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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find the phrase ‘Could I please’ grating

64 replies

autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 19:06

Does anyone else find the phrasing ‘Could I please…’ and ‘Could you please…’ grating and actually slightly passive aggressive? It’s used a lot by people at work and always bothers me slightly. ‘Please could I…’ and ‘Please could you…’ just sounds so much nicer and I don’t even know why!

Compare:

’Could I please have the report by 3pm?’

with

‘Please could I have the report by 3pm?’

The latter just sounds far better to my ears.

DH thinks I’m being ridiculous and there’s literally no difference, but I think there is. AIBU?

OP posts:
NearCanongate · 22/10/2025 19:44

Actually could and can both mean "are you able" so in both these cases technically the person is not asking if you will do something, but if you are able to do something.

"Can" is a present tense, and "could" is either the simple past tense of can or
a modal verb used to express possibility, past ability, polite requests, and conditional situations.

(Description taken from google AI search results and I wasn't able to express it better)

When I was younger I could stay up all night. Past tense

If we arrive early enough, we could eat when we get there. Conditional situation

But it does say that it is acceptable for a polite request.

Sorry I know that's a slight detailing of the point of the thread.

Original poster
autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 19:28

dontlikethings · 22/10/2025 19:24

I think I'd just be glad that the person making the request is being polite about it.

That’s the thing, I don’t find “Could I please…” especially polite. More passive aggressive. Perhaps it’s because when I read it, I imagine the person who’s saying it having a slightly impatient, haughty tone. No idea why!

Are there any grammar experts out there who can/could enlighten us further?

OP posts:
dontlikethings · 22/10/2025 19:24

I think I'd just be glad that the person making the request is being polite about it.

Algen · 22/10/2025 19:24

I’m with you on this one, I don’t mind “please” at the beginning or end of the sentence (or even left out completely), but having it in that position just seems passive aggressive. No idea why, though. Perhaps some grammarians could come along and enlighten us?

Original poster
autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 19:23

SliceofTosst · 22/10/2025 19:14

I prefer using 'can' to 'could' and don't mind which way round.

Oh my, I’d not even considered can versus could!

OP posts:
Original poster
autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 19:22

Ifyounevergiveup · 22/10/2025 19:21

I find it difficult to say why, but I agree with you. Is it because the “please” seems like lip service as it’s in the middle of the sentence?

furthermore if the emphasis was on the “please” i.e. “can you PLEASE have the report to me by three” it’s definitely passive aggressive imo.

Hooray! Someone agrees with me 🤣 I think you’re right, it’s the emphasis that riles slightly…

OP posts:
Ifyounevergiveup · 22/10/2025 19:21

I find it difficult to say why, but I agree with you. Is it because the “please” seems like lip service as it’s in the middle of the sentence?

furthermore if the emphasis was on the “please” i.e. “can you PLEASE have the report to me by three” it’s definitely passive aggressive imo.

BitterSweetBirthday · 22/10/2025 19:19

I worked for someone many years ago who liked us to phrase requests like this

I would be grateful if you could........

TheTortiePuffinNeedsHerBreakfast · 22/10/2025 19:19

To me they sound the same. But I do get irrational dislike of certain words or phrases. I have a couple, and of course it's not the fault of the person who says them, but it still annoys me! If anyone offers me a "slice" of cake, I have to bite my tongue not to say "PIECE! It's a piece of cake, not a bloody slice" 😂

BrinkWomanship · 22/10/2025 19:16

I’d like the report by 3pm please.

Just to throw in another, more assertive, option!

SliceofTosst · 22/10/2025 19:14

I prefer using 'can' to 'could' and don't mind which way round.

Original poster
autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 19:11

AmethystDeceiver · 22/10/2025 19:10

There is literally no difference 🤣 it's a you thing. Don't mention it to people in real life

Haha, good to know! 🤣

OP posts:
AmethystDeceiver · 22/10/2025 19:10

There is literally no difference 🤣 it's a you thing. Don't mention it to people in real life

Cushionseams · 22/10/2025 19:09

Please at the beginning grates on my ears. It sounds like something from Oliver Twist

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