To feel like an awful mother now

Her daughter sounds lovely and well adjusted. She is living her best life. She wants to spend Christmas with her family. Stop digging for controversy it's not a good look. The op's family was ribbing her and her daughter said she got away with stuff as well. The only time she spoke up was when her sister done it. I hope she does show her family this thread she'll get the piss taken out of her even more this Christmas. My whole family takes the piss out of me for going on Mumsnet.

What they will see even after op last post women are still digging at her. The thread is full of stereotypical drama. Try and wish the op and her daughter good luck and happiness in the future. Step out of your comfort zone.

You might want to read that again. You’re blaming your daughter here for making you think that it was her plate, but your daughter is not responsible for your assumptions.
Imagine being that tired of even trying to make your mum believe you, that you just do whatever else instead for some peace.

If your husband and your daughter both think that arguing with you doesn’t help anything as you wouldn’t listen or wouldn’t believe, that is the thing I would be most scared of. Two of the five Most important people in your life don’t think you will listen to them. What else have they not brought to your attention because they think you won’t listen? What else have you missed?

So you dont think it is serious ,being blamed for everything even if she isnthere?
Maybe you should have another look at posts from people who have been treated in the same way.
They all ,without exception,feel it has caused problems.
This is not a one off. It is a consistent pattern of behaviour.

About approaching DD2, next time you speak to her, you might tell her you started blaming her for the open door when you were on this holiday . Then tell her that it reminded you of constantly blaming her as a child, and you are truly sorry and can hardly believe you were so unfair. Then leave it, don’t question her but listen carefully to anything she says
about how it felt to her. Above all don’t try to defend yourself and don’t imply that her siblings were also to blame - they were taking their lead from you. Good luck.

You did what you could. Anyone saying otherwise has no idea (I am saying this as the child of a victimised child).

mmm so glad you talked to her about it. It shows your very open about your faults and are more than willing to fix them. Hoping you love and light in your life and maybe try to make some special moments with her in your future. Go visit and hang out with her and shop and have fun

I hope so. That would be the best outcome

I agree with you. I was that person in my mother’s life. It wasn’t easy but I wasn’t there for her in the end and I know she wanted me to be. Sometimes it just gets too deep. I don’t regret not being there and I should but I don’t. Too little too late as they say.

The ops daughter sounds very mature compared to some of these posters. You're creating drama that isn't there. I don't get your outrage. I hope the op does show her daughter this thread and show how dramatic people can be. She'll get a lot of laughs. Her daughter will probably ask her about her mental health if she's come on here to ask a bunch of lunatics looking for drama for advice.

It's so telling that she is the one who couldn't make the get together. But even when she's not there, you blamed her. In your situation, I would visit her, ask for a chat, take her out for a drink and explain that you have recently realised you had scapegoated her for years within the family, that you are very sorry and want to apologise face to face, promise you will never do this again and ask if it has affected or upset her in any way that she might want to share with you.

Say “Sorry I twice blamed you for doing stuff even though you aren’t on the holiday we’re all on without you”?!

Me too, everything was my fault. Youngest of 3 boys here.

Apologize in a lighthearted way!!You must be joking. She hasnt made one mistake which can be dismissed. Yes parents all mske mistakes but what she had done and is still doing,is very serious. You cant preyend it is a light hearyed matter. It isnt!!!

Ask yourself who's going to be the one to close that door. Who's going to be the one to put the plate away. Picking up after everyone else is draining too - why shouldn't she pull others up on it? I should imagine if they're being thoughtless and leaving 'little things' to someone else (their mum) then the breezy comments are falling on deaf ears.

Essentially what you're saying is just do it yourself, smile, and don't be a nag. Same old narrative as ever.

I see you’ve had a good chat with DD2, you sound very open to considering your parenting from the perspectives of others, which is great. I’m not surprised your DD says it was fine and she was cool with it, and other siblings faced different (or even the same) issues, but you can’t deny what has been revealed to you here about your own urge to blame her. I really want to emphasise that despite her accounting for her feelings in this way just now, that will very likely change.

In my teens and twenties, I would absolutely have described my parents as almost perfect - I would have excused away or downplayed any problems or criticism. Having my own children in my late twenties and thirties, hitting the challenges of parenting and watching them as grandparents has massively changed my perspective on my childhood and how I was treated. Friends have also commented on treatment I received, completely unprompted by me (I wouldn’t criticise my parents to friends even now). I am now in my forties and new facets of this are still being revealed to me as my children begin their teen years.

Sounds like you still treat your children like kids. Why does it matter who left the door open? Why do you need to call out anyone? Do you mean ‘unlocked’ or ‘wide open’. The former would not be worthy of comment except at night, the latter just a breezy ‘someone left the front door open. Can you remember to shut it’ if I bothered to mention it at all. Being picked up on every little thing is draining. Even if the front door was left wide open it’s clearly a mistake. No one intended to do so why does any need to be blamed?

Honestly sounds postive from her you can't change the past can only move forward and she seems okay with trying. Now it's making sure you don't fall into the same pattern again.

I should have RTFT. Glad you sorted it and I just want to say that your family dynamic and the way you've expressed that in this thread sounds very normal to me; you don't come across as a narcissist (what narcissist would ever feel remorse in this way?) and it's not performative to me - just a normally measured and loving person in genuine shock at their unconscious, biased self.

I don't know why some people are attacking you so much; you know you did wrong and as I say, that's lots more than others might admit to. I don't know know if you need therapy, but obviously go for it if you'd like.

@Fogthefrogfred
You and your family sound pretty normal to me!
Typical kids stuff of sharing/ passing the blame, pulling wool over parents eyes. All normal. In the midst of this you’ve realised that you were slightly biased ( obviously not as much as you feared as your dd bears no major grudges) , and you’ve apologised. All you can do is learn…. watch your own behaviours ……. but continue to love and support your family as you clearly have been doing.
Dont overthink think this, learn and move on.

I think you're beating yourself up perhaps a little too much, even though it's a bad thing to have to face up to, you are more remorseful than many people might be.

I would simply tell her how you're feeling and apologise. You don't need to get her anything (that might be a bit insulting - like buying her love?) but I'm sure an honest admission of being wrong will help repair any cracks. You could ask her to share her feelings in case she wants to get anything off her chest.

Your kids told you why she didn’t fight when you accused her: there was no point.

I would class it a form of emotional abuse, even if you say it was unintentional.

I have no contact with my mother, but before that point, I still saw her and acted like we got on. I was still desperate to have a normal relationship with her.

You need to call her and apologise . Write some notes if you need. As others have said ,it may not come out now but if she has her own kids, it will. It did with me.

She's right you're overthinking the whole thing. I have 4 children as well it's not easy. My favourite time when there is trouble is when they all say it wasn't me, no one done it, and then you have to guess who. No one wants to own up for why there is a pink stain on the white carpet.

You're a good mum. Like I said she told you some stories of how she got away with stuff. Show her this thread she'll think you're mad for buying into it. The only validation you need is from your family not strangers online. You was going to talk to your daughter anyway about it. The posts on here are terrible they had you believe you needed therapy and you're an abuser wtf.

I think it’s great you had a positive conversation.

Just be mindful that sometimes even adult children can say what we want them to say/ what they want to be true.

She could be happy as Larry or she could not be. I’d personally keep a watching brief over this whole area, so not chalking it up to experience and shutting it down, and yet not wallowing in it and giving it more significance than it actually might deserve.

Your kids are fortunate you are still closely involved in, and thinking about their emotional needs, even though they are now adults. That counts for a lot actually.