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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like an awful mother now

206 replies

Fogthefrogfred · 22/10/2025 21:51

I’m sure I’m going to be told I’m not unreasonable so can I also get some advice on how to talk to DD2 about this.

I have 4DC they are all adults now DD1 is 27, DD2 is 25, DS1 is 24 and DS2 is 22. They are all happy, accomplished young adults and I’ve never really doubted my parenting until now.

This week myself, my DH, DD1 and both boys are on holiday together. DD2 lives abroad, has a boyfriend and a whole life of her own so didn’t join us.

Yesterday after we arrived someone left the front door open, I don’t know why but I instinctively called DD2s name to ask why she hadn’t, she’s not clear so it obviously wasn’t DD2 who left it open! Again this evening someone left their plate on the dining table and I for some reason again called for DD2. DS1 then made a comment like “once the family scapegoat, always the family scapegoat”. I asked what he meant and this turned to all the children and my DH telling me that as teenagers I used to always blame DD2 if something happened or if no one admitted to something. A bad example of this is and I remember this happening pretty well, some of the children were outside and someone threw a rock which ended up cracking my car window. Immediately DS2 told me it was DD2 and she told me it wasn’t her but I remember I punished her anyway. Apparently it was DS1 all along! All the children admitted that they took advantage of my tendency to blame DD2 so would rarely admit to it being them. Apparently DD2 didn’t bother arguing as she knew I wouldn’t listen. DH admits he also thought I used DD2 as a scapegoat but in the absence of evidence of it being someone else he didn’t see the point in interfering as I’d never listen to him anyway. Now admittedly most of these were low level things, similar to this week, like doors being left open or table left uncleared and didn’t result in any real punishment. But all 3 children have admitted to letting DD2 take the blame for bigger things knowing I’d just assume that anyway and DD2 wouldn’t bother to fight.
DD2 and I are still close now, so I assume it’s not left any hard feelings but I feel absolutely awful about it! I have no idea why my instinct was to blame DD2, perhaps a left over of her being the toddler/child who always ran and her generally being more defiant than the others (well I thought she was anyway, now I think I was wrong !)

I feel so awful about this and feel like I owe DD2 an apology but I have no idea how to go about this.
DH says I should just leave it be, she still visits and calls often, clearly has no hard feelings about it and most families probably have one child who ends up getting the blame more than others.

AIBU to feel awful and what should I say to DD?

OP posts:
HaggisMcHaggisface · 22/10/2025 22:42

I do respect how genuinely regretful you sound OP and how committed you are to stop.

You may have to really listen to the impact it's had on dd's life.

Izzywizzy85 · 22/10/2025 22:40

OP it’s clear you are gutted over this and want to make amends. I don’t think you deserve the absolute lashing you’re getting here (although it’s MN, so not surprised!). Abuse is such a strong word and not at all applicable to your situation I think.
I would bring this up with your daughter. Have an open, honest conversation. Listen to her. Be receptive and take accountability. She may have a lot to say, she may genuinely not really care, but I think acknowledging it and apologising will go a long way in any case.
good luck, and don’t be too hard on yourself 💐

Original poster
Fogthefrogfred · 22/10/2025 22:39

Tiswa · 22/10/2025 22:36

It is more as well why didn’t she fight back, argue with you. She took it every last bit without complaint

i also think you need to look into you don’t know your daughter at all

it is human nature to place people into boxes (happens in school environments all the time) and she became your problem child a label you have never shifted and still see now. You have mentioned her as a toddler twice yet we are often nothing like ourselves as toddlers yet to you she still is

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I think it depended on if she would fight back or not. She did fight back if the punishment was likely to be harsh, I recall this quite well. But rarely over the smaller things or things where there was no reliable way to figure out who did it. Having spoke to my other children more, it seems she was more likely to fight back if DD1 was the true culprit but less so if it were her brothers. To this day she and DD1 aren’t close but she and DS1 are so I’m unsure if that played a part.

Anyway regardless of why I did it, it’s not okay, it’s inexcusable and it’s something I need to apologise for profusely and stop doing immediately!

OP posts:
ByeByeThyroid · 22/10/2025 22:38

Fogthefrogfred · 22/10/2025 22:04

Wow would you really class it as emotional abuse?

I genuinely had no idea I was doing it and DH did step in if there was clear evidence of someone else doing it, I think we just developed a family dynamic of anything that didn’t have an obvious suspect being DD2s fault which is awful, I still don’t really understand how that started or why she didn’t fight back more. My other children were always very quick to correct me if they were blamed for something they didn’t do. If I asked DD2 why her plate was still on the table she would just clear it away immediately which obviously made me believe it was her plate, now I’m realising that it was very likely one of the others and she just did it anyway!

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Yes I would 100% class it as emotional abuse and actually the fact you blamed her for so much lead to her siblings and father also blaming her and allowing you to punish her for everything is abusive

Fibonacci2 · 22/10/2025 22:36

This is post has really hit me hard. I’m so glad you can see it now, a lot of parents would be in denial. It’s so incredibly sad that this was her life, you have been incredibly cruel, without meaning to. The fact that your other children refer to her as the ‘scape goat’ openly must mean they have tried to bring it up before?

apologise and apologise again. Tell her like you told us (possibly without the victim blaming of ‘you never complained’ because you conditioned her not to).

Try and build a new healthy relationship going forward. It’s good to see you accepting fault and trying to make it better.

Tiswa · 22/10/2025 22:36

Fogthefrogfred · 22/10/2025 22:24

That’s the thing I have no idea why it was always DD2, obviously in later years it’s because if there was a plate left on the table I had grown to assume it was DD2s as every time before if I pointed it out she’d go and clear it, further cementing in my mind it was hers!

How it started though I’m not sure, she was my terror toddler (we called her the little magician as she was an expert at getting out of car seat straps, buggy straps, hand holding etc.), but by 10 I guess they were all pretty similar, DD2 was most likely to leave her shoes by the door (she had a bigger shoe size than her sister pretty quickly as there is 8 inches between them) so we could identify that they were hers, I don’t know if that just spilled into everything else.

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It is more as well why didn’t she fight back, argue with you. She took it every last bit without complaint

i also think you need to look into you don’t know your daughter at all

it is human nature to place people into boxes (happens in school environments all the time) and she became your problem child a label you have never shifted and still see now. You have mentioned her as a toddler twice yet we are often nothing like ourselves as toddlers yet to you she still is

Firefly1987 · 22/10/2025 22:33

Sounds like you had more kids than you could handle or watch and one of them paid the price.

Singlepringleheretomingle · 22/10/2025 22:31

Oof. Hard read OP.

I think you should raise this with your daughter. I still see, visit and call my mum regularly, and I'm sure she thinks we have a great relationship. But beneath the veneer that I, for the sake of peace, work hard to maintain there an acidic pit of resentment based on how she behaved to me when I was a child, teenager and young adult. It's not that I don't love her, because I do, but I have been hurt so deeply and frequently by her that I'll never truly be over it.

I've never had an apology from my mum and I never will because she isn't capable of it. But it sounds like you are capable of reflection, growth and connection. So I would meet up with or arrange a call with your daughter, tell her about how things unfolded on this holiday, and offer a sincere and unqualified apology. Then, going forward, change your behaviour.

HaggisMcHaggisface · 22/10/2025 22:30

This is awful. Your poor dd.
You should definitely apologise and make sure you stop.

I'm sorry but this is emotional abuse. Read up on scapegoating in families and put yourself in her shoes.

CrossChecking · 22/10/2025 22:26

I definitely think that you need to acknowledge it. Just tackle it head on, apologise for it unreservedly and don't make excuses for your behaviour. Listen to what she has to say if she has things to say about it. Dhs mother took him out for lunch when he was in his early 20s and apologised for the way she treated him as a child, I know from the way he spoke about it that he really appreciated her acknowledging what had happened and apologising. He always understood that she was treating him that way because she lost a child before him and was terrified of losing him too so was never angry at her as such but still appreciated her taking him aside off her own back and tackling it head on.

No doubt it will be uncomfortable for you and maybe her too but will you feel just as uncomfortable if you don't address it now that you understand what you have done?

Original poster
Fogthefrogfred · 22/10/2025 22:24

Tiswa · 22/10/2025 22:20

But I think the first step is recognising yourself how bad it is and working out why. Why her? You can’t just slap a plaster on this this will be a fundamental part of who she is

That’s the thing I have no idea why it was always DD2, obviously in later years it’s because if there was a plate left on the table I had grown to assume it was DD2s as every time before if I pointed it out she’d go and clear it, further cementing in my mind it was hers!

How it started though I’m not sure, she was my terror toddler (we called her the little magician as she was an expert at getting out of car seat straps, buggy straps, hand holding etc.), but by 10 I guess they were all pretty similar, DD2 was most likely to leave her shoes by the door (she had a bigger shoe size than her sister pretty quickly as there is 8 inches between them) so we could identify that they were hers, I don’t know if that just spilled into everything else.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 22/10/2025 22:21

I think you tell DD what happened in the same you told us here, tell her how bad you feel and apologise. Don't do it again.

Admittance of guilt and and apology can go a really long way.

Do be careful not to point the blame back on her though which is what you're doing with "I don't know why she didn't correct me"...

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. There are no perfect parents. Everyone is harbouring some emotional upset from their childhood.

Tiswa · 22/10/2025 22:20

But I think the first step is recognising yourself how bad it is and working out why. Why her? You can’t just slap a plaster on this this will be a fundamental part of who she is

Original poster
Fogthefrogfred · 22/10/2025 22:19

DinaofCloud9 · 22/10/2025 22:17

Why did you even shout DD2 name if she wasn't there on holiday with you? It doesn't make any sense.

I don’t know, instinct? Old habits?

I do that relatively often though, I’m always getting my kids names mixed up or calling all 4 of them when only 2 or 3 are there. It’s worse if DD1 is around as I’m used to calling their names in age order and by the time I’ve said DD1s the rest just follow instinctively.

OP posts:
ThatMrsM · 22/10/2025 22:19

Wow this is actually really sad, but at least you have finally become aware of it now. Just be totally honest and say how sorry you are, you didn't realise you were doing it and there was no reason for you to do it.

She obviously didn't fight back because she knew you wouldn't believe her. It must be quite ingrained in your mind that you would blame her for things and she's not even there with you on holiday!

DinaofCloud9 · 22/10/2025 22:17

Why did you even shout DD2 name if she wasn't there on holiday with you? It doesn't make any sense.

Polyestered · 22/10/2025 22:13

im sorry @Fogthefrogfred this is actually quite bad. I think you need to have a conversation with her, and be prepared to just listen to what she has to say.

I actually wouldn’t take any reassurance by her being ok now. A lot of the time, people don’t reflect on their own childhood or understand it until they have children themselves.

i thought my childhood was ok, I was close to my mum. Then I had my own child, realised actually how messed up I was and had to work on myself, so I was repeating patterns I thought were normal.

BuffetTheDietSlayer · 22/10/2025 22:12

Yes it is emotional abuse. Can you imagine how she must’ve felt? She had her mother always blaming her, her siblings taking joy in blaming her, her father knowing it wasn’t her but not stepping in every time. It’s an absolutely awful way for a child to live.

Would you think it acceptable for her partner to always blame her for things?

You broke her spirit, that’s why she never put up a fight.

Original poster
Fogthefrogfred · 22/10/2025 22:12

Tiswa · 22/10/2025 22:10

What do you want from this OP?

People telling you it’s fine because it isn’t and you have shaped her personality and the dynamics of the others around to the point you blamed her when she wasn’t there

why she didn’t fight back I assume because she knew it wouldn’t make any difference

I was just looking for advice on how to approach this with DD2 and if anyone else has done this without realising!

Obviously I know it’s not okay, and I will talk to DD!

OP posts:
Tiswa · 22/10/2025 22:10

What do you want from this OP?

People telling you it’s fine because it isn’t and you have shaped her personality and the dynamics of the others around to the point you blamed her when she wasn’t there

why she didn’t fight back I assume because she knew it wouldn’t make any difference

Haggisfish3 · 22/10/2025 22:05

I realised I behaved towards my dd as my mother behaved towards me (essentially taking my anger on her because I knew she could cope with it). I absolutely acknowledged that, told dd I had realised I was doing it, apologised and tried very hard not to do it again. It improved our relationship.

Finsburyfancy · 22/10/2025 22:04

Fogthefrogfred · 22/10/2025 21:59

I don’t think so, all the children have skipped the October family holiday at some point, this is only the second year since DD moved out that she’s skipped it and the other was during Covid.

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But imagine how relentless it probably was when she was at home if you do it repeatedly and she's not even there? Might not be the only reason but it's hardly a prospect that will fill her with joy.

Original poster
Fogthefrogfred · 22/10/2025 22:04

BuffetTheDietSlayer · 22/10/2025 21:59

I can’t imagine that she doesn’t still feel very hurt, you emotionally abused her (and her father noticed and let it happen!).

I can imagine it all coming out if/ when she has her own child.

Wow would you really class it as emotional abuse?

I genuinely had no idea I was doing it and DH did step in if there was clear evidence of someone else doing it, I think we just developed a family dynamic of anything that didn’t have an obvious suspect being DD2s fault which is awful, I still don’t really understand how that started or why she didn’t fight back more. My other children were always very quick to correct me if they were blamed for something they didn’t do. If I asked DD2 why her plate was still on the table she would just clear it away immediately which obviously made me believe it was her plate, now I’m realising that it was very likely one of the others and she just did it anyway!

OP posts:
Haggisfish3 · 22/10/2025 22:02

I think you absolutely can acknowledge this with dd2 and apologise. Say you didn’t realise you were doing it, you’re very sorry and try your hardest not to do it again. And say to her she can point out if she feels you’re doing it in future. I’d be a bit cross with everyone else in the family too, tbh, that none of them pointed it out. And took advantage! They all need to apologise too imo.

BuffetTheDietSlayer · 22/10/2025 21:59

I can’t imagine that she doesn’t still feel very hurt, you emotionally abused her (and her father noticed and let it happen!).

I can imagine it all coming out if/ when she has her own child.