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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find the phrase ‘Could I please’ grating

64 replies

autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 19:06

Does anyone else find the phrasing ‘Could I please…’ and ‘Could you please…’ grating and actually slightly passive aggressive? It’s used a lot by people at work and always bothers me slightly. ‘Please could I…’ and ‘Please could you…’ just sounds so much nicer and I don’t even know why!

Compare:

’Could I please have the report by 3pm?’

with

‘Please could I have the report by 3pm?’

The latter just sounds far better to my ears.

DH thinks I’m being ridiculous and there’s literally no difference, but I think there is. AIBU?

OP posts:
MsMillyMollyMandy · 22/10/2025 21:31

”May I have the report by this evening “ would be more correct. An English teacher years ago demonstrated the subtle difference between “can”and “may” by answering requests to “Can I” with “You can but you may not”.
A Polish colleague once told me that she couldn’t abide all the pussy footing and begging that was common in our office when asking people to do something that was clearly within the remit of their role.

Monkeymonster · 22/10/2025 21:30

GoodVibesHere · 22/10/2025 21:23

It's funny how people hear or take things differently. I agree with the OP, 'could you please....' sounds more like a command to me, whereas putting please at the start is a polite request.

Also, when I read it can hear a greater emphasis on the word 'please' which almost makes the person sound pissed off:

Please could you be quiet?

Could you PLEASE be quiet.

Show quote history

This.

Monkeymonster · 22/10/2025 21:29

Totally agree with you OP. This bothers me daily and I amend it in my head 🙃

Wigtopia · 22/10/2025 21:29

autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 19:28

That’s the thing, I don’t find “Could I please…” especially polite. More passive aggressive. Perhaps it’s because when I read it, I imagine the person who’s saying it having a slightly impatient, haughty tone. No idea why!

Are there any grammar experts out there who can/could enlighten us further?

Edited
Show quote history

Not a grammar expert but I tend to use would.

would you be able to get the XYZ report to me by 15:00

that also give the opportunity for the person to explain why they might not be able to. If you NEED it by 15:00 then that might be a whole other thread! 😅

SabrinaThwaite · 22/10/2025 21:23

I’d say ‘May I please have the report by 3pm.’

GoodVibesHere · 22/10/2025 21:23

MasterBeth · 22/10/2025 20:57

You are being completely and utterly ridiculous.

There is no difference between these phrases.

Is is absurd that you believe people have some negative intent from one and not the other.

Show quote history

It's funny how people hear or take things differently. I agree with the OP, 'could you please....' sounds more like a command to me, whereas putting please at the start is a polite request.

Also, when I read it can hear a greater emphasis on the word 'please' which almost makes the person sound pissed off:

Please could you be quiet?

Could you PLEASE be quiet.

MorningFresh · 22/10/2025 21:22

It's all just small stuff. Not worth getting riled up about.
Have a slice of cake. 🍰

Original poster
autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 21:15

Iwiicit · 22/10/2025 20:50

I'm just relieved I don't work with you.

You’ve made your feelings known. Now could you please make no further comment 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 21:12

Sittingsewing · 22/10/2025 19:51

What about " Could/can I have the report by 3pm please?" just to give another option (although really it should be "May I" )

Actually that sounds fine to me! I think like a previous poster said, it’s the emphasis on “Could I PLEASE” that makes it sound passive aggressive.

OP posts:
Zov · 22/10/2025 21:04

I can't see anything wrong with it. Confused

verycloakanddaggers · 22/10/2025 21:02

autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 19:28

That’s the thing, I don’t find “Could I please…” especially polite. More passive aggressive. Perhaps it’s because when I read it, I imagine the person who’s saying it having a slightly impatient, haughty tone. No idea why!

Are there any grammar experts out there who can/could enlighten us further?

Edited
Show quote history

That's a you thing, it's your interpretation.

You're projecting!

MasterBeth · 22/10/2025 21:00

TheTortiePuffinNeedsHerBreakfast · 22/10/2025 19:19

To me they sound the same. But I do get irrational dislike of certain words or phrases. I have a couple, and of course it's not the fault of the person who says them, but it still annoys me! If anyone offers me a "slice" of cake, I have to bite my tongue not to say "PIECE! It's a piece of cake, not a bloody slice" 😂

Why?

Why is it not slice?

PuppyMonkey · 22/10/2025 20:58

I don’t mind either of those tbh OP, but what does grate is someone saying: “Could we please finish that report by 5pm.” Like we’re all going to write it together or something when in fact it’ll be just me.

MasterBeth · 22/10/2025 20:57

autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 19:06

Does anyone else find the phrasing ‘Could I please…’ and ‘Could you please…’ grating and actually slightly passive aggressive? It’s used a lot by people at work and always bothers me slightly. ‘Please could I…’ and ‘Please could you…’ just sounds so much nicer and I don’t even know why!

Compare:

’Could I please have the report by 3pm?’

with

‘Please could I have the report by 3pm?’

The latter just sounds far better to my ears.

DH thinks I’m being ridiculous and there’s literally no difference, but I think there is. AIBU?

You are being completely and utterly ridiculous.

There is no difference between these phrases.

Is is absurd that you believe people have some negative intent from one and not the other.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 22/10/2025 20:53

I usually put please at the end of the sentence, unless I put the person's name at the end so it will either be
Can you do x for me please Sam or
Sam, can you do x for me please

GoodVibesHere · 22/10/2025 20:52

BitterSweetBirthday · 22/10/2025 19:19

I worked for someone many years ago who liked us to phrase requests like this

I would be grateful if you could........

Surely that's a very normal way to make a request?

Iwiicit · 22/10/2025 20:50

I'm just relieved I don't work with you.

Okiedokie123 · 22/10/2025 20:43

Could I please ask, Can I ask - are mildly passive aggressive to my ears/eyes.
Please could you is politer.

UnhappyHobbit · 22/10/2025 20:40

I don’t mind “could I please” but I guess it depends on who is saying it.

The phrase that grates me is “can I ask”.. why are you asking permission when you’re not waiting for the answer?

AgnesX · 22/10/2025 20:12

SliceofTosst · 22/10/2025 19:14

I prefer using 'can' to 'could' and don't mind which way round.

I dislike can because the more literal of my colleagues will say that they can and that's where the conversation ends.

Could is something very different!

Newnamethisway · 22/10/2025 19:59

I wouldn’t notice the difference. A lot is also in the tone of voice and expression no matter what the words are.

manicpixieschemegirl · 22/10/2025 19:57

”Please could I..” is very English to my ear and just wouldn’t be a natural way for me to speak. I’m not sure why but find it slightly childish and twee.

Bishopstail · 22/10/2025 19:54

So what's the alternative?

Give it to me?

Can I have?

Could you not do that?

FruitMergeAddict · 22/10/2025 19:51

My first boss was Scottish and instead of things like can and shall, used to say "Will I check your report before you send it to the client?" "Will we get a taxi to the meeting?"

It used to make me want to reply "I dunno, I'm not psychic love"

Sittingsewing · 22/10/2025 19:51

What about " Could/can I have the report by 3pm please?" just to give another option (although really it should be "May I" )