To feel like an awful mother now

It’s a serious situation. You have tried to minimise your actions (your disingenuous posts along the lines of “Oh, gosh, was I really abusive?”) and have done your best to blame your daughter for being the constant scapegoat. What an awful atmosphere she must have grown up in. Do you really want to address what you have done? Or do you want to believe that your actions were acceptable? (Hint: they were not.)

I was your DD2. I would be delighted to know my mother had even considered her contribution to the relationships I have with the rest of the family. You absolutely DO need to talk to her about it. You also need to understand why you did it.

I can also tell you why she and DD1 had trouble, it's because DD2 looked at her sister and wondered why you couldn't love her the same. It makes sense when it comes to her brothers: for better or for worse gender makes a difference here--but she saw you loving and valuing her sister, and she couldn't have the same.

FWIW, I also live overseas. My mother would also say everything is fine. She doesn't see the hurt every time she makes a decision that favours one of my siblings, or see me counting the days I spend at home because actually, there is only so much I can take.

I really hope one or two of my children live abroad. They are talking about it fingers crossed they go and learn new experiences.

This is a good point. I was fiercely loyal to my mum, no matter how she behaved, right up until I had my first child and accepted what a fucking awful mother she’d been. I knew it along but didn’t/couldn't admit that. Having your own child and that new kind of love you’ve never felt before for anyone can make you reevaluate things.

And honestly, I agree this sounds like emotional abuse.

You're the one with the major parenting fail. And you object to someone treating the topic with the seriousness it deserves and give you a hint about how to break the habit of being nasty about your own daughter.

But don't you get it? You make a bitchy remark about her even when you're just trying to supposedly make a joke. She is always behind the 8 ball with you. Your family dynamic of blame 2 for everything is not a joking matter.

Stop it.

First, try to keep a civil tongue in your mouth when you speak about her. Is that so hard?

Your family dynamic of blame DD2 was so engrained in you, your husband, and your other kids that you automatically blame her and make her the scapegoat when she's not even there.

Yes, it was emotional abuse. It wasn't just you. It sounds like your whole family participated in this and knew they were doing it.

She may or may not ever divulge to you how she really feels about this. She might just take being scapegoated by you guys for granted.

You can apologize till the cows come home but that won't change anything. You'll have to show change for an extended period and so will the rest of your family. But your snarky remark that she threw everyone under the bus makes that change sound unlikely. It's so engrained you don't even see when you put her down. 👎

No wonder she's moved a distance away.

I think this might be part of the reason she lives abroad and hasn't made time to come on this family holiday

I agree.

Yes, of course it's emotional abuse. But you already know this. I don't agree - at all - with the commenter blowing smoke up your arse about being brave. I think you were hoping to be told it wasn't that bad.

Well, it was. Nowt to be done about it now though. If you can manage not to minimise or make excuses, apologise to her sincerely and don't try to make it about you. If you're going to try minimising and excuse making don't mention it, you'll make it far worse.

Definitely speak to your daughter. Do it asap. I always waited for an apology from my mum for some horrible things she said to me growing up. She’s got dementia now so that’s never happening and I feel angry about that

You see her differently. She did not throw her siblings under a bus - she thought your sudden (albeit reticent) insight allowed her to voice the truth after years of being treated badly by you. Clearly she was labouring under a false sense of security.

I think it's really brave of you to explore this as it would be very easy to minimise it as the rest of your family have done.

Definitely have a conversation with your daughter. You don't have to raise everything you have been thinking, but it sounds like you both need to talk to each other, as a starting point.

Yep, sounds like you were awful to her. Not sure what you can do about it now tbh. Can't really be fixed and she won't ever forget, but oh well. Start by apologising without excuse making.

That's true actually. Not trying to stick the boot in op, but might be worth thinking about whether these things really matter to you or do you sometimes look for little things to get annoyed at dd2 for?

If, for instance, you were fairly sure one of the others left a plate sitting how would you react? Would it bother you or merit pulling them up? Or do you just see something and automatically get irritated by DD2? Not saying that is the case, and you don't need to reply, just wondering if its something to consider.

Like other pps pointed out, the throw under the bus comment stood out to me too but I'm hoping you were just joking with that and its not a dig at dd.

@Fogthefrogfred Wall of text repeating and telling us how you've blamed and blamed again DD2 throughout her childhood. Awful.

Awful, and more awful that you even have to ask, for even a glimmer of light to dawn.

Maybe your daughter is a saint. If not, she may very well loathe and resent you and pretend to get on for convenience.

Stop worrying about who left doors open and who left a plate on the dining table. They sound positively minute things to bother even bringing up.

Sorry OP it isn’t instinct or habit to call
someones name who isn’t with you. You are covering up the root cause of the issue that you didn’t check in with yourself as a parent and ensure you weren’t uneven in the treatment of your children. Please stop minimising your behaviour. As someone else said it isn’t normal to automatically accuse one child instead of asking who did it. Your poor daughter. Honestly you need to really figure out why you have bagged so badly her whole life and are only seeing not now. Wilful blindness springs to mind and she is probably very very scarred by it.

Yes but she is not just missing the holiday she has chosen to live abroad away from her family.

Did I just read that the OP wrote that "DD2 did throw everyone under the bus" straight after having had a short family conversation with her about it? The OP has no humility and I don't buy her claim she's come on here to understand how to speak to her DD - she's come on here to keep being in denial about the damage she -and the rest- have done