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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel like an awful mother now

206 replies

Fogthefrogfred · 22/10/2025 21:51

I’m sure I’m going to be told I’m not unreasonable so can I also get some advice on how to talk to DD2 about this.

I have 4DC they are all adults now DD1 is 27, DD2 is 25, DS1 is 24 and DS2 is 22. They are all happy, accomplished young adults and I’ve never really doubted my parenting until now.

This week myself, my DH, DD1 and both boys are on holiday together. DD2 lives abroad, has a boyfriend and a whole life of her own so didn’t join us.

Yesterday after we arrived someone left the front door open, I don’t know why but I instinctively called DD2s name to ask why she hadn’t, she’s not clear so it obviously wasn’t DD2 who left it open! Again this evening someone left their plate on the dining table and I for some reason again called for DD2. DS1 then made a comment like “once the family scapegoat, always the family scapegoat”. I asked what he meant and this turned to all the children and my DH telling me that as teenagers I used to always blame DD2 if something happened or if no one admitted to something. A bad example of this is and I remember this happening pretty well, some of the children were outside and someone threw a rock which ended up cracking my car window. Immediately DS2 told me it was DD2 and she told me it wasn’t her but I remember I punished her anyway. Apparently it was DS1 all along! All the children admitted that they took advantage of my tendency to blame DD2 so would rarely admit to it being them. Apparently DD2 didn’t bother arguing as she knew I wouldn’t listen. DH admits he also thought I used DD2 as a scapegoat but in the absence of evidence of it being someone else he didn’t see the point in interfering as I’d never listen to him anyway. Now admittedly most of these were low level things, similar to this week, like doors being left open or table left uncleared and didn’t result in any real punishment. But all 3 children have admitted to letting DD2 take the blame for bigger things knowing I’d just assume that anyway and DD2 wouldn’t bother to fight.
DD2 and I are still close now, so I assume it’s not left any hard feelings but I feel absolutely awful about it! I have no idea why my instinct was to blame DD2, perhaps a left over of her being the toddler/child who always ran and her generally being more defiant than the others (well I thought she was anyway, now I think I was wrong !)

I feel so awful about this and feel like I owe DD2 an apology but I have no idea how to go about this.
DH says I should just leave it be, she still visits and calls often, clearly has no hard feelings about it and most families probably have one child who ends up getting the blame more than others.

AIBU to feel awful and what should I say to DD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fogthefrogfred · 22/10/2025 21:59

Finsburyfancy · 22/10/2025 21:58

I think this might be part of the reason she lives abroad and hasn't made time to come on this family holiday

I don’t think so, all the children have skipped the October family holiday at some point, this is only the second year since DD moved out that she’s skipped it and the other was during Covid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fogthefrogfred · 22/10/2025 21:58

gamerchick · 22/10/2025 21:56

I don't think there's much you can say. I was your daughter with my mother. Even if I wasn't there and it was pointed out, I was somehow to blame. She really tried as well to knock it off on occasion. It was like a compulsion with her. It was death by a thousand cuts.

We're NC now and I'm much happier.

You can apologise but the second it slips out again by accident, that'll be it. You would be better off changing your ways by actions imo.

This makes me so sad, I really don’t want DD to go no contact. I’m insanely proud of her (as I am all my children) and I had no idea I even did this until tonight!
I’ll definitely be more mindful to not jump to accusing DD2 going forward!

OP posts:
Finsburyfancy · 22/10/2025 21:58

I think this might be part of the reason she lives abroad and hasn't made time to come on this family holiday

SplishSplash123 · 22/10/2025 21:57

Personally I would bring it up to her. I'd probably tell her the story of this conversation unfolding on holiday and ask her how she feels.

I still have a relationship with my mum and on the surface everything seems fine, but in reality I'm hugely resentful of many things she did in my childhood. The reason I find it hard to forgive is because shes never admitted or apologised for any of it.

I haven't voted here as I dont think you need to feel awful about it all, it sounds like youve not done anything consciously. You sound like a lovely mum for actually taking this feedback on board (my mum would just dismiss everyone saying she did it and change the subject!)

gamerchick · 22/10/2025 21:56

I don't think there's much you can say. I was your daughter with my mother. Even if I wasn't there and it was pointed out, I was somehow to blame. She really tried as well to knock it off on occasion. It was like a compulsion with her. It was death by a thousand cuts.

We're NC now and I'm much happier.

You can apologise but the second it slips out again by accident, that'll be it. You would be better off changing your ways by actions imo.

TheLadyofBower · 22/10/2025 21:56

Please, going forward. Change your automatic responses to "whose plate is this?" "Who left the door open"

Maybe your daughter still checks in and visits because she craves your love/attention/approval not because she enjoys it?