulk...

Or were you hotter?
Even smaller sulk...

Or does he have another insecurity in the bedroom... Causing this sulk.

Would bet money that it's something like that. Male brains care far more about comparisons and insecurities than they do about other more lofty concepts of love and companionship with people's past lovers.

Couples taking pictures or videos isn't always them recording things for posterity though, they probably just found it erotic in the moment which is very normal. Some people on this thread are clutching pearls or calling it tacky as though lovers throughout history haven't drawn or captured erotic moments with eachother.

OPs husband is not a "victim" of anything he needs to "heal" from, yes his feelings are hurt but words have meaning and victims and victim blaming aren't anything relevant to this situation. He's had his feelings hurt, understandably we all get sensitive and jealous even if we know our partners had a past, if we're confronted with it. He does need to get over it though, OP hasn't done anything wrong AT ALL by having a past before him.

Hardly the same thing, OP has those pictures from a previous relationship, not an affair.

I'm sure that all the women who 'accidentally' happen to see something they don't like on their partner's have also sought his permission to look at his personal property.

What bad behaviour?

He didn’t need to go digging around in the albums though did he?

He was snooping on someone else's phone.

"He fired up an old phone to wipe and recycle" no he didn't - he thought he would have a good snoop. He knew that was not his phone. STOP apologising, you've done nothing wrong.

I'm as entitled to feel as I want as people who think taking pictures like this is fine. Or is it just that I'm not allowed to say so? Most posters are "judgy" about the OP's husband. Is that allowable? It's a forum. People have different views.

You sound very judgy

If I was in a relationship with someone who's done the photo thing I'd end it. Not because I'm controlling or jealous but I think it's tacky and I'd never do it. I'd be concerned they'd try to pressure me into it and it'd cause problems. I dumped someone for pressure like this. Our viewpoints were far apart.

Not if you're married though and with a new baby coming. The baby will I hope bring so much joy that this will fade away.

He didn’t need to snoop

It’s irrelevant whether you understand why people take explicit pictures. If it’s not something that lights your candle, that’s absolutely fine, but your view on taking explicit photos is no more relevant to anyone else’s choices than your favourite colour or your preferred flavour of crisps.

It doesn’t mean someone is a wannabe porn star. Doing something with your own partner that turns you both on isn’t equivalent to appearing in porn. Porn stars perform for public consumption and to make money. Taking a private picture with/for one’s partner isn’t remotely akin to working in the sex industry, any more than having sex with your husband makes you a wannabe prostitute or undressing in front of your partner makes you a wannabe stripper.

I have never had a clear out of my husband's old devices, looked at his old computers or phones, or gone through his photographs. I believe he still has an old album from his first wedding and short-lived marriage knocking around in the attic, unless the mice have got to it. He had a life before me and is entitled to both his memories and his privacy

I give all my old devices to DH as he is assigned responsibility for getting rid of e-waste. He waits until he has a big enough collection from all of us, then wipes and gets rid via council e-waste drop off. I’ve never ‘given permission’ for him to look for old photos or anything else that may be important left on them because I just assumed it was absolute common sense that someone would do this before wiping. If I realised at a point I was missing say, pictures of a child’s high school graduation, I knew I had on a previous phone and it turned out they were lost as DH didn’t check, I’d be absolutely raging and accuse him of either being bone arse lazy in not checking the phone before wiping, or utterly incompetent/lacking in basic common sense. It’s in no way snooping.