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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find the phrase ‘Could I please’ grating

64 replies

autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 19:06

Does anyone else find the phrasing ‘Could I please…’ and ‘Could you please…’ grating and actually slightly passive aggressive? It’s used a lot by people at work and always bothers me slightly. ‘Please could I…’ and ‘Please could you…’ just sounds so much nicer and I don’t even know why!

Compare:

’Could I please have the report by 3pm?’

with

‘Please could I have the report by 3pm?’

The latter just sounds far better to my ears.

DH thinks I’m being ridiculous and there’s literally no difference, but I think there is. AIBU?

OP posts:
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Moveduty · 28/10/2025 15:22

What about please would you, rather than telling someone outright what to do.

GarlicPound · 28/10/2025 15:18

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 25/10/2025 11:01

I understand what you’re saying as I used to work with someone that would say “please may I” or “please may you” and although she was lovely, my brain would instantly go “why don’t you fuck off” as it just grated on me. Even typing this I’m cringing / my teeth itch. But your example is just words another way round 🤣

"Please may you" is ridiculous, though. "Please may I" is a request for permission. You're not fucking asking someone else to give themselves permission!

Grinds my gears, too. It's one of those things that's awfully wrong but seems too trivial to correct. Like wandering apostrophes, I guess - only worse 😬

Floatlikeafeather2 · 25/10/2025 11:14

SabrinaThwaite · 22/10/2025 21:23

I’d say ‘May I please have the report by 3pm.’

That's asking somebody's permission to have the report. It's not the same thing at all. In fact it's completely wrong if you are giving someone an instruction, i.e. to have the report finished to hand to you by x time.

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 25/10/2025 11:01

I understand what you’re saying as I used to work with someone that would say “please may I” or “please may you” and although she was lovely, my brain would instantly go “why don’t you fuck off” as it just grated on me. Even typing this I’m cringing / my teeth itch. But your example is just words another way round 🤣

OchonAgusOchonOh · 25/10/2025 10:44

Nope. Please at the beginning of ur sentence just sounds weird. I think it's very passive aggressive. See, I'm being really polite emphasising please so you have to do whatever I'm asking now or you'll look rude.

I think please in the middle or end of the sentence is more polite. I don't see any major difference between those two.

MasterBeth · 25/10/2025 10:36

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/10/2025 17:32

@MasterBeth

Please is not an aggressive word.

Do you understand the difference between aggression and passive aggression?

HTH.

Yes.

Please is not a passive aggressive word.

HTH.

moderate · 24/10/2025 17:36

"Will you be able you get the report to me by 3pm?"

A direct request for the pertinent information -- are they able, in their schedule, to fulfil this task?

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/10/2025 17:32

@MasterBeth

Please is not an aggressive word.

Do you understand the difference between aggression and passive aggression?

HTH.

Algen · 24/10/2025 17:32

BallerinaRadio · 24/10/2025 17:17

Fucking hell these grammar threads are more tedious than any sentence structure could ever be

May I suggest you don’t bother reading threads you find tedious?

Laura95167 · 24/10/2025 17:31

autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 19:06

Does anyone else find the phrasing ‘Could I please…’ and ‘Could you please…’ grating and actually slightly passive aggressive? It’s used a lot by people at work and always bothers me slightly. ‘Please could I…’ and ‘Please could you…’ just sounds so much nicer and I don’t even know why!

Compare:

’Could I please have the report by 3pm?’

with

‘Please could I have the report by 3pm?’

The latter just sounds far better to my ears.

DH thinks I’m being ridiculous and there’s literally no difference, but I think there is. AIBU?

I prefer "could I have the report by 3pm, please" haha

BallerinaRadio · 24/10/2025 17:17

Fucking hell these grammar threads are more tedious than any sentence structure could ever be

NinjaGin · 24/10/2025 16:58

I’ve just not sadly lost a team member who ALWAYS phrased a request as “may you please xxx” Made my skin crawl each and every time.

nomas · 24/10/2025 16:37

autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 19:06

Does anyone else find the phrasing ‘Could I please…’ and ‘Could you please…’ grating and actually slightly passive aggressive? It’s used a lot by people at work and always bothers me slightly. ‘Please could I…’ and ‘Please could you…’ just sounds so much nicer and I don’t even know why!

Compare:

’Could I please have the report by 3pm?’

with

‘Please could I have the report by 3pm?’

The latter just sounds far better to my ears.

DH thinks I’m being ridiculous and there’s literally no difference, but I think there is. AIBU?

I’d bet £10 that you’re annoyed by women saying ‘Could I please’ but not men.

MasterBeth · 24/10/2025 16:18

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/10/2025 08:03

It’s because it smacks of passive aggression (which is endemic). I agree that there’s no real difference but it does feel more aggressive.

”Please” is quite an aggressive word anyway. It masquerades as a friendly, collaborative and consensual word but it actually means “do as I say now”.

Please is not an aggressive word.

HTH.

prelovedusername · 23/10/2025 08:56

I think it sounds different.

“Please could..” is a request with a pleading note.

“Could you please…” is a request with an instructive note.

”I’d like …..please” is an instruction.

Cleikumstovies · 23/10/2025 08:31

Options -
I need you to do this report now

Be a lamb and get this for me

Do me a solid and get this off today.

"Please " is beginning to sound less bad.

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/10/2025 08:03

It’s because it smacks of passive aggression (which is endemic). I agree that there’s no real difference but it does feel more aggressive.

”Please” is quite an aggressive word anyway. It masquerades as a friendly, collaborative and consensual word but it actually means “do as I say now”.

BigSkies2022 · 23/10/2025 07:59

Maybe it would be better framed as a question about the capacity to deliver the report by 3: ‘can you get the report to me by 3 please?’ Then the emphasis is on what action is needed rather than the expectations? Maybe the ‘please’ is redundant in that case? It’s a question rather than an expectation of delivery by a certain time with the authority behind the request thinly veiled by a social convention of politeness.
in fact, that’s probably what is annoying you OP: it’s the pretence that there’s a choice about time of deliver when actually the person asking is in charge. If it were a genuine request between equals, it would be : ‘I need the report by 3; can you do that?’

GarlicPound · 23/10/2025 07:46

Despite being an annoying pedant, I've never thought about this before!
Now I have (oh, you'll regret this @autumnrains2):

Please is a contraction of "If you please" or "If it pleases you", etc.

In olde-worlde speak, one might say "If it please you, could you fetch the apothecary?"

or "Would you take a slice of pigeon pie, if you please?"

but not "Could I, if it pleases you, close the shutters?" because that's just weird. You're sticking the courtesy in the middle of your request, where it breaks up the sense and sounds like you're more interested in grovelling than stopping the draught. It's unctuous: the sort of thing a nervous curate might say to the lady of the manor.

Heh, I enjoyed that even if nobody else did. Cheers, OP!

Owly11 · 23/10/2025 07:44

I agree with you. Putting 'please' later in the sentence sounds as if they have already asked a few times and you haven't done it so they are now a little bit annoyed with you. Putting 'please' at the start of the sentence is more neutral/polite.

CoffeeCantata · 23/10/2025 07:19

Team DH here.

You are being ridiculous.

Alittlefrustrated · 22/10/2025 21:43

YABU - please should govat the end!

Letsskidaddle · 22/10/2025 21:38

How about “could you please get the report to myself by …”
or

”please could yourself send the report to myself please…”

I exaggerate but the whole myself/yourself and double ‘pleases’ used by some people annoys me!

[myself is off to Pedant’s Corner; yourself should head over too…]

Original poster
autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 21:33

Monkeymonster · 22/10/2025 21:29

Totally agree with you OP. This bothers me daily and I amend it in my head 🙃

Another kindred spirit 😆

OP posts:
Original poster
autumnrains2 · 22/10/2025 21:33

GoodVibesHere · 22/10/2025 21:23

It's funny how people hear or take things differently. I agree with the OP, 'could you please....' sounds more like a command to me, whereas putting please at the start is a polite request.

Also, when I read it can hear a greater emphasis on the word 'please' which almost makes the person sound pissed off:

Please could you be quiet?

Could you PLEASE be quiet.

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This!

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