To really struggle with how my sister dealt with my mothers death (TW)

Your sister has done nothing wrong. I started dancing when my granddad died. He was a horrible man. I would have gone to a club if we hadn't been in the middle of lock down. My mum judged me because i wasn't upset. She tried to pressure me in to getting counciling to deal with his death. Yet he was abusive when he was alive and his behaviour was swept under the carpet when he died.

It’s an awful situation for both of you to be in, but it might help to think of it as you had different mums; you’re mourning different people. Being hurt because she’s needing to take a step away while you’re devastated is like your neighbour being upset with you because you weren’t as upset as her when her dad died.

She’s got to have spent years building up defences and becoming insular from everything she had to deal with and anger and resentment are likely to be what she’s feeling more than grief. That might hit her ten years down the line, or maybe not at all. but if she’s built a shell around herself to protect herself against your mum failing miserably in the mum department, that’s not just going to crumble away; it could take decades. She could be feeling completely numb about it, or have a sense of relief, or anger, or such a complicated mix that she couldn’t describe it if you asked her to.

Re her needing to be alone; I know it’s so hard for you as well, but families are such complicated relationships and even though you would have benefited from her being there, she probably felt the need to just clear her brain of anything to do with anyone she was related to, just for 24 hours. That is what was behind her being with some random bloke that night; she just didn’t want to think about it. It’s not a reflection on her love for you.

And same goes with her being angry that you weren’t there to make things better for her. Grief and anger and resentment very often isn’t rational at the best of times. You’re looking at it from the pov that you were in a different country and she never said a word. She’s looking at it from the pov that she’s still that 12 year old who needed someone to come and rescue her. So even though she’s now old enough to understand the very valid reasons you didn’t, she’s not going to be feeling an adult’s rationale about it.

I think that the best thing you could do is to try and separate your grief and your sister’s grief in your mind. You’re not grieving her mum and she’s not grieving your mum.

but I guess I struggle with the “you should have been there” comments when I had no idea how bad it was for years. If I’d known I’d have been there but I didn’t know. I’d always visit when my sister was with her dad

On reflection do you think your sister feels rejected by you OP? Why would you only visit when she wasn't with your mum? It seems like you avoided this girl for years and now judge her as you didn't want to be alone after the death of your mother.

So now she's being judged for coping in the best way she knows how after giving up a career to be near your mum to care for her through addiction, she dealt with God knows how many strange men (some expressing a sexual interest in her) just appearing in her home when her mother was passed out not able to protect herself or her daughter, dragged to another country at twelve away from school, friends, routine and safety only to be neglected and not protected. You really need to give this young woman some grace, it will be years before she understands the impact of her upbringing on her emotionally.

I was inclined to feel my sister was the favourite as I was forever being told she was already smarter than me, was always prettier than me, she quite often told me she had another child as I didn’t live up to her expectations.

Jesus. I've only got this far.

Lady, I think your mum was a whole lot worse mum than you realise.

On Mumsnet, especially AIBU, a lot of people put the boot in. Please read @GarlicPound 's post at 06:02 - there is far more understanding of how people tick than in most posts.

All I can say is that grief is entirely personal, that it can hit people in the strangest of ways and there is a very high chance indeed that your much younger sister has 1) had to separate from your/her mum already and 2) had a lot of conflicted feelings, more than you in a way. As @TryingToFigureItOut2 said, she may also be putting her front on her grief too; 22 is very young to loose your mum, and it's ... complicated ... when your mum is really not a very good one.

Her grief response is understandable, your reaction to her less so. She’s very young, had an unstable and emotionally unsafe childhood (which you expected her to have the ability to address by reaching out or asking for help- she was a teenager), and was then controlled and treated poorly in adulthood. She’s been through so much and will likely be in shock. Take her as she is, not how you expect her to be, and learn who that person is without such big expectations- it’ll bring you closer.

Sounds like.your sister got the shitty end of the stick, gave up a career to care for your mother while were away and you're criticising her grieving process?

I was at work a few days after my dad's death. It affected me greatly but I think I just thought I should go in. I know for sure it's what my dad would have done.

If I had a date arranged, I may well have kept it if I really liked the guy.

I have never cried about my mum's death. I loved her absolutely but I have never been able to cry about it. I cannot even understand it myself.

We can feel things very deeply sometimes. Almost too deep to be able to reach or to even try to understand.

I am so sorry for your loss OP and everything you have been through. 💐

I actually think going on a date and sleeping with someone sounds like the perfect way (for a very traumatised and shocked, grieving young woman) to distract from the onslaught of very confusing and contradicting feelings they know are building inside them.

That poor young woman. I would focus more on continuing to build your relationship and respect for each other independently of your childhood, your mother and your experiences coming to terms with her passing.

YABVU to judge and pass comment on how your sister acted after the death, it's frankly not your business. Imagine your sister saying 'am I wrong to judge the way my sister reacted to our mum's death? She completely fell to pieces, she should have been less upset, stronger, not taken to her bed in tears!'

You wouldn't like it. I've been there, losing my mum at a relatively young-ish age (early twenties) and I'd be furious if I found someone was judging my reaction, which at the time was to carry on. This post comes across just really nasty tbh. The way you act after a death doesn't dictate how much you cared about that person and has little bearing on the overall process of grief. Some people fall apart right after and slowly get back to normal. Others carry on as normal straight after, and then a year or two down the line fall apart. Some don't fall apart at all. Some don't ever get back to normal.

I think you might be focussing on judging your sister negatively so you don’t have to reflect on your own feelings around your mother’s death.

Grief is hard. 10 years later you might see a photo and burst into tears. Unless you’ve lost someone you loved it’s impossible to understand.

Your sister is also much younger than you, they say a humans brain isn’t fully developed until the age of 25 so her reaction and its difference to yours could be to do with that.

Whatever her feelings whether they change or not, I believe you don’t really have a problem with that, it’s just easier to focus on that than the terrible grief.

Be kind to yourself Op and be kind to your sister.

Your Mother had multiple affairs and expected your sister who was a child to keep her secrets. I think your Mother is lucky your sister bothered with her at all.
She had a totally different upbringing from you and you are very wrong to judge her. You are also much older and your sisters brain is still maturing.

I am someone who rarely cries, DH was raised with his Mum and sister crying at anything and everything and are dramatic about it. People are just different.

This is a very timely thread for me. I lost a very close friend 2 years ago. She had children in their early 20s. The younger one has always lived in the moment, spending money as it comes in and flitting from job to job, more so since her Mum died. I have felt a bit disapproving , never showed it. But I saw her this week and suddenly realised that it’s all masking. She wears really thick makeup and is literally covering her true feelings and self up. She’s very clear that she cares for no one and intends to travel the world without leaving any footprints. I suddenly saw her fragility. I wished her well. Someday she will have to face the devastation of her loss, but she’s not ready yet. She’s dealing with it in the only way she can.
My friend was a very loving and consistent mother. Sadly , neither you or your sister had that experience , for so long it seems both of you put her first, accepted her world view and saw things through that distorted lens. It’s going to take some time to work through that lot. Your Mum failed to protect your sister, she may have more to tell you. You are in a difficult position really, the age gap puts you into at least a semi parental role, but neither of you may want that. I think you’ve been searingly honest about your feelings. And that capacity for reflection is going to help you a lot. Your sisters reactions are wholly understandable, so are yours. Keep talking,I think you may be much more important to her than you realise.💐

If your sister had to deal with the fallout from your mother’s behaviour since she was a teen, she may have just switched off in order to protect herself. Dealing with such a mother as a teenager, being able to compartmentalise and distance yourself can get you through. Kindly, you are already well down the road compared to her and maybe see the past through rose tinted glasses-plus not having to live with your mother or even be in the same country make difficult relations easier. Don’t criticise your sister-her feelings and the cards dealt to her are different from yours-but maybe try to help her lead a fulfilling life and not be vulnerable to the men.

It sounds as if your sister has every right to feel ambivalent about your mother's death.

Your sister had a traumatic time in the lead-up to your mums death. She also had a traumatic and dysfunctional upbringing. She doesn’t know what normal family structure looks like. Your mum modelled a weird kind of love for her.

no wonder she was doing unexpected things like going on dates. It sounds like your mum put value on your sisters physical appearance, and she was looking for similar validation from men during her greif.

i feel desperately sorry for you both - losing your mum and her final years being marked by addiction is traumatic.

who is looking out for your sister? I am worried she will head down the path of addiction like your mum. Family patterns repeating themselves is very common.

your sister won’t be ready to talk just yet but she has a very difficult childhood foundation forming and influencing her adulthood. Some professional therapy would help but only when she’s mature and ready.

who is looking out for you? You take on responsibility and grieve “normally” (compared to your sister) but that doesn’t mean you aren’t susceptible to mental illness in later life.

This. So your 12 year old sister had to grow up like that, and you resent her for grieving differently?

Also, sex and death are closely linked. There is a lot of evidence that shows in grief people often turn to relationships new or old to feel alive during the depths of grief.

It sounds like your sister had an awful time with your mum and you don't know the half of what she went through. I don't think it is reasonable of you to judge her. You weren't there and she made sacrifices. Perhaps she was glad to be relieved of the stress.

I guess part of it is probably she told me she needed to be alone then later finding out she was on dates and sleeping guys. While I get that’s also a perfectly fine thing to do but it stings a little as honestly I didn’t want to be alone in that moment.
I think it’s also just the way we responded in totally opposite ways.

When a shocking thing happens it can take a while before the brain really believes it. I can see your sister packing away your mother's death as not dealing with right now, going on a date instead. I can't change the fact she's dead anyway.

Whereas you wanted to be sad together? I think another way a family death is a hard time is that when a bad thing happens to a person then you cut them some slack/give them what they want for a bit. But when you've both lost someone you can't both slip into the support-while-ignoring-own-needs-temporarily role that we often do in other situations.

Your sister has her right to deal with her life and grief in her way. It’s none of your business. It sounds as if she had a much harder life than you and had to deal with your mum alone.
it sounds as if you’re a bit jealous of your sister for what’s perceived as her successes, being pretty and smart etc., but if the way you portray things are true, she’s had a much harder life than you and she may be using men and sex as a (potentially not very healthy) coping mechanism. Don’t judge her and focus on healing your own wounds, then you’ll be in a better place to understand her.

I was your sister even though I didn't have such a complicated relationship with my mum...i adored her. She died when I was 23. When she was ill, and after she died, I was completely off the rails. Drink, drugs, men...with hindsight, anything to mean I wasn't thinking about what was happening. I judge myself harshly for this, even though I shouldn't.

Please give her support rather than judgement.

Yabu

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, it's such a personal journey. You do yours and allow your sister to do it her way. It doesn't sound like everything was all fluffy bunnies and rainbows with your sisters childhood, so she will have her own journey to go on here.

Sorry about the loss of your mum OP.

Your sister was abused and badly neglected by your mother, and was very young when she died, and still is.
It could take her another 15 years to tease out the damage of such a neglectful childhood and the damage it has done to her.

Try not to judge her so harshly as it sounds as if she has a lot to process.
When you lose a parent early it can feel very isolating as most friends don't have the experience.
It is lonely, confusing and quite miserable.

Sorry For your loss OP.

But to suggest that your sister is in any way to blame is really not on.
What has she possibly got to feel guilty about?
She has had a terrible and incomprehensible upbringing and has been hugely failed by your mother. She is probably at risk from addictions and mental health issues herself now.
Please do all you can to support her without judgement, I fear you have no idea of what she's been through.

I’m sorry for your loss OP

You said something that jumped out at me (and followed up with a similar comment in a subsequent post).

If I’d known I’d have been there

I think you should sit with this thought for a long while, on it’s own, without all the noise of the other things you have written about relating to what has happened since your mother’s sad and traumatic death.

There is absolutely no judgment from me here. You weren’t there. There will be many reasons for this.