To feel like an awful mother now

The dynamics in the whole family sound quite dreadful TBH. Your DH who passively accepted the scapegoating of DD2, the siblings who lied and manipulated situations so that she would be blamed. It all sounds utterly toxic.

As PPs have said, you really should offer a sincere apology without any justifications or excuses for your behaviour. Just an apology, a recognition of the harm you have done, and a promise to do better. I think your DH and other children should apologise to her as well. Poor girl. She must have felt so alone.

DD2 sounds like a good egg. Really good natured and good humoured.

OP, I'll start out by giving you credit for not going into full-on denial and victim mode. Many parents would have.

Your DH (who sounds like he's a conflict-averse person) is wrong to tell you to leave it. First, it is not reasonable to assume that because a 25-year-old has a relationship without visible drama with their parents that they don't have lingering hurts or that this isn't affecting them; most people are incredibly reluctant to break with their parents even in the presence of a great deal of hurt and a child who has been taught to see themselves as not liked and scapegoated will often rather desperately try to be the child who never "causes trouble" even into adulthood. Second, you did do something that was certainly extremely hurtful to someone you love and should apologize for you actions regardless of whether they're demanding an apology. And the comment above about parents not owing apologies for unintentional hurts is low-character bullshit. An absence of malice does not mean we don't need to apologize when we wrong someone.

Tell her what you've realized and apologize sincerely. Don't raise the "you didn't fight back" line of discussion. Tell her you will make a conscious effort to break the habit and ask her to let her know if she feels scapegoated in the future. Tell her in plain words (don't love-bomb, but say it aloud to her) that you love her and are proud of her. Then let her talk (if she wants to - she doesn't owe you a response or any vulnerability) and don't get defensive.

Your DH and other children also owe her an apology, but that's not for you to manage.

P.S. Your children are grown adults. When you come across a door accidentally left open on vacation just close it as you walk past - you don't need to know who it was or tell them that doors are supposed to be closed. If a plate is left on the table either kindly clear it (perfectly reasonable if it's an occasional thing and everyone is generally contributing) or shout "whoever left their plate on the table make sure to clean it up before bed" and move on. People don't need to be taken to task and singled out for every imperfection.

I would say don’t bother with apologies just now: get some therapy to find out and understand why you did what you did.

Also, don’t let your DH wimp out by saying he only did it bevause you did. He was an adult and if he disagreed he should bloody well have pulled you and the other kids up on it at the time.

@Fogthefrogfred i do not buy that you did not know what you were doing in blaming one child. You show that in your responses.

it is not enough to apologise and say you will not do it again.

you need to get some counselling to find out why you are cruel to your female child. Before you can even begin to undo what you have done to her.

As you can probably guess i am the recipient of this type of cruelty

i am only glad that you have posted here so do something meaningful about it

Well you wouldn’t think they were related, you’ve spent decades not realising you were making your child the family scapegoat. Previous posters saying this isn’t emotional abuse are wrong - it absolutely is. I feel sad for your DD. Not sure how you could fix this, tbf.

Therapist here 👋. I see this dynamic play out with some of my clients and it can be really impactful on the child. I think it’s important that you are acknowledging your mistakes and owning it. I think therapy could be a good place to explore this in more depth as I think there may be lots of self reflection to be had.
I do think as part of a reparative approach you should have a talk with your child where you apologise but ultimately it needs not to be about “you” but about her feelings. Perhaps you could show an interest in the effect it’s had on her and listen to her and allow her to voice her experience. Really listen to her.
I don’t think you are a “bad mother” at all. You are owning it now and trying to do the right thing. Good luck 🙂

I think if you've got a good relationship then you should have an open and sincere conversation. You can't undo the past, but looking at the positive, you've had the mirror held up to your face and you've not looked away, you've listened and taken accountability. The thing you need work on is that 'I didn't realise' or 'I didn't mean to' do not excuse it happening. So I wouldn't lead with that, in fact I'd try and avoid anything that could sound like an excuse or minimising it. Certainly don't say anything about her not pushing back, that sounds like you're blaming her.

It's never too late to grow and do better. Realising your behaviour now is better than realising in 10 years or never at all. Focus on repair and mindfully changing how you behave towards your daughter. Words go a long way, but it's actions that show you mean them.

Ah ok, that makes sense, thanks. Sweet relationship.

Good luck with the conversation. It sounds like you do have a good relationship but it's definitely worth bringing up and apologising in case its something that has stayed with her.

I would follow her lead on how 'serious' the conversation gets. If she has felt a certain way about it you don't want to downplay it but at the same time you don't want to go in all heavy if that's not something she'd appreciate or be prepared for.

I would also ask yourself why your husband says you wouldn't listen to him either - are you generally given to having to be right? It sounds like he gave up too. DD2 got scapegoated and unfairly punished, went from being a 'defiant' toddler to someone willing to take a punishment on behalf of her siblings, quite the opposite to defiant. Your entire family owe her an apology, her dad for not sticking up for her, her siblings for letting her take the rap for them, and you for scapegoating her.

We have lots of these family dynamics and I 100% think you should address it. Find some time you can both be alone, have a nice day together, but bring it up really early, so there's time for a bust up if she wants to raise anything but you've time to reconnect straight away.

Be honest that you weren't aware, but now it's clear you must have been blaming her for things she hadn't done. You'll be working hard to address it, but you hope that if she ever feels it happening again she can call it out and you'll listen.

Yes, definitely speak to your DD. You have to put this right. Would you have the opportunity to spend time with her in person? Tell her that you're so sorry and this is a reflection on you not her. That she's wonderful and loved and you're proud of her.

She must be a remarkable and gracious woman to have a great relationship with you despite that.

At least you see it now op. Address it and move forward.

I do wonder why she didn't stand her ground against the brothers as much as her sister. Did she feel trying to blame them would be a waste of time? I say I wonder but its not my business.

Good luck op. I'm sure you feel absolutely gutted to realise this.

Interesting that dd2 is the one who didn't come on this holiday because 'she lives abroad and has her own life'. I'm guessing she got a bit fed up with being the family scapegoat and realised the only way to stop it was to remove herself from the vicinity.

I think you should probably apologise. Otherwise it's an elephant in the room (and she's clearly avoiding the room).

I was the family scapegoat and to be honest a lot worse than this and I have a great relationship with both my parents now. It actually improved after I had kids as I realised how hard parenting is and how we all make mistakes. She did apologise in later life but I’m not one to linger on something or hold a grudge .. I prefer to move on and I definitely didn’t require therapy. The sibling in question also apologised in later life which I appreciated. I would do as others have suggested and apologise profusely and don’t do it again.

Emotional abuse? Hardly.

I don’t really buy all this talk from grown adults about how parents should “admit” to mistakes in the past and apologise for them. I’m obviously not talking about wilful abuse or neglect here.

Humans make mistakes. Parents fuck up. Let it go and move on, learn from it and use those lessons when/if you’re a parent yourself. And I say all this as someone who can clearly see how my mum got it wrong so often with me! Not that I don’t feel angry or sad or resentful about it sometimes but it is what it is, she did her best with the resources she had available to her and through the lens of her own experiences and her own stuff that she was dealing with.

Sorry, to return to the actual question in the OP, I think for yourself maybe a conversation with DD2 could be healing, probably for her too, but don’t be condemning yourself for it. I have 6 of my own and while I know I do
my absolute best I’m certain I make mistakes along the way!

Yes you owe her a massive apology and also dont tell her she was easy to blame because you made assumptions based on her being the " naughty toddler" own up to your mistakes and learn from them.

The main thing to work on is changing how you respond in these scenarios . Always ask "who has left the door open" , and never say " DS2 did you leave the door open"?

This is absolutely awful! What a miserable childhood to have been the family scapegoat.

Therapy would be beneficial to explore your behaviour.

Yeah sorry, you sound like a shit parent.

I’m sure it wasn’t intentional but this would totally feel like being picked on alll the time and be really hurtful.
I think you should either physically make the effort to go and see her face to face so you can talk it through, make a massive apology and show her / demonstrate by going to see her how much you love her and are sorry

I feel very sad for your daughter, I think you need to speak to her about it, she's probably carried this into her adulthood if her siblings are so aware of the dynamic at the time.

You actually do sound like a lovely mum because you have realised that it was wrong and that will make a difference