To feel like an awful mother now

I would bring it up.

I’ve been in your DS permission and my mum will never acknowledge that she had a clear favourite. Even now as an adult, when something happens, it’s my fault. I would rather she acknowledged it, and if you do slip up at least you can tell her that you won’t be offended if she calls you up on it.

Have a heart to heart. Tell her about the magician story when she was a baby - and apologise.

Change is hard but at least you are willing to acknowledge

It is reasonable to consider that she might have chosen to live aboard because of how she feels about her place in the family. You all owe her an apology

“DD2 lives abroad, has a boyfriend and a whole life of her own so didn’t join”

I agree with this.

Well spotted. The irony!

She is. When it was brought up, she used humour. I do that when I don't want an uncomfortable conversation and it lightens the atmosphere.

Sometimes you don't get to do the navel gazing thing and clear the air. Some things from our past get locked up tight and nothing will open it again.

I expect my DF would have said we were close in my 20s but from my perspective we weren't - I moved abroad partly to escape the family dynamic and lack of accountability for it. I've increased the emotional distance gradually over time whilst ticking the boxes of visiting and calling regularly enough because I pity him, but there's no depth to the relationship. If you want an authentically close relationship with your DD, you need to acknowledge you've treated her unfairly and apologise and mean it, and change your behaviour going forward.

I think you should prepare yourself that if she chooses to have children then becoming a mother herself may massively change your closeness.

My father was overly abusive. Violent. Nasty and horrible. It was always easy to deal with the impact of him as it was so obvious.

My mother was subtly nasty. I got the blame for everything from her. Even when it was impossible to tell for sure she'd be completely happy to blame me. I was her scapegoat.

I didn't realise how bad she was, and how much it had impacted me, my relationships and my life choices, until my first child was born.

You say you have a good relationship with her,but how do you know she isnt putting on an act?Seeking your approval.
She behaved as she did because noone would believe her.
Your husband should have stepped in,but you say yourself you wouldnt have listened.
You dont know how she feels. Sot down and talk to her. But be aware a lot of damage has been done over the years.

So you didn't know you did it, despite blaming her for something twice this week when she was the only member of the family who wasn't there. I find it difficult that you don't acknowledge it despite it being your default.
Also, she lives abroad and has her own life... yeah...
Honestly I don't think it's salvageable given you haven't admitted to yourself that you were doing it until it was pointed out.
And the rest of the family being aware and either not standing up for her or using it to their advantage is disgraceful.

I don’t agree with your husband. I can see why he doesn’t want you to say anything, he’s afraid it could unsettle the family if she seems peaceful towards you. I think you should broach it and tell her what happened and asks if she felt that way, and take it from there.

Hey Op I’m glad your kids and dh have called you out on this and tbh dh should have spoken up years ago and technically you all owe her an apology for letting it happen and maybe she wasn’t joking about being treated like a queen.
Unless you have lived in the scapegoat shoes you wouldn’t understand how it feels she stopped defending herself because you never considered it could be any of the other 3. This stays with you it’s like when you praise your dc it builds them up you knocked her down sadly. I’ve been treated like this for years I stopped trying to convince them it wasn’t me and I now take blame for things that I didn’t do even as an adult it becomes your default mindset I hope your dd2 doesn’t become me.

Oh wow. I don’t know why but reading this made me feel really sad. I have a daughter myself and can’t imagine how defeated she would have to feel not to defend herself.
Sorry OP, I would feel like a pretty shit mum too, but she’s grown up and understandably moved away now so not lots you can do.

My mum did/does this to me but not by making me a scapegoat, but the opposite actually, I was completely ignored. Still am. I moved 3000 miles away (yes, i do think the 2 things are related). She didn't visit either, always an excuse. I've come back now, but not a lot has changed. Im still invisible, nothing i do is seen or recognised, not the achievements or the struggles. Nothing. You know what you've done, so now speak to her, fix it and STOP.

OP, as a daughter who would be really healed by words of apology from my parents, and as a mother (of young children) who apologises and owns mistakes - I think you're responding in the best possible way to what you've realised. Well done.

I noticed this too, yet again blaming her daughter.

I’ve never really doubted my parenting until now.

I find that quite surprising. Most people along the way doubt their parenting to some degree and have some regrets and slip-ups. I wonder if you have just confidently swanned through parenting without ever stopping to reflect on your behaviour?

So much to unpack here in this post.

Every family has a scapegoat.

But fuck me, blaming your adult child that isn’t even in the country is terrible.

Also, you are all adults, on holiday, so what if one of the adults left a door open?

I think you are in denial of your real family dynamic.

Why were you blaming your grown up children anyway (one who wasn’t even there)? Why couldn’t you or your husband have left the door open? Bizarre.

Aw we all make mistakes, the fact you have took the information on board, realised your mistake and now feel terrible shows you must be a good mother. I would apologise in a light hearted way and let her know you hadn’t realised you did this until it was pointed out and that you will make sure you don’t do it in future. Other than that give yourself a break, there’s much worse mistakes we make as parents.

I find it hard to believe you didn’t realise you were doing this. It’s obvious you have favourites.

In your first post, OP, your dh said he didn't mention it to you (defend dd2) because you never listen and you've listened exceptionally well today. Very few people are capable of accepting criticism of their parenting the way you have. So, frankly, I don't believe your dh's excuse.

Lots of people are still close with abusive family members. I hope DD2 has a nicer life as an adult than she did as a child.

OP I would suggest you spend some time working on the issues you continue to project onto DD2. Work out why you held a grudge against a child and carried that into her adulthood.

Is it a dynamic you grew up with? My parents both did and they tried but often failed to avoid it with their kids and in both cases much worse with DGC. I think worse still with DGC as they refused to admit it or do anything different.

I suspect she not on hoilday as distance away from dynamic is easier on her - you don't say that to parents obviously you have a good plausible excuse handy and one on one or by phone easier anyway - you can avoid the hurtfulness and act like everything is fine.

I think best way to change is to admit to her that you've on;y realsied you do this and your horrified - your view of her got stuck at a difficult age and you do love her and are proud of her - she may not know that if you haven't said as she spent all her childhood feeling lesser.

I do agree with PP everyone doing it and no one challenging you - it's pretty nasty behavior from all of you TBH.

I'm a bit shocked at your dh and all her siblings collaborating. This isn't just your responsibility